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The Gun Shop Premiere Contest Winner

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May 23, 2024

~ First Place ~
Premiere Contest: Open Poetry 9
Sponsor: Charlotte Puddifoot

Poet’s note: the structure of this poem reflects my admiration of the ingenious format of the poem, The Quilt, composed by Abigail Parry. Her poem is exquisite. The use of language and the multi-faceted expression of her theme is rich, textured and entwined. My poem is simple by comparison and quite different in subject matter. I enjoyed the striking quality of her format and was inspired to write this poem in a similar fashion with the hope it would work well with my theme. Though I strayed from Abigail Parry’s form in both stanza count and the number of lines exceeding 8 syllables, I feel I was able to meet my goals for writing this poem. A wonderful learning experience. If you want to read an amazing poem full of beautiful soul, poetic devices and stellar technique, please give Abigail Parry’s poem The Quilt a read.

(unrhymed) quatrain


 

The gun seems gun-shy in this space; where deer hides hang on rustic walls and granddad-tick-tocks beat, instead of hearts in hollowed skins. The gun a “trophy-bagger” in its rack, a loud-mouth predator at rest, this motherless, brother-less thug perceives no pity-pangs... the gun now quiet, buckshot empty, cold. Above the stove’s phoenix soul hangs an antlered head with prideful tines the man, with bear-paw hands, had won. A fox in freeze-frame-trot, a stiff with cat glass eyes, attests his prize. Indeed, like litterfall they fell, unseen his haunt in hunter gear, his gun a junkyard dog of steel. I say they're beautiful in life. He says they’re beautiful in death. Between our words — a stand of pine — the shot! that brought the shock of ammo air that rib-cage-ripped and broke the breath, that hurled the crows against the sky — the blast that felled the 10-point buck that failed to sense your goddamn gun! Yeah... blame the buck his reckless pose and buckled throes. You felt the king. Behind tight trees you sat with dawn in sniper-silhouette. The gun felt nothing; no remorse, no joy —it, too, hangs upon the wall.

Copyright © | Year Posted 2024




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Date: 10/6/2024 10:37:00 AM
Thanks for reminding me, Susan. I just read the quilt now. It's everything you said. The quilt is a great metaphor.
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Susan Ashley
Date: 10/14/2024 9:01:00 AM
Dear David, I'm so glad you enjoyed The Quilt. It definitely is a great metaphor. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan
Date: 9/26/2024 8:24:00 AM
Great poem, Susan. I'll have to read The Quilt and maybe try to copy the format. I think you've done it very effectively, with the rhythm, and punctuation of "the gun" at the end of the stanzas (though I haven't yet read the Quilt. I like the creative descriptions "hurled the crows across the sky".
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David Crandall
Date: 10/6/2024 9:20:00 AM
Thanks for reminding me, Susan. I just read the quilt now. It's everything you said. The quilt is a great metaphor.
Ashley Avatar
Susan Ashley
Date: 10/6/2024 8:17:00 AM
Dear David, thank you for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this poem with me. I appreciate your recognition of the "the gun" and its effect at the end of the stanzas. Though I strayed slightly from Parry's format, and though The Quilt is very different from my poem in content, I was intrigued by her repetitive use of "the quilt" at the end of stanzas and thought this same usage would work well with my theme. Have you read The Quilt yet? Just wondering, it's so worth the read for the flow of thought, rhythm, structure and emotional quality. Warmest wishes my poet friend.. ~Susan
Date: 7/16/2024 1:05:00 AM
Dearest poet friend Susan, I've read this many times and I can say it's a one of your best poems crafted in highly calibrated poetic artistry. A powerful write that also reminded me about 2 loved ones who're already gone and whose hunting (birds) was one of their past times. I'm an animal lover and my great love for them could only make me stare the gun on the wall. An outstanding poem and Congratulations on your well-deserved trohpy win! Thanks for sharing! Hugs
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Susan Ashley
Date: 7/20/2024 8:54:00 AM
Dearest Len, my soulful friend, it's a pleasure to hear from you. Thank you for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this poem with me, your response and thoughts are truly valued. I am an animal lover too, and I don't understand the "sport" of killing animals for the pleasure/challenge of it. Your shining presence and kind congrats are both deeply appreciated, my dear poet friend. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan
Date: 7/13/2024 10:30:00 AM
oh, love this very clever & super-powerful write, my friend. As always, your polished writing blows me away
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Susan Ashley
Date: 7/20/2024 8:50:00 AM
Dear Jack, my dear poet friend, thank you for your gracious visit and heartwarming response to my poem. I'm so happy to know you thought highly of this piece, I am truly appreciative of both your kindness and esteemed thoughts. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan
Date: 7/2/2024 11:13:00 AM
Absolutely awesome write! You just keep getting better and better!! :)
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Susan Ashley
Date: 7/2/2024 5:33:00 PM
Hey Susan!! It's so wonderful to see you! It's been way too long since we've crossed poetic paths here. Thank you for your enthusiastic response to my poem. Your words are as uplifting as they are valued. I hope all is well with you and yours, and that you'll stay here for a good, long while :) Warmest wishes, my creative poetry friend.. ~Susan
Date: 6/28/2024 6:24:00 AM
Powerful, poignant, heartwrenching…the gun repeated for effect and positioned likewise. I have seen those prized antlers on the walls of proud hunters. Makes us feel as though are heads are on the wall. Susan, this is a fave! Well done, Poet! This might well be a “classic” in the future.
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/28/2024 5:39:00 PM
Dear Kim, I'm thrilled to receive your uplifting remarks as I hold your poetic artistry in high regard. Thank you for your gracious visit and for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this poem with me. The distinction of your fave is held in deepest appreciation. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan
Date: 6/21/2024 8:48:00 AM
First place destined! The way you weave contempt through out is some what subtle but also screams... how boggling! I was able to stand inside this space and feel it which is mastery! I love every jot and tittle!! <3 xo
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/23/2024 9:48:00 AM
Dear Crystol, soulful poetess and friend, you feel my words and for that I'm truly grateful. Thank you for standing inside this gun shop space and sharing in the emotions and imageries of this piece with me. I cherish your inspiring comments and your amazing poetry. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan
Date: 6/17/2024 3:20:00 PM
Dearest Susan, I read your captivating poem many times before attempting to write a comment. Loved the experiment in the form - it suits your topic - to me, as would nothing else. Congratulations on your trophy-win with this masterful creation of poetic artistry. A powerful poem of classic quality...Susan, you never fail to amaze us ! Love and blessings, Dear Poetess-friend!
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/23/2024 9:02:00 AM
Dearest Mala, gifted poetess and sweet friend, I cherish your beautiful comments and appreciate your heartwarming congrats. Your poetic spirit shines upon my poem and my heart like the white rays of a June dawn. Thank you, my dear friend, for your gracious visit and inspiration. Warmest wishes with love.. ~Susan
Date: 6/4/2024 10:06:00 PM
Wow. Wow. You are the shy gun's whisperer. That junkyard dog has ravaged our society. The American buffalo can attest. Visually stunning. A blast to read. Bravo.
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/7/2024 6:37:00 PM
Dear Triny, indeed the prolific use of guns against ordinary citizens has ravaged our society, and yes it was a dirty damn shame how guns were used against Native Americans and the American buffalo. Thank you for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this poem with me. It’s a blast to receive your comments! Your thoughts are treasured, my friend. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan
Date: 6/2/2024 7:28:00 PM
Fine poetry, Susan. ~ Gun-shy Gershon
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/3/2024 11:33:00 AM
Dear Gun-shy Gershon, lol, your visit is a delight. Thank you for your wonderful words that brighten my day. Warmest wishes my friend.. ~Susan
Date: 5/31/2024 9:52:00 AM
Congratulations on your win. I enjoyed reading your powerful write. Have A Great/Blessed Day With Your Wonderful Win.............
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/1/2024 7:17:00 AM
Thank you, Paula, for your gracious visit and kind congrats. I'm so glad to know you enjoyed my poem. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan
Date: 5/30/2024 1:41:00 PM
I enjoyed reading and rereading this 'experimental' poem, Susan. You know me...how I love searching between the lines to find what ingredients you made use of...and there are plenty of those! Of course, the subject matter takes pride of place here...the fine line between life & death --> a gun shot! Congratulations on a most merited win + one more trophy in the showcase :) Warm regards & hugs my friend. // paul
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Susan Ashley
Date: 5/31/2024 7:31:00 AM
Dear Paul, it's so wonderful to see you! Indeed, I always appreciate the time you take to search the verse for the subtle use of shades, nuances and tricks of the poetic trade. Your discerning eyes never fail you and those of us fortunate to receive your encouraging critiques are made better poets for it. Thank you, Paul, for your wonderful visit and kind congrats. Your shining friendship and rich poetry is held in my highest esteem always. I'm so very pleased to know you enjoyed my 'experimental' poem :) Warmest wishes and hugs my inspiring friend.. ~Susan
Date: 5/30/2024 10:31:00 AM
This was very powerful... Ann
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Susan Ashley
Date: 5/31/2024 7:17:00 AM
Dear Ann, thank you for your gracious visit and encouraging comment. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan
Date: 5/28/2024 10:06:00 AM
My Dearest Rhyme Time Friend, congratulations on your 40th trophy win with this powerfully delivered work of poetic artistry! The comparison of the two trophies now hanging on the wall is startling with the emotions of life and death reverberating through each poetically crafted line. Indeed there is a numbness in both the buck and the gun. This poem is as classic as the works of the poetry masters and has that lasting quality for the ages, dear poetry sis! Sending you blessings of light. Off to read The Quilt.
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/1/2024 7:29:00 AM
My Dearest Rhyme Time Friend, it's so gratifying to receive your insightful and eloquent comments. Indeed, though the gun seems a monster too, it's just as lifeless as the heads and hides hung on the wall... the gun having no choice in the bidding of the human holding it, firing it, only to be hung, too, on the wall in the end. I'm humbled and honored by your wonderful response to this piece. Your comments are as treasured as precious gems! Both your friendship and your kind congrats are truly appreciated. Thank you my dear poetry sis! I hope you liked The Quilt. Warmest wishes sent on June's breezy sway.. ~Susan
Date: 5/28/2024 9:26:00 AM
Congratulations on your 40th Trophy, Susan! Yes, I counted them ahaha. A taxidermist's dream, a hunter's world, an animal's demise, the gun. I just read The Quilt, and see one of the poetic devise's you have used, The Gun. I love everything about your poem, the story, the imagery, it made me angry, the irony, I laughed derisively, and the ending summed up the message with a flair! Love it
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/1/2024 7:40:00 AM
Dear Anaya, I giggled at " Yes, I counted them ahaha." Your comment/replies always make me smile and I relish the spirit of your poetic pen and intellect. I revel in your heartfelt response to this poem, that your felt anger, irony and scorn. Thank you for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this piece with me... and for counting trophies haha! Your poetic friendship and poetic talent shines as brightly as the June sun. Warmest wishes my sweet friend.. ~Susan p.s. how did you like The Quilt?
Date: 5/27/2024 10:37:00 PM
What a wonderful successful experiment. I enjoyed the eight syllable blank verse which gave the poem flow. Oh how I loved that sarcastic ending. Congratulations.
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/1/2024 7:45:00 AM
Dear Sean, I revel in your response to my poem. Your comments are truly uplifting. Thank you for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this piece with me. I'm so glad to know the sarcasm came through in the end, I hoped the tone wouldn't get watered down in words. Your gracious visit is appreciated as are your kind congrats. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan
Date: 5/27/2024 6:12:00 PM
Powerful writing, really had me.... your work is an art itself- enjoyed reading <3
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/1/2024 7:50:00 AM
Dear Paige, I relish your response to my poem. I'm so glad to know that this piece reached you deeply and that you enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing in the emotions of this poem and for sharing your esteemed thoughts with me. Warmest wishes to you, my inspiring and gifted poetess friend.. ~Susan
Date: 5/27/2024 4:38:00 PM
Another Trophy win for another unique and exquisite poem, Susan. I like poetry that is unique like this one; I'll have to read "The Quilt". Thanks for sharing your thoughts through your amazing poetry, my dear friend. Hugs, Bill
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/1/2024 7:53:00 AM
Dear Bill, thank you for recognizing the unique nature of this poem. I appreciate both your gracious visit and your kindness. Your wonderful thoughts are truly valued, as is your poetry friendship. Warmest wishes, my inspiring friend.. ~Susan
Date: 5/27/2024 11:29:00 AM
So easy sitting behind the sight waiting for the unsuspecting animal to come into view. Never understood why they call it, trophy hunting. Great win, deserved.
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/1/2024 7:55:00 AM
Dear Paul, I couldn't agree more! Thank you for your wonderful visit and insightful comments. I relish both. So glad you shared in the emotions and imagery of this piece with me. Warmest wishes my poet friend.. ~Susan
Date: 5/27/2024 9:54:00 AM
Susan, I love the form you have used for this very expressive poem that combines so many poetic devices. Congratulations on your #1 spot! I'm off to read The Quilt now. ;) :)
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/1/2024 8:34:00 AM
Dear Linda, it's a pleasure to see you! I relish your poetic presence gracing my poem's page. Thank you for your wonderful comments and heartwarming congrats. I'm so glad you enjoyed my poem and I hope you enjoyed The Quilt as well. Warmest wishes my inspiring friend.. ~Susan
Date: 5/27/2024 7:49:00 AM
beautiful write - a pleasure to read
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/1/2024 7:42:00 AM
Dear Mat, thank you for your gracious visit and for sharing your uplifting thoughts with me. I'm glad you found my poem a pleasure to read. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan
Date: 5/27/2024 6:59:00 AM
This is a lovely poem, Susan. Its metaphors, alliteration and personification are on point. I didn't grow up on a farm nor was I raised in the countryside so I don't know much about hunting. Thank you for this expository piece. A well-deserved win. Congratulations.
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/1/2024 8:36:00 AM
Dear Thompson, I relish your wonderful response to my poem. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this piece with me. Your gracious visit and kind congrats are both appreciated. Warmest wishes.. ~Susan
Date: 5/27/2024 6:01:00 AM
I think we all knew this was a winner! Congrats
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Susan Ashley
Date: 5/31/2024 8:04:00 AM
Dear Tom, your return visit with warm words of congrats is gratifying and truly appreciated. Thank you my inspiring friend. Warmest wishes.. ~Suze
Date: 5/27/2024 4:31:00 AM
susan, this was a stand-out 1st place poem, where do i start? spot-on wording in every line, great imagery, subtle alliteration, atmospheric and hard hitting..i know abigail parry's poem 'the quilt' and yes it's a good one, but i think yours is even better! it's an interesting format, i might try one myself, is it 8 syllables in each stanza? anyway, congrats on a well deserved 1st place!
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Susan Ashley
Date: 5/27/2024 10:16:00 AM
Dear Charlotte, I'm elated to receive your amazing critique and kind congrats. Thank you for the honor of my poem's placement in your prestigious contest. I'm humbled by the talent of the other poets that made your final list. It's a pleasure to share the podium with such gifted poets. Yes, The Quilt features 8 syllables lines, except for one 16 syllable line for emotional, sarcastic impact, and also her final line that features 6 syllables. It's an amazing format that your gifted pen might relish and revel in. Warmest wishes, dear poetess.. ~Susan
Date: 5/27/2024 2:36:00 AM
In Malta, there are more guns than birds and though there are laws that restrict the hunting season, they are always broken. Life is sacred. A great write with imagery and alliteration.
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Susan Ashley
Date: 6/1/2024 8:38:00 AM
Dear Victor, it such a shame that there are more guns than people in Malta, it is this way in the US as well. Thank you for sharing in the emotions and imagery of this poem with me.. your golden thoughts are truly valued. Warmest wishes my poet friend.. ~Susan
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