Best Funnyfriend Poems
Most households have in USA pets
A hundred million cats and dogs
Other pet types include
Aquarium fish and bird
Most content in home environments.
I got discontent with a content cat
We turn to friends or neighbors
For help to short timer
Or to pet-care giver
All options, not optimal for each pet.
I became that short timer option
My friend wished to go to Ukraine
I pet-sitted for his cat
Gave me care-taking note
Of her keeps, her daily medicine.
Giving transdermal med into her ear
And she bit the crap out of my ear
Can’t call friend back or a vet
Used third option instead
Sent her to professional care taker.
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Contest: Pet-Sit Panics in Honor of Sharon Tideswell
(This is a fictional poem)
Last year my friend was being sexually harassed.
Every time his boss saw him, she pinched his ___.
She thought she'd get away with it because he was a man.
She intended to make him her love toy, that was her plan.
That perverted lady made my friend strip.
Every time they went on a business trip.
I decided to tell his wife what was going on.
She grabbed her mower but not to mow the lawn.
She ran the mower over that lady's face, it was the most horrible thing I'd ever seen.
Now that ***** makes the bride of frankenstein look like a beauty queen.
That lady may have or may not have deserved what she got.
If you're considering harassing my friend, you'd better not.
I was in hurry
did not drop coin in bowl
And beggar judged
I was pauper..............
I was rehearsing
in make-up for beggars dialogue
And dropping coin passer by judged
I was beggar........................
I was wiping my tears
hearing good news of moms recovery
And relative judged
I lost my mom.................
I was laughing alone
in mental hospital on old joke
And hospital inmates judged
I was insane.................
I was holding trophy
won by son in sports
And media persons judged
I was winner ......................
I was holding hand-cuffs
of police friend busy pissing
And all in toilets judged
I was criminal............
NAUGHTIEST ........
I was in brothel
To retrieve drunk friend
And other friend judged
I was having fun.....................
© Hitendra Mehta
For Members Contest – “Here comes the Judge” by Joe Flach
The night falls
and me and a friend are having a walk
He looks up the sky and says stare up high
the moon looks ugly
I look at it and think, then say:
Someone ate the moon
It seems so tasty but it makes you so wasty
It look so cool but it makes you a fool
As we dazzled up high we laughed with a cry
A car comes by and we say good-bye
But thank you God cause we didn't die
I farted, he peed
He cried, I screamed!!
The man comes out, he wants to knock us out
While he was swaying he was saying:
What's this smell? The floor is so wet
Why do you cry? As if your momma died
We stand up saying as if we were playing:
Shut up punk! Your momma's so fat!
The cops come down asking what was down
I ate the moon, I say like a fool
He looked up strait and fell with a praise
I felt like a God but I'm just a mod
I go to the guy tell him he will die
He punched me high making me fly
My friend was a freak, he gave a big shriek
Everyone left and I was left
My friend gazed as he hold me strait
And told me that I have to write that
I said okay and you're so gay.
EQUAL TIME FOR NEWTON AND MY FRIEND LEE
My friend Lee is a cool guy, sees UFOs in the sky;
And he’s allowed time at his job in the burger-bar
To think where the great secrets of science lie.
When flipping patties or mixing secret sauce he sees far.
Lee and Newton liked to study falling fruit
But Newt did it two hundred years before Lee.
Why does he get credit? Let’s examine the root:
He’s older than Lee - it’s easy to see
That this is reverse ageism. Lee’s ignored cos he’s young.
We scientists must stick together, young and old
Giving equal credit to heroes as well as heroes-unsung.
And sharing names and ideas, complicated and bold.
After all he was no great genius, the old apple-gent.
Took him years to grasp gravity; took Lee two days.
Ok, Newt didn’t have a computer or other equipment
But as Lee said, he’d loads of apples to find gravity’s ways.
Equality demands that sci-books refer to Lee’s Laws of Motion;
Telescopes will be Lee Refractors; forces measured in lees.
And there’ll be movie, music and showbiz commotion
About Tommy Newton Jones, Newton Marvin, and Jerry Newton Lewis
My good friend Zac
decided to make a crack
about me writing poems
so I figured I would show em
about what it really meant
to be a true poet
so instead of just running my mouth
I would shut him up and show it
As he began to say a poem
that was to me,mean and cruel
a cat grabbed him by his tongue
and made him look like a fool
Now this man they call Zac
he tells many women lies
some say he's womanizer
some say he destroys lives
but with all this reputation
don't misconfuse my interpretation
for this man is my friend
many say he's a good hand
with the imagination of a 4 yr old
He truly believes
He's full electric volts
and only ask
when you shake his hand
you act like your shocked
and die like a man
I know that makes no sense
He told me to put it in
Like I told you all before
This man is my friend
Like funny Cracker jacks
they show there true colors
they only feel better
when they tease and taunt another
So if you see my friend Zac
ever walking down the street
Please O god punch him in the face
and please say it was from me
Some social obligations must be observed, I suppose,
But some leave me unnerved and somewhat morose.
One such tribal ritual is the dreaded hospital visitation,
A social call that I approach with very little anticipation!
Usually its some guy who's a friend of a friend of my spouse,
So I grudgingly traipse along to please the lady of my house.
The hapless guy doesn't want to be there, neither do I.
I'd rather be fishing on a placid lake with my rod and fly!
Sprawled upon the bed he resembles a mummy wound in sheets,
Sprouting tubes and needles, bandaged from chin to feets.
To make conversation, I exclaim, "Gee, you're looking swell!"
My wife kicked my shin - I could barely suppress a yell!
Nursey comes by to give a shot that sets his head a-reeling.
In his stupored state he just stares blankly at the ceiling.
I can think of no words of hope or sick humor to impart.
Lord, ain't there a way I can quickly, tactfully depart?
I've oft wondered if the patient dreads the visit as much as me,
Tho' I think there's one thing on which we can both agree.
Rather than trying to cheer his soul with inane trumpery,
Just smile a lot, hold his hand and cease the humbuggery!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired (© All Rights Reserved)
DEEDS GOOD AND BAD
I will concede
That a friend in need
Is a friend indeed
Cos he does a man a good deed
Some men are harried
When we wish to get married
We shouldn’t be worried
Too soon we’ll be buried
Englishmen are always too tea-d
USA guys are often coffee-d
Such drinks for a man - a good deed
But too much and he’s expiry-d
And I have also read
Of people using lead
To bash some man’s head
A bad deed instead.
………………………………………………………………………………
( Monorhyme, but reversed rhyme in last stanza )