Best Mastercard Poems
With takeovers bankers are set
But Capital One's is a threat
Owning Discover
As surrogate mother
Makes Visa and Mastercard sweat
Categories:
mastercard, business, money, race,
Form:
Limerick
Wedding Day
I can say that I had a bit of a headache.
We should have had more drinkers
If we planned to float the keg.
I left in plenty of time...to be on time.
I had my tuxedo complete with shoes.
And, maybe those aspirin would do the job!
Well she was upset...There's no such thing as 'on time'!
Lots of pictures needed to be taken...
This day must be recorded...not repeated!
My brother...the Best Man...forgot his tux!
He wore Robert's...another brother.
I felt bad for him.
I'll never forget standing up front
Waiting for her to enter.
Then they played the song.
I didn't have a headache anymore.
She was BEAUTIFUL....
Of course!
I watched as she approached with her dad.
He looked relieved to put her hand in mine.
It was like a foreboding moment...
But don't worry...It's all been good!
I just wish she could forgive me
For forgetting my street shoes!
When we left the reception
With me in my tux shoes,
Johnny gave me his mastercard,
"Put the motel on this," he said.
Good thing - I had One Hundred Thirty
Dollars to my name!
We drove straight to our little duplex
And spent the first night together...
We were so tired, we went straight to sleep.
We would have wedding cake for breakfast!
The rest of the story is yet unwritten,
But so far...So good!
P.S.- 35 YEARS IN AUGUST
Categories:
mastercard, weddingme, me,
Form:
Free verse
Your new bank card is on the way,
praise god for all his/her ways
if you can't beat 'em join 'em (I say)
Oh lord have mercy on me.
Relax you've got mastercard,
New fan dangles is your fate.
No worries about interest rate,
Oh lord I hope you are merciful.
Help your child to not lose,
these cards with too much loot,
and the card limit well overshoot
Yes Lord have mercy on me.
Alas, my card has been refused,
I curse the clerk who snipped,
"They want the card ripped,"
Sob, have so much mercy lord.
No card now, such a relief,
Eat beans and rice and believf.
Categories:
mastercard, abuse, cry, culture, dark,
Form:
Kyrielle
These people make me sick
These false prophets
These religious money pits
These well dressed demons of deception
Nothing but
Con artists
Liars
Purveyors of pure sacrilege
Pretending to offer you salvation
Offering you the comfort of the lord
For a price
Selling you a seat in heaven
The more you pay the better your accommodations
Religious travel agents
Without their blessing
You’re doomed to be left behind
You wont get into heaven
Without your donation
I myself believe in religion
Support all religions
They may be different in their views and customs
But the end goal is all the same
Eternal peace
But these people are different
They to,
Want peace…
Your piece
My piece
And anyone else’s piece they can get
Their goal is simple
Fleece the flock
Sell them promise
Sell them an eternal ticket
Guarantee them eternal bliss
For a price
Sell them anointed hankies
And blessed books
Promise them wonderful lives
With their religious looks
They are the one-armed bandits of the new age
With a bible in one hand and a credit card machine in the other
We take Visa, MasterCard, American Express and Discover
But no checks please
We need your “prayer” right now
Not in 7-10 days
These people make me sick
There are so many of them
Saying they represent God
Flashing 800 numbers
Requesting your “prayers”
Which will only be “answered”
As long as credit card is valid
Are people that dumb?
I mean really that naïve?
Do they really believe?
The cheap suits
Silk ties
And piss poor acting of sincerity and caring
Do they not see the obvious?
Are they truly blind?
Do they want to be spiritually slaughtered?
Do they not remember the one very important rule?
You never have to pay to pray!
All God has ever asked of anyone is their faith
Time, is your most valuable asset
It is what you have the least of in life
And this is what you pay to God
Your time devoted to him and your faith in him
Wake up, before it’s to late
You don’t have much time left
Spend it wisely
Spend it on God
Eric (and sometimes not)
Categories:
mastercard, faith, god, heaven, hope,
Form:
Free verse
Fed Up (with the Shutdown)
Go to work everyday,
but I don’t get paid
MasterCard creditor chain letters
said I was a New America
debt slave
Was Union told the Federate zeroes
on my paycheck is retroactive
Ain’t got no money to buy food tho’ ...
guess I have to survive
on government
sound-byte fumes to live
I’m fed up with the Federal shutdown,
I’m sick and tired
of listening to Dem Republican clowns
Been going to work every unpaid day,
and I ain’t noticeably gotten any
Benjamin balm better
So weary from getting frozen wages —
I seek chimney heat,
by bitterly burning those personal
property auction letters
Was blue blot told the blank gray zeroes
on my pay stub is rebel non-negotiable
Ain’t got no cash to purchase gas tho’ ...
guess I gotta suck up
mo’ government
sound-byte fumes for po’ survival
I’m fed up with the Federal shutdown,
I’m hurting from hearing
White House noise by Congress clowns
Go to work everyday,
but I ain’t yet been paid
MasterCard creditor chain letters
said Freddie Irish me was a ***** Adopted
dollar bill slave
Categories:
mastercard, anger, perspective, truth, word
Form:
Ode
I did it with Mastercard today
Makes it easier this way
I come up trump
With a free parachute jump
But alas been lunch for the crocs is a heavy price to pay
Categories:
mastercard, funny
Form:
Limerick
Want it?
Charge it!!
Can't afford it?
Charge it!!
Plastic startin'
to wear a bit thin?
Charge it on another
card...you win!!
No one can stop you now...
And, look, by God,
You have rooms filled
with stuff you can't use...
No one, of you, could they accuse,
Of being a tightwad, a spendthrift,
A miser, a horder of gold,
And, as a matter of fact,
I've been told....
You owe so much your
bills are delivered,
In wheelbarrows,
As you quivered,
Oh, the hell with that,
Lets start our day,
With some charges
on cards, we'll find a way,
Plastic growing a bit
too thin?
People telling you what
trouble you're in?
Let's see, will we
start our days work
with visa or mastercard?
Discover, Amex,
It ain't so hard.....
Amazon.com has
a web site just for you?
Their very best customer,
with what you do...
You live the life of
a billionaire,
As for bills, you have
no care...
Just throw them
quickly, in the trash,
Or in that huge box,
which in you stash
In case some day you need
a laugh,
Just open one, with
your accountant staff,
Not that you plan to pay
them either,
Just a chuckle as you
tether,
Upon economic collapse,
Did they really expect
me to pay them?
Those useless saps!!
Categories:
mastercard, adventure, allegory, angst, confusion,
Form:
Burlesque
Poor House
I’m so tired but I’ll be working ‘til the last day of my life,
this disease just overwhelms me, I think I caught it from my wife.
I’ve got nothing for a rainy day or for our golden years,
I keep sending half my paycheck off to MasterCard and Sears.
Sometimes I have to wonder where our meal will come from next,
then my wife says, “Don’t you worry Hon, I still have all these checks.
Why wait if you want something, just buy it now instead,
enjoy it while you still can,
you can’t spend nothing when you’re dead”.
If I try to put my foot down, we always wind up having sex,
then before my clothes are back on, she’s got my American Express.
I worry what we’re gonna’ do, when our hair has turned to grey,
she’s wants a condo in Miami, but the poor house is where we’ll stay.
I worry how we’re ever gonna’ put our girls through school,
when she’s turning up the thermostat and we can’t afford the fuel.
Having all these bills to pay doesn’t worry her at all,
‘cause she’s mastered the art of borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.
I would have left her years ago if I wasn’t so in love,
when I still had a pot to piss in, and a window to throw it out of.
It’s true I may be up the creek but I’m not paddling,
I’m almost doing splits on this slippery slope I’m straddling.
I’m so tired but I’ll be working ‘til the last day of my life,
this disease just overwhelms me, I think I caught it from my wife.
I’ve got nothing for a rainy day or for our golden years,
I keep sending half my paycheck off to MasterCard and Sears.
I would have left her years ago if I wasn’t so in love,
when we still had a pot to piss in,
and a window to throw it out of.
c Copyright 2007
Categories:
mastercard, funnyday, day,
Form:
Rhyme
(alternately titled: tongue in cheek humor
cuz the following hyperbole
from this pencil necked baby boomer
without intent to badmouth,
nor start unfounded rumor,
who chalks, i.e. attributes gobbledygook
to funny bone tumor).
Impossible mission maneuvering around
soiled clothes pile
floor to ceiling humongous mound
terse reply hopefully adequately sound
to convincingly doth explain
absent poet buried alive underground,
perhaps never heard and/or found
till 1-800 GOT JUNK uncovered
emaciated (lovely bones)
formerly Matthew Scott Harris
his remnants discovered
visa vis mastercard bloodhound.
No need to fret
(while guitar gently weeps),
just talk to who barkeeps
works long late hours, he oversleeps
thus best track him down,
without uttering peeps
please find out if he knows
anybody reliably housekeeps
maybe lady luck will
thru think magical realism
deliver sophisticated robot
harkening within outer limits
from twilight zone
hookin get the job done
in one fell swoop sweeps.
Meanwhile yours truly
tries to remain upbeat
despite being royally tricked
upon pledging his troth
haint cool wedded bliss
heavily perspiring courtesy ultraheat
smellbound by malodorous laundry
necessitating heavy amount
of clorox to pretreat
which I rather drink,
(and thank president Trump)
for sakes Pete!
Though the misses upholds
voluntarily cooking as wifely role indeed
worth commendable attention,
I do concede
and doth adequately buzzfeed
her hubby lest he
wither away to lovely bones
(well past due date
late to avoid
above mentioned outcome,
his (mine) corporeal
being well nigh freed,
thus complaint regarding
spindleshanks solved no knead
to strain skinny ankle muscles
and maintain self promise
holy matrimony, cuz
aye know weed
never remain married forever
as initially agreed.
Fickle finger of fate
hath spoken thru smelly
potential Superfund site
perhaps... not amazing how heaping pile
of unwashed laundry can create
ecological hazard, that warrants B44
one bedroom apartment condemned
management understandably irate
to withhold security deposit
nearly four years at Highland Manor
now ready for model
domestic counterpart to debate
with her better angels where to relocate.
Categories:
mastercard, 12th grade, adventure, crazy,
Form:
Free verse
Yesterday I felt WONDERFUL!
No aches and pains
Happy
All signs of morbid paranoia gone!
I could actually greet people
Offer a smile
while before……
Before?
Well………..
If they were laughing
they laughed at me
I counted my change
so carefully
Thought I looked like a patsy
Slouched around
BUT!
Today?
All the ‘slings and arrows’ return…..
Got up with a sinus headache
Cat crapped on the kitchen floor
Phone computer t.v.
all connection
DEAD!
Car battery?
DEAD!
Wife left a note –
“Goodby FOREVER! you S.O. B!
Took her car
AND
My mastercard
ALL my money
Picked up a book
Forgot the title
So demoralized
‘Ping and Pong’
I dunno
I’ll call it ‘This and That’
Well?
I thought sure I was in the clutches of ‘That’
THEN I realized
With a smile at first
THEN
A leap of JOY!
‘This’ is the day
‘That’ damn woman
Has kissed-off FOREVER!
Categories:
mastercard, family, funny
Form:
CLICK…
Turn on Channel four,
Sultry starlets on the screen
For lasting beauty- use Maybelline
For winning smiles-try new Dentyne.
Turn the dial once more…
Aging actors on the screen
“You have our lifetime guarantee.”
“So, call right now, the call is free.”
Forget about ratings, the real Nielsen scheme-
They sell us to death the American Dream.
It wheedles; it whines; it badgers; it yells;
With wit and without, just simply to sell:
Gold MasterCard, taste a smooth Nestle´ bar,
How you can remove every childhood scar;
Seek out your true mate, reduce mortgage rates,
You need a loan? You don’t have to wait!
Leaders and gutters, Parkay- not butter,
Send a bouquet and make her heart flutter;
Grow beautiful nails, yes, please save the whales
That actor! His movie! All the details!
One snug Sealy bed, now talk to the dead,
Moments that matter, use Closeup instead.
STOP! ENOUGH!
CLICK…
Much better than butter, smoother than cream,
Free from the jingles that drive me to scream.
Now I can take my time and pursue
A worthier past time than just watching you.
I can learn how to cook;
I can read a good book;
I can go out for a drive
So that I know I’m alive.
But the will to walk out and just leave you is weak,
So it surely can’t hurt to have one more peek.
CLICK…
Imagine me up there on the screen,
Ha! The fearless con man’s scene.
Selling bath oil or lotions,
Hawking health food and potions,
Hey, maybe even perpetual motion!
CLICK…
Hmmm, but, with a new hairdo, a smart pinstripe shirt
And the right camera angle, which sure wouldn’t hurt.
CLICK…
Good God! I would do it better than him.
Categories:
mastercard, funny, satireme, time,
Form:
Light Verse
Faith
Faith without
Faith without works
Faith without works
is dead
Faith
Faith without
Faith without
A Visa/Mastercard payment
is no sale
Categories:
mastercard, abuse, blessing, faith, giving,
Form:
Free verse
Sundar Pichai-CEO of Google.
Satya Nadella-Chairman and CEO of Microsoft.
Arvind Krishna-Chairman and CEO of IBM.
Shantanu Narayen-President, Chairman and CEO of Adobe.
Ayapal Singh Banga-Chairman and CEO of MasterCard.
Parag Agarwal-CEO of Twitter.
Sandeep Kataria- CEO of Bata.
Pratyush Kumar-Vice-president of Boeing head of F-16 programme.
Jayshree Ullal-President and CEO of Arista Networks.
Nikesh Arora-current Chairman and CEO of Palo Alto Networks.
Indra Nooyi-former Chairperson and CEO of Pepsi.
Ajay Vashee-CFO of Dropbox.
Raj Subramaniam-President and COO of FedEx
Shailesh Jejurikar-COO of Procter and Gamble.
Dhivya Suryadevara-Chief Financial Officer of Stripe.
Anand Sanwal-CEO of CB Insights.
Gita Gopinath-Chief Economist and Deputy Managing Director of IMF.
Prabir Adarkar-CFO of DoorDash.
Punit Renjen-CEO of Deloitte.
Akash Palkhiwala-CFO of Qualcomm.
Amrita Ahuja-CFO of Square.
Karthik Krishnan-CEO of Britannica Encyclopaedia.
Ajit Jain-Vice-Chairman of Insurance Division of Berkshire Hathaway.
Rajeev Badyal-President of Kuiper Systems.
Vasanth Prabhu-Vice-Chairman and CFO of Visa..
Yuvraj Narayan-CFO of DP World.
Amit Jain-CEO of Emaar Properties which constructed Burj Khalifa.
Rajeev Suri-Former CEO of Nokia.
Rajeev Misra-CEO of SoftBank Vision Fund.
Piyush Gupta-CEO of DBS Bank.
The power to question is the basis of all human progress.Gandhi.
Categories:
mastercard, appreciation, business, december, grandson,
Form:
List
No dollar bill or 'Mastercard' can pay
For pleasure found within your loving eyes
As lips first meet revealing passions' sighs,
The price of love I feel for you today.
Mere coinage has no grace or worldly charms,
A rose, no beauty set beside your heart,
For I can see no finer painted art
Than gently holding you within my arms.
If ne'er I see your raptured smile again
No 'Lawyers4you' who will compensate,
Nor breath of air could ever liberate
So never shall I even think of then.
No dollar bill or 'Mastercard' can pay
the price of love I feel for you today.
Categories:
mastercard, lovelove,
Form:
Sonnet
Resolution To...Too... Tooth... Thou..
(house sand zero, and own nine)
Wine hot ja... jes... justa bead devout
boo... boos...booze hound 'n
frog git (hic cup) bout...
new yea ears rez: hill loo... dang
(burp) louche huns, eh an...,
and beg... agh hen ah nee new wheel 'ear
as zha roosting gadabout
fra... fru... froom this ska...
ski... skid... row... man hunk scout,
ah so... sub... sober chip... er ...,little
tea...poe... pot short and stout
er... chap, cuz in necks stay...hm...
here...ism handle, and thar hiz muss spout
oh...ha rill lee odd doubt
y'all 'member wha...whi...
whoa, what 'prom says 'eed shout
th... hiss hex 'spurt advice
fro...fru...framed dis lout, yea?
What a difference (in meaning), clear
as hub ba hell...(belch) bell jar quake
obvious, (when one not pull lath ta heard) ,
my...er re... rev vol ting... lush 'n not be opaque,
one alphabetic character doth make
duff France sans, the nineteenth versus twenty
first letter of English... lake
really awesome man, how dog nabit,
I could hood ho...hu... hoof accomplished...
rather steal piece o'@$$ er...rather tastykake
alm high ghouls when hide goot awake!
As somewhat (hmm...) not so evident,
one need not be a rocket
surgeon, or brain scientist
visa viz mastercard whiz
at effect of one sprocket...
nor a judge explaining gobbledygook
of law to witness in docket,
cuz this po boy haint moost
richly endowed in his pocket,
nor talented ska, rocksteady,
or reggae tunesmith
never earning any moolah, but forced to sell
off each dreaded locket.
Fellow Americans, this poetaster
lacking hocus pocus
not merely here tubby chiefly
as time waster, with locus
of airy mission to plant sole
lee seeded to shift your focus
from aimining to satisfy reVolution verse us
impossible mission couched
as reSolution lest ye be deemed
moost laughable joker, who makes major fuss!
Categories:
mastercard, adventure, assonance, character, humorous,
Form:
Dramatic Verse