Best Funnymay Poems
'Tis well known that mules are a very stubborn breed,
So 'tis well to keep that point in mind ere you proceed!
They've been known to bite and they have a mighty hefty kick.
(So, how to harness a mule? Very carefully and you must be quick!)
First, you should tie the mule to a sturdy post in an open area.
This will provide you room to move about and lessen his hysteria!
Grab the collar and slide the wider open end over the mule's ears.
(While doin' this, whisper sweet nothin's to him to calm his fears!)
Fasten the hames to the collar and drape the traces over his back.
Tuck the crupper under his tail makin' sure it is somewhat slack.
Tighten the girth ensurin' it's tight, then, fasten the bellyband.
(Take a break to bind the wound where he nipped you on the hand!)
The reins are carefully threaded through the saddle and collar guides.
(You're forgiven when he steps on your foot and you holler naughty asides!)
Now, slip the halter and bridle over his ears and place the bit in his mouth.
Walla! You're ready to hitch him to the plow to turn those forty acres south!
Well, so what you may ask? Why all this fuss about harnessin' a mule?
Because you may be required to harness one someday and not look the fool!
Furthermore, with the price of gasoline risin' at the pump nowadays,
You may need to get a mule and buggy and change your gas-guzzlin' ways!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
It’s amazing how a simple glass of wine,
Can unleash a hidden thought or meaning
You’d think as much as I’ve consumed in life,
I would have a tome that’s gleaming
Full of wise, sagacious oratory
Of thoughts that help the mind
But maybe it’s all piffle, of the wrong kind
You see it’s a very simple thing,
If you’re a writer from the heart
It doesn’t matter how or if you cloud it,
It may someday become someone’s art
God has provided us one of many bounties, the grape
That sometimes helps unleash the sometimes hidden shape
Of some very blessed minds from the most blessed of us all
It may be a way to help reach our true selves, or sometimes break through a wall
So now that I’ve made this potentially absurd assertion
It’s time to prove the theory, with some not so perfect allocution
Of some wise, thoughtful insight into a single glass of wine
For without passion and effort in the making
It may not enable the divine
So maybe try a glass of the fermented grape
When next you feel the block of the writer,
And when others read your work thereafter,
Things may turn out brighter.
The Bedbugs Come to Call
By Elton Camp
All my life I’ve heard of this pest
In filthy houses they come to nest
Bed bugs you will never detect
Where people have self-respect
It seems now, that’s no longer true
Several things we may come to rue
First of all, we have no way to tell
Who stayed before us in the hotel.
We must take the greatest care
Bed bugs can be most anywhere
On spreads or sheets they like to hide
On upholstered chairs they’ve been spied
Maid brings them on the housekeeping cart
Or aboard the luggage carrier they may dart
So when we leave the Marriott,
Sneaky hitchhikers we have got
In the dressing room of the clothing store,
Must never lay our garments on the floor
Use the hook on the wall
Coat, clothes, purse and all
In doctor’s waiting room never dare
Sit on cloth cushioned couch or chair
If we dare to buy from any yard sale,
We must wash the garment without fail
Be certain to use water hot as can be
To insure that you stay bedbug free
Don’t think it can’t happen to you
It really can, despite all you try to do
But even if the pests we acquire,
They cause no real illness dire.
So now try to have a restful night
Please don’t let the bedbugs bite.
Here we go again.
Silly boy.
Tell me no lies.
I may not be smart.
But I am not stupid.
These words you speak are like flies.
Annoying little bastards.
Getting stuck in my hair.
Even though I shall not believe.
I may not be smart.
But I am not stupid.
Not so easy to decieve.
I suppose monkey shines in rhymes will do,
But you(!) monkey may out shine at the zoo!
Peanuts and popcorn,
Primates will not scorn.
Beware the phew monkeys may throw at you!
Monkey shines in rhymes always the best kind,
But fall not into the pit of the lion.
The bite, growl and roar,
Won’t leave a small sore.
Could be the last line rhyme of monkey shine!
For contest: Tales From the zoo
In honor of: Barbara Gorelick
The rock, paper and scissors game
at first glance may seem very tame,
but if you are the loser
and he's an abuser
your wrists may be set quite aflame.
For pd.s contest
~~
On this cold frosty night so dark and still
I hear a rustle at my window sill
Is it my long lost lover, come to call?
A stray dying leaf, that dropped in the fall?
Or a mouse seeking ease from winter’s chill?
They’re vermin, I know, but I could not kill
The poor little beast. I hope that he will
Find a safe place, in a barn or a wall
On this cold frosty night
Some crumbs I may accidentally spill
That a hungry wee mouse may eat his fill
But then again, although he’s only small
I can’t have him running over the hall
Because if he did my screams would be shrill
On this cold frosty night
~~~
encouraged by Andrea. :)
There’s a lot of poems that have gone unread
They hang in limbo as if written by the dead
Awaiting for someone to hear their cry
As they do not have a mouth to question why
Open one
Just for fun
It may make you laugh, Ooh! UHH! Or just sigh
To those that will make you say Oh my Oh my
And don’t forget to leave a comment
It make those poems alive and give the poet a judgement
For example, I found one just a minute ago
It was boring and time wasting if you must know
The ending just killed me, it drove me up the wall
Till I read who wrote it, it was yours truly Sidney Hall
*Save the poet Make a comment*
Small print: please note this is not an advertisment for personal gain but to assist
those new poets who may value your comment. However, if you feel compelled to
comment on me poems I will not stop you :-)
In Zimbabwe you may think life is rough
A land where empty is enough
Remember the rule
Sell your car to buy fuel
To the first world this may seem rather tough
Here is my own recipe for Diet Fruit Pie.
Perhaps you’d like to give it a try.
It will be a success I trust,
if pounds need be shed
as I assume they must.
Peel five large bananas and discard the insides.
Get out the chopper and blend those hides.
When it turns to paste, flour up a pan
and squish it in there by hand.
That will be the crust
of which every pie must.
You may even lick your fingers
If you’re one of those bingers.
Now to this diet pie plan of yours,
Add four cups of apple cores.
For filler, chop up the cardboard box without the ritz
and fold it in with a cup of blended cherry pits.
Now cover up this mess with the rest of the banana peel batter
Bet you’re already feeling a lot less fatter….
(stop drooling)
You may finish up with a garnish topping as follows:
Take old grapefruit peelings and chop them up fine,
mix in, to suite, bits of watermelon rind.
Sprinkle this topping generously all around
And burn this dietary delight until brown.
Warning: this recipe is not for the anemic
As it tends to make one bulimic.
(for more tempting recipes go to : uuuheadforthejohn.com )
Chef Robairte'
The smell of the blue sky, the sound of a hole
to think and make sense is not my role
Watch as a couch contemplates death
listen as a squid tries to make breath
I don't know why I know not why
enter the sandman.. pie in the eye
live my birthday, die my cast
touch all the lemmings as they hurry past.
sense isn't made, it's merely brought in
from the island of lezbos where no one can sin
money is flat and so are cards
now you deserve a kick in the nards
I may be loopy, I may be old
only thing sane in my life is "moulds"
first name is kelly and she's all mine
ya gotta love her all of the time.
I called this greatest poem ever
cause I knew the name would make you read
so keep it coming, keep it coming
I need more views please
Sorry if I lack my usual,
thoughts filled with emotion
but even now with lighter notes,
I have filled my purpose
It may not be very deep
with words that make you weep
but the title's very catchy
that may be all you care to see
I find that when we eat prunes,
We tend to sit in cold bathrooms;
Although it may be a trial,
We fit right in with rank and file.
The wafting scent of strange perfumes,
Are too much like exhaust fumes;
Though it’s not meant to offend the nose,
You can’t compare it to a rose.
All that’s said may sound arcane,
But this I find is a good domain;
For it’s true it is a small event,
But you must admit it’s time well spent.
Goodbye to Mrs. Spratt
By Elton Camp
Although Jack Spratt his diet may hate
Shouldn’t have a problem with weight
And he won’t have any trouble at all
With his level of the bad cholesterol
Because of what Jack puts on his plate
But Mrs. Spratt may be another story
And far too soon, she will go to glory
Her state of health just can’t be right
Because her type of food is a fright
She’ll never be wrinkled and hoary
(This change was due to a reader's suggestion. Thanks.)
Use caution when walking behind elephants son
You don't want to step into a big pile of dung
Take care in passing the pepper to dragons my girl
Just one sneeze and fire will blow you into a whirl
Be ever so polite when riding the unicorn
If rude he may flip you into the horn
Say grace with eyes closed in the eagle's lair
Otherwise she may drop you from up in the air
Never steal home from the brontosaurus team
One swipe with their tail and you've been beamed
Let penguins win the ice hockey game
Losing drives them into flights of insane
Give your entire sandwich to the grizzly bear
Or you may end up on the menu my dears
When sharing your bunk bed with a whale
You take the top or well, well, whale