Best Enema Poems
Oops, It was an Accident
I accidentally let one loose
on a blind date with a guy named Bruce.
We went to the movies on that fateful day
happily carrying our snacks on a tray.
We settled down in our comfy seat
all ready to enjoy this special treat.
Things were proceeding oh so well
with popcorn, hot dogs, banana split with caramel,
when suddenly my stomach began to rumble,
and to my dismay, gurgle and grumble.
In fear, I felt the gases build up
like a once dormant volcano about to erupt.
Then helplessly, I had to just let it loose;
oh my gracious, the stench was profuse!
Mortified I wanted to drop to my knee,
but played possum so none would suspect it was me.
People started shouting such gross obscenities,
and hollering out unmentionable profanities.
One voice declared that something had died;
another indignantly wanted the stinker identified.
Someone suggested the skunk should be drowned;
I wanted to flee, but I dared not turn around.
So quietly I sat unknown in the dark cinema,
as poor Bruce wondered aloud if someone had been given an enema.
My heart boomed forth just like a doom-drum,
I prayed no other foul odor would escape my guilty bum.
But like a clan of skunks, it lingered and stunk,
I was so afraid folks would figure out who’d made that funk.
Thankfully I was saved from public disgrace
as ushers armed with spray cans fogged up that whole place.
Gratefully I sighed, relieved that my crime
had not been traced back to me by show time!
07-09-2018
Contest: I Accidentally Let One Loose
Sponsor: Charles Messina
Placement: 1st
Categories:
enema, anxiety, hilarious, youth,
Form:
Rhyme
Archetypes flash straight from a pack of Tarot cards
anti-terror Jing Jang synthesis with neuro-spiritual precision
implants explosive animation from the deep unknown
like a taro rootstock growing wings to fly with found suspension
Stereotactic stereotypes archetypes semi-circling soothing storm clouds
thunderbolts and enlightening darkness are my enema of anxious anger critique
of the mono-morph collision of the scalpel shadow ‘Prozacian’ nemesis
neology of ‘animusity’ of ‘newfoundlandel’ comprehension
Dialectical complementation rises higher and higher culminates in
ethereal transcendence where collective personal unconscious
presents my animus in wishful thinking and projections as
soft and gentle revel rebel raising entropy in tender conservation to escape from
Dogma categorically demanding artificial classification replacing with dimension
flow and rivers stagnant pools of stream of consciousness evading
sexist fragmentation disenfranchising marginalisation assigning male
and female emasculated o-variation where seminal origin implantation
Precedes nurture socialised indoctrination assignment of celibate promiscuity
My animus refuses to accept in emotional rejection whether Jung and I read
symbols from the same page or not of masques façades and liberated self
where academic artistry split hairs and personality for the premise of debate
I am a rebel and claim no higher lower ground of superior distension
He or she who animates friendly animosity is right and incorrect whatever
common ground belies the provocation I propose but possibly my
presentation of what others mean in kindness is too neutral neuters psyche
While anima and animus illustrate conclude a symbiotic destination
the starting point of this and that left right up above and side by side
is far too circular an argument when we should start not end in union
Male and female are constructions of disparity of power and repression
Archetypes are not therefore I am
11th June 2016
Animus-Anima Part II—Animus – Poetry Contest
Sponsor Tom Quigley
Categories:
enema, men, society, women,
Form:
Free verse
Her name was Ethel....(yes, like the gasoline)
She smelled of menthol...(much like Vick's Vaseline)
A long time neighbor, from down the lane
She was married twice...(or was it thrice?)...
A widowed lady, we knew her well
A bit disgruntled, and a bit dismantled
A bit unusual.....a bit disturbed
and most the time, seemed quite perturbed!!
And as a kid....of her, I feared!
So scared of her that when she came .....Holy Moly, off I'd run!
And hide away..........'til she was gone!
She was a mix of ice.....a tad of nice....
But my mother trusted her sage advice
She had a cure for most everything....some seemed rather sensible
Some quite extreme!!!
The worst indeed..............(Please excuse my dilemma!)
She believed in the (OMG!!) THE ENEMA!!
(Well....now you can see .....just why I hid!!)
And castor oil..............gahhhhhh.......how disgusting!!
Should only be used when parts are rusting!!!!!!
And an old rag wrapped and rubbed on your wart
Then into a hole.....dug out by the fort....
Yep!! Now, why would a dishrag buried in the yard
Could have such power to rid.................................A WART??
Ridiculous notions....all of her potions......but...
Golly, Gee Whiz! , I'll have to say...
That I've been wart free.........since buried rag days!!
Oh, Miss Ethel..............perhaps you were weird....
but you would fix a mother's fears...
Could you still fix-up all my own....
all of my fears....after all these years?
Just NO MORE ENEMAS!!! Please Miss Ethel.....
Oh !! my dear !!
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Categories:
enema, funny, people
Form:
Rhyme
Some have said Jan has dung for brains
How rude are those who place disdains
on her poems in the soup
Their words are full of poop
Jan sits upon her throne and reigns
From porcelain commode she rules
Toilet paper and pen, her tools
She takes a morning dump
from a crack in her rump
One day she found dark colored stools
Her doctor arranged for a scan
So, off to the UK, flew Jan
From her brain to her feet
First an enema... Fleet
That kept Jan sitting on the can
Days later, she read the results
With mirth and laughter, Jan exults
She'd eaten licorice
Rumors were gibberish
Fools, were those rumoring insults
Jan's brain scan proved that she's alright
If her poems offend the 'uptight'
She just couldn't care less
If it brings them distress
Because she doesn't give a s.h.i.t.e
Categories:
enema, humor,
Form:
Limerick
The thought of "dwarf tossing" I abhor
But a leaping frog will make me roar
In Calaveras County
They leap to collect bounty
Hillbillies watch as moonshine they pour
To leap the farthest takes stamina
Mixed with a good dose of enema
Hoots and howls from onlookers
As bets are placed with bookers
Entertainment factor enigma
Entry for John Freeman's Limerick contest
Calaveras County really does have a frog jumping contest. See
http://www.beachcalifornia.com/california/jumping-frog-calaveras-county.html
Categories:
enema, funny
Form:
Limerick
‘ Constructive-Criticism … (An Oxymoron, For All But A Few) ’
Constructive-Criticism Is Good, It’s True
But, I’ve Only Seen It Used Properly, By A Few …
‘Cause, One Thing I Know, That I Have Seen
‘Some’ Use Criticism, Just To Be Mean …
Then, The Term Should Be: Destructive-Criticism
‘Cause, They Ain’t Even Getting Paid! … To Spout Poison In ‘Em
I Know Then, They Want To Abuse, in Jealous-Individualism
So, Maybe, They Need An Enema, or Have An Embolism
Coming Up (or while under Construction) I Was Told
And The Engineer-Advice, Was As Good As Gold
‘ If You Can’t Say Something Nice, Don’t Say Nothing’ At All’
So, I Don’t Bomb Somebody’s Building, Just To Watch Them Fall
Constructive-Criticism, Don’t Sic That Dog On Me
Take It and Go Bark-Up, Somebody Else’s Tree
Take A Look At Your Own, Before You Tell Me What’s Wrong
You Know What You Can Do With That … (and The Horse You Rode On)
And In The Words of ‘Tom Snyder’, (The Idea I Relate):
“Just ‘Cause I Think Somebody’s Trying To Kill Me … Don’t Mean They Ain’t!”
And, If You Don’t Like My Building, There’s The Door, Walk Away
I Don’t Need You Cutting Down, My Structure of What I Say
And If Negative-Criticism, Is Under Construction ... That’s A Front !
When Have You Ever Heard of Something Negative, Building-Up ?
Maybe Somebody Dropped Them On Their Head As A Child
But That’s No Excuse To Criticize, Somebody Else, or Their Style
And that ' True ', for A Few, I Meant at The Beginning
Here Are The Ones, I Accept Their Condescending:
GOD … Loved-Ones … Close Friends … (and Me)
‘Cause I Am My Own Worst-Critic, You See …
Constructive-Criticism, That’s an “””Oxymoron”””
And Look How That Word Is Spelt … Hon
(I Prefer The Term: Commentator ( Cause I Love to Comment ! )
‘Cause I Want To Polish Your Metal, Without Leaving A Dent
Categories:
enema, education, introspection, life, on
Form:
Light Verse
It has been drawn into attention that you constantly mention my faults. Point one at me and three you'll see point back at the enemy. You're no longer a friend to me; woman! My mind is like an anus. I'm in need of an enema; flushed from your hatred and cleared from your betrayals. I need a clean slate to scratch new records to turn tables. My head is stuck into a kink; of sorts. To name a few things, my shoulders have shrugged often; leaving my neck at your mercy; woman! Torture is my eternal chamber when I'm in your grasp. A bubble from my nostril; water fills my lungs. A hand pressed firmly atop of my face as the hot and cold water runs.
An illusion of the mind... Good one; woman! A falsehood created by manipulation of my own being. A battle with one’s own self righteousness as another holds the strings; the puppeteer is almighty; believes only in herself. She will cut your neck and wrap the strings around your throat. Left for brain dead and mentally broken; but I… (Yes! Me) I still want to help you. I care about you…; woman! For some unknown force compels me so. I can't place the blame because the blame hasn't a place; you know. It leads back to me. You control me because I let you; woman! You lie to me because I let you convince me; woman! You control me…; woman! But I (yes me!); I love you; woman! I love everything about you, even though you make me feel like **** and only care about yourself. You're an infectious disease which effects mental health. I love you more than I love myself. Woman…; lying, cheating, manipulating…; woman! But wait; just you wait a minute… man! (Minute man) I've heard that not all women are like you. I know its true (yes! Me) I really, really do! I met a few. They care about people and don't feel entitled to things that they haven't personally earned. (And-Even) Offer respect and help when a man does his part. Work is an obligation to provide. Which should be rewarded; not discarded as a lack of parenting that cannot be replaced with any amount of money; but give me a break; woman! We all must survive. I love those kids and want to have them in my life and I want to be part of the decision making…; woman! I hear there are many, many women would respect this. You are who you are; women! Please let me be who I am... There's a rumor floating around that not all women are like you… WOMAN!
2014
Categories:
enema, boyfriend, girlfriend,
Form:
Prose Poetry
I am small
and gaining WEIGHT
from the chips that I had ATE
Just around the BEND(I can barely do that,FRIEND)
Gut around the MIDDLE while my nephew tells a RIDDLE
Exploding sudden GAS ,it came from my rotund ASS
Chicks no longer LOOK at this unsightly SCHNOOK
as I eat my TWINKIE,the underoos are getting STINKY
What do men and women FEAR-besides an enema to the REAR?
unbearable stomach SIZE of a fatso that we DESPISE
Mother wants to give son TREAT by buying hamburger,Burger King SWEET
Dom Deluise has shown me the WAY to get more pound and flab
by expanding every DAY
Spaghetti and a MEATBALL to placate hunger and it's tasty CALL
Love handles is a feeling WHICH..
I quite fear,
life can be an unfair -ITCH!!
Categories:
enema, funny,
Form:
Limerick
There once was an enema bag named Steve.
Who wants me to go on here?
Categories:
enema, dark, fun, funny, howl,
Form:
Free verse
Green eggs and ham I am
Denny's new Grand Slam
Egg whites wriggling like a clam
Yellow yokes oozing over the dam
Ham clods denser than Spam
Coated with a varnish of Pam
Gratuitous cholesterol by the gram
Down unthrottled hatch cram
If green terds your jaded colon jam
And amber waves of gout bloat each gam
To Dr Seus's gluteal factory scram
His stool abusing suppositories are a scam
But his rendering vises are no sham
So with leased enema your red ass ram
Till the ivy clumps ooze through your tram
Categories:
enema, funny
Form:
Rhyme
Esoteric Enema
Miser of Burden
Intrinsic Impetus
Seer of Inertia
Virulent Vestige
Alias of anonymity
Pious Pathogen
Fear of Androgyny
Visceral Virtue
Tao of Two
Antigen of Affinity
I love you
Categories:
enema, funny, introspection, love,
Form:
Super-rich are the Devils spawn,
why Nigeria has the Con-Mans FORM,
old habits: Craft, Deceit,
and Pirates cop it sweet,
can't change em tootie suite,
though IN poverty reborn,
NO lesson learned, forlorn,
Gina's seed dilemna thorn, {high enema?}
Nigeria on-delete....
so goes the queen of prawns...
Don Johnson
Logic rules the universe,
Levels Earned at EVERY birth,
VERILY are worse,
if you've been a greedy Hog,
you'll suckle under Dogs
of lessons learned a DEARTH?
The SUCK-IT-UP cum-drop CURSE,
KARMA'S empty purse,
just no excuse for Frogs......
Don Johnson
im saying Gods will is verily done,
when reborn the nasty one,
in sweet dear old Nigeria, the slum....
the lesson is no fun....
Where next doth your spirit come?
If you've reaped bad seed 4 some
sow well, the sweetness mum....
Categories:
enema, adventure, universe,
Form:
Ballad
Complete Idiocy
Did discover I was faced with a dilemma
Was word to use either enigma or enema
When articulate adjective for call was curtain
How bad would pain have to be hurtn'.
When call ended up being last one
Show was already over and done
What might be missed never knew
Except person put in prison for point of view.
Now that point of view could be contained
And forgot all the facts that had remained
No matter what the bigger the crime
Longer in jail will have to serve time.
Should you serve or is it better to be served
And smoking and bad behavior had to be curbed
After a period of time they then projected
With complete idiocy we were to be injected.
James Thomas Horn
Retarded Veteran and Poet
RiverSea Plantation
Bolivia, NC
Categories:
enema, funny, humorous,
Form:
Couplet
My head aches and a drowsy dampness
pains my sense, and makes me
pray these germs stamp less
hard on my eyeballs’ scleriae.
You tell me how swiftly it flows;
this never ending sneezing,
this liquefaction in my nose,
These lungs that won’t stop wheezing.
My skin’s red hot and wrinkled;
zillions of germs infest my liver.
My tongue’s dried up and crinkled,
and I just shake and shiver.
You vapo rub my back.
What?...ice water enema me!
Between these germs and you, you quack,
you're my new worst enemy.
Categories:
enema, funny, healthme,
Form:
Light Verse
Poem with Poem of Day Potential
or Diet Dilemma Another Enema
My poem has much poem of day potential
Including having infinity for its exponential
And many minds must be really ridiculous
That think how awful are all my amaryllis.
Now suppose I were to look like a lunatic
Because converted computer was catalytic
And on surface to put on ions you did try
Causing a compound to start and multiply.
What if I were to enjoy my own religion
And never would ever kill a clay pigeon
Truly devoted to each commandment
Until to heaven finally had been sent.
From the first time that God and I met
After seeing me said with deep regret
You like nice things neat and nostalgic
But become aroused by things angelic.
Your future was clearly caste in stone
You must be by yourself and left alone
Finding fudge you loved definitely divinity
You could eat through time until infinity.
Was obvious found yourself fat as can be
Wings required were as big as a tall tree
Can you believe God said until you are thin
Return back to earth and be on a diet again.
James Thomas Horn, Retired Veteran
Categories:
enema, funny, hilarious, humor, humorous,
Form:
Couplet