Best Prophylactics Poems

Do it without trying
Begin by swinging from chandeliers when home
Wear matching multicolored harlequin costumes
Equip yourselves with harmonicas and bazookas
Keep lubricants and trampolines near by for safety
Practice lunar landings in your room

Resume your activities in the great outdoors
Do sex in a car when speeding
Bring a partner...

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How come they call it Labor Day when nobody works?
And why Pool-Table?  Where's the diving board?  the water?
How can you play "Draw-Poker" without paper and pencil?
Do ******* really have bigger knees?
And Flashlight: A bright stage-light to highlight naked joggers?
I went to IHOP; I...

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Neighborhood rapists look at you from a distance
Twisted degenerates filled with poison in the mind
Drooling from the mouth, big and fat and limping
A cast on the ugly leg, fornicators, scratching private parts

They want to take trees by the trunk and love them
Holding the branches back...

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no emotionally ecstatic experience compares 
   to the seminal instance 
   whence spermatozoa 
   (from profuse ejaculation) beget

the miraculous propensity 
   to procreate despite the steep odds 
   female fertility fosters potential impregnation 
 ...

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Clearly this is not a scheduled flight
A rhinoceros is falling from the sky
Outer space is no place for rhinos
Traveling nearly at the speed of light
We have no right to question why
This animal is not made for flying
Surrounds himself with sponges for protection
Why not cotton, parachutes...

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Harriet Harris circa November 13th, 1935 - ~ May 4th, 2005
(untimely death sentence ordained ~ early February 1935)

Test teasing prophylactics embarrassing
purchase never made at local drugstore
unsurprisingly, obviously, invariably...
birth control taboo subject, best to ignore
subsequently intercourse awkwardly coordinated,
consummated, completed extempore
hence bun in the oven bon jure

yielded...

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Espousing irreverent greed

Passive stance, but aye agreed
and did promise to pledge troth
faster than greased lightning airspeed
once the missus temporarily
ceased menarche regarding monthly bleed
became in family way with child
thee eldest, whom one day may breed,
when permanently settled
or opting out begetting offspring,
alluded daughter much more mature,
cuz parent...

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Harriet Harris née Kuritsky...

Despite being a nineteen year old bride
she wed Boyce Brandon Harris
half a decade her senior,
(where I ranked less than a twinkle in their eyes)
during the month of June 1955, 
not quite half a century later ~ May 4th, 2005
death severed the pledge...

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Stricken with turbulence at about seventy two inches

Yours truly issuing a deafening rebel yell
bursting forth with such might
courtesy cooking under pressure
analogous to volcanic upswell,
forcing me quickly to flap vestigial wings
(at the speed of sound)
while simultaneously karaoking William Tell

overture apple lied courtesy top of the line
supra-aural...

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The regressive Supreme Court decision
hustled, proclaimed, and voiced
June 24th, 2022
immediately quashing pro choice option,
struck down constitutional right
(upheld for half a century -
formerly allowing, enabling and providing
the muliebrous population
access to secure and safe abortion)
and sent a chill into the air.

A woman of childbearing age
within the United...

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Harriet Harris circa November 13th, 1935 - ~ May 4th, 2005

untimely death sentence ordained 
approximately six months prior 
to mother dearest celebrating 
her seventieth birthday,
though the last three years of her life
impacted courtesy hysterectomy
to remove malignant growth,
which severely limited
mobility of once vivacious
former Arthur Murray 
ballroom...

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I feel in führer rated and envious...

entrapped within webbed wide world
weft as a rump pulled stilts skein
at warp speed exhibiting
my heroic trumpian wiles
cuz he (johnny come lately) a then 
exemplary hedonist, narcissist, 
and polygamist dons
comical, farcical, illogical, lunatical...
offal dolled up endearing guise,
when inconvenient truth broached

particularly...

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The second time was three years later,
when my cousin called me ‘hater,’
she had gone and got pregnant, see,
despite only being eighteen.
The father had, of course, skipped out,
she claimed,”I don’t need him anyhow!
I am just fine here on my own,
I can’t bring up this kid alone!”
Claimed...

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Espousing irreverent greed

Crafted one year ago today
yours truly – hopefully self plagiarism okay
worse case scenario, 
I would meet ill fate re: kenway
named after Assassin Creed 
Black Flag's protagonist. 

"Yo, I totally Kenwayed that guy." 
by Bilbusbagginzies

Passive stance, but aye agreed
and did promise to pledge troth
faster...

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Harriet Harris née Kuritsky circa November 13th, 
1935 - ~ May 4th, 2005
(untimely death sentence ordained ~ early February 1935)

I trot out a poem acknowledging birthday
of dear ole mom, who succumbed, 
lost lease on life
nearly two decades ago,
who frequently asked me,
but never received acknowledgement
during her...

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