Best Spluttered Poems

FRED THE PERV.

Kinky Fred stole knickers off the line
One summer night his haul totalled nine
His spree ended in tears
Got an extra ten years
When Judge Sue said that red pair were mine.

LARS.

A young astronaut from NASA called Lars
Blasted off from Cape Kennedy to Mars
But then there...

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Yesterday I was in a little funk
because I got peed on by a big skunk
             took a long shower
              about...

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I accidentally let one loose -
I was tipsy and had no excuse
It happened at the rare breed’s zoo
When I decided to cuddle a cute kangaroo

As I crept into the fenced off enclosure
I struggled to maintain my composure
The joey leapt past me, I just couldn’t stop...

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everywhere people
shouting with palms all around -
hosanna o king

a week passed quickly
evil persons filled the streets -
murmurs of pure hate

kill now the traitor
he is not really god -
crucify him now

Pilate washed his hands
a pagan afraid of crowds -
the death sentence passed

Blood spluttered around
think thorns on...

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To God be the glory - great things he has done.



‘I am Eddie Rowlands, I became a Christian in 1985, at that time I also experienced evil opposition toward me, to the extent of being confronted by satan.

Further on from this I was at a...

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Once upon a fairy tale,
Lived a colony of tiny folk
Who decided to set sail,
Because across the pool 
Lay greener pastures
Of which they wanted
To become masters.
For tiny folk to cross this pool
Took courage, had to be so
Strong and bold,
Clever little people, none a fool,
Would, take three...

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We wrapped a long length of red holy cloth around
his body, slung him between two green bamboo poles,
and carried him to the edge of the Bagmati river.
We covered his cold nostrils with soft cotton balls and
placed six sacred beads of Rudraksha in his palm for...

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The glass was half empty until he smashed it on the room divider

		Tequila Sunrise on the wall

Shattered the pieces lay on the ground when he walked on his shards

		Barefoot floored surrender

A bitter taste of guilt as he wretched his way to the bathroom sink

		Unplugged mosaic...

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Tom Price phones up John Ely. 

"I hear you sell some of the best horses in the county 

I'm sending out my best guy if he likes the goods 
we're buying one of your horses. 

My guy is a midget with a speech impediment just...

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(Apologies to any cowboys in Derbyshire)

The telegraph came through, but just in time
before my coach had passed the county line
mah girl wuz all alone and in distress
and only one guy could go save her- well, you guessed.
Ah told mah driver “stop! I gotta help her
drop...

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I dashed off to the ladies' room
just after Sunday School was through.
The service that would soon begin,
I'd relish from my favorite pew.

As I sailed down the lengthy hall,
I felt the cool, conditioned air--
more in the back than in the front,
but I trucked on, Miss Unaware!

I...

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Young and single, just got a job in a neighbour town,
Thought I’d buy a flashy car so I could get around,
My boyfriend at the time said that I should get a Camaro,
It was new, orange and shiny, how could I be so narrow.

I crowned her...

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Now here's a tale that needs to be told
Of three little pigs so very different
Their names were Ernest, Roger and Winky
These names by their parents were given

Now I could say these pigs were not so nice
At times they were rightly a pain in the ass
Their...

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A romantic young man from Sherwood 
Bought a ring for his girl and felt good
He left it on the bus
Air was blue with his cuss
Chased after it as fast as he could.

A chocolate lover from Bangalore
Couldn't get enough and wanted more
She had a big belly
Wobbled...

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Sewing machine, long idle, gathered dust
In a hollow on the council tip, where
Motionless it stands, in time rigid; still.
Fashions in one’s mind, grandma’s legacy
Of skill, stitched in a place named ‘Tunic Mill’
A long row of stone wall terrace houses,
Families of weavers, sewers of yarn
Alas, now...

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