Best Bum Poems
Put on his red bathers you're joking
Too tight something out front it was poking
found another old pair
to cover up pubic hair
He's now off to the ocean for soaking
Now he's looking quite bronze and quite fancy
Ready to meet his girlfriend who's called Nancy
on the sand they will walk
hold hands while they talk
One day she might be his fiancee
Find a spot that's private and shady
to skinny dip with his beautiful lady
several others have come
they see his lily white bum
His girl's given surname it's O'grady
From ocean water body's cool, appetisingly salty
Sun burnt skin's feeling sore and quite faulty
He wants to bonk on the shore
She says no that's for sure
He says your excuse is unloving and paltry
His ex girlfriends name was Cecelia
Too often he wanted to feel her
with legs very bandy
he was often so randy
In the sun in in the hay made love to this sheila
Now this oversexed man so begotten
So naughty they smacked his big bottom
but he wasn't deterred
still did what he preferred
Loved underwear made out of soft cotton
Now it's summer he's feeling quite warm
Many old tricks he does often perform
out in his work shed
there's a double sized bed
Where they shed all the clothes that are worn
It's now time for a warm summer party
Can attend it's casual not arty farty
still daylight at nine
have a whopping good time
Good conversation and laughter that's hearty
The poor lovely lemon,
It’s really so unfair
An arbitrary choice?
Then why not choose a pear?
Why pick on little lemons
A bit sour to the taste?
An unfair connotation
Common sense has been displaced
My car is such a lemon,
Is said to mean, its junk!
And that ‘When life gives you lemons”…
Is just a lot of bunk
Why lemons are delicious
In their bright and cheery hue
There seems to be no end to just what
They can do for you
Now, they can bleach your elbows
And can even lighten hair
Try sitting in the sun
With your hair that’s full of pear
And maybe most important,
At least it is for me!
I need them for my cocktails
Well, I need a lemon tree!
Sitting at the table, with prim and proper guests
We only started eating after the food was blest.
While chatting to the Vicar, I felt a sudden twitch
My voice started trembling, because my bum began to itch.
I wiggled on the chair, hoping to rub the itch away
It would not bloody budge, the itch had come to stay.
I poured the wine quite calmly, while wondering what to do.
The itch was now quite vicious, my mind was in a stew.
Though the itch had started slowly, it was now a raging pain
I had to scratch it quickly, or I’d go insane.
As my hand was moving downward, ready for a scratch
They made me light the candles with a ruddy match.
The meal dragged on so slowly, it seemed to take so long
And every time I tried to scratch, my timing was wrong.
But when the meal was over, the Vicar made us pray
I prayed with such intensity, the itch just went away
There must be something besides love
Another good topic for a poem
Perhaps I'll write about nature and stuff
And the chilly winds a-blowin'
November in Canada has that nip in the air
That foretells of the season ahead
For those that are into those winter sports
Bet you're can't get it out of your head
Well maybe when I was a very young'un
Snow time meant barrels of fun
But this guy's quite old and crotchety now
Snow means falling on me bum
Can't wait for spring just six months to go
The months can't go by fast enough
Perhaps I'll hibernate just like the bears
Then wake up and brush of the dust
Don't get me wrong, I'm Canadian eh!
It's the law, I'm required to like winter
They could lock me up, throw away the key
It's also against the law to whimper
(sniff!)
Bum Burns
In the nearby park Uncle Johnny
With a big full round tummy
Touched group of red ants
They ran up in his pants
Badly bit poor Johnny's bummy.
Contest:Limerick II
Sponsor:Jan Allison
21.02 15
Oh my word we have such fun,
She has the most amazing bum,
She wiggles buttocks to and forth,
One goes south, the other north,
And should the day’s pale dusk arrive,
I watch her bottom, duck and dive,
For tis my pleasure with limit not…to
View her bouncing beauty spot
All you friendlies here on the site
A fire under me bum you always ignite
Can't wait to arise
To converse with you guys
It's a pleasure, a thrill, a tremendous delight
© Jack Ellison 2015
She was a barnacle on my bum
Following me around town
getting jealous if I talked to another girl
even if they were 91.
I didn't want to hurt her
because she was so sweet
But every time I turned around
she'd be there on the street
Some times she used to frighten me
I'd have nightmare in bed at night
She was like a heat seeking missile
and she had me in her sites.
She had lips like Mick Jagger
and was always kissing me
And all because I complimented her once
and bought her a cup of tea
Now she's besotted
and wants to marry me.
I can't see what she sees in me
I try to avoid her like the plague
I was scared to leave the house
But had to and be brave.
I had to always be on the watch
Like a hunting cat
be as agile as a ballerina
and as stealthy as a rat.
But then she found a boyfriend
I was happy as can be
Because he now had a barnacle on his bum
Phew! and not me.
Peter Dome.copyright.2014.march.
My tale about the barnacle I bared upon my bum
has now passed into legend and folk law
The battle I thought was over and now long done
Just when I thought I could sit down and relax
and lick my wounds
and heal my poor bum
I now have two barnacles
clinging on instead of one.
Their jealous of each other
and like a porcupines
my bum is very sore
I'm stuck in the middle
and I don't think I can take any more!!!!!.
My telephone is melting
and they push love notes through my door
I'm divided down the middle
and I'm preparing for war.
I have no idea why they follow me around like flies
maybe it's my aftershave that smells so nice
There's nothing about me
I do declare
but everytime I turn around
there's always someone there.
Why couldn't it ever be
who I really like
I even tried to escape on my motorbike last night
I thought I was just saddle sore
but latter when I pulled my trousers down
what did I see
not two barnacles but three.
I darn't leave the house no more
and I've barricaded myself in
I'm now a nervous wreck
and I've taken to drinking Gin
I've sealed the letter box and took the phone of the hook
and have been searching amazon for a useful book.
If your a poor sufferer too
have a hammer and chisel
we can help each other get through
just bare your bum like me
and maybe we could throw the barnacles back into the sea.
''Beware! their out there''.
Peter Dome. copyright.2014.march.
Liar Liar Bum on Fire
How do I confess,
The lies I have told?
Which should I address,
Dare I be so bold?
The white lies,
I have told my share,
It will come as no surprise
Total truth I can not bare.
But what is the biggest,
The badest of them all?
My fourth grade spelling test?
The unanswered call?
Maybe it was the time
They asked how I was
I said just fine,
Isn’t that what everyone does?
Batter bitter birdie's bum
Fry the fritter for the chum
Peter's picky peaky tum
Tummy crummy dummy dum-dum
Once upon a time
I gave a bum a dime
Dropped it in his tin can
I should have ran
He grinned a grin
Filled with sin
Weapon after weapon
He ran me through
First blunt
Then sharp
Left me in the alley to die
Death - What a single dime can buy
A dear friend by the name of John W
Once with his doctor had a rendezvous
Doc figured out how come
He had moss on his bum
It'd been months since John's had a poo
© Jack Ellison 2015
Tommy fell off his bike and broke his bum
When he set off to find a new one
Big, tall, or one size fits all
A man he met at the mall,
offered a new bum but for a large sum
Tommy looked here, there, and everywhere
Even the stores where they sold underwear
To venders who had his back
But his bum still had a huge crack!
Something was still wrong, how very unfair
His bum was so noisy it brought him shame
It made weird noises and he got the blame
Tooting, hooting, and squeaking
when anyone started speaking
His bum sounded like a video game
When he discovered he had the loudest,
his talent made Tommy the proudest,
A butt trumpeting bold,
better than a pot gold
His sound-system backside, the best!
Sonic blasts when Tommy bent over
He picked a perfect four-leaf clover
A gas that blew him away
well into St. Paddy’s Day
A blast heard from Dublin to Dover
I remember in my early teens,
being teased about my facial hair was really mean,
people would tease and they would poke,
always trying to make jokes,
but it wasn't just bum fluff to me.
Contest: FLUFF - Carol Brown
M.Mahauariki © 2012
1st place