My Insides Feel Damaged

My insides feel damaged, like someone is squeezing them with their fists. Many seasons, many reasons. Why do I do such things? I wish I could answer you my dear, give you the best me, but I can’t seem to see through the thick clouds surrounding me. I sit in the sky, I look down and see how much hurt I have caused to you and my family. I do not pretend it is not there, or that I don’t care. It is just too hard to accept, accept the truth, that I am a beautiful mess, a puzzle not put together, a little girl in a big scary world, always feeling stress. I feel lost and alone, so much pain inside, it never resides except in a few special moments. Most of them with you. Writing my words on paper helps the pain flow out in ink and tears falling on my desk. I wish these demons would rest and give me a break from the hell, the stress, so I can stop doing things that hurt the one person that floats in the sky with me, never letting me fall down to the ground from the heavy weight on my back, wanting me to dive down without a parachute, without anything stopping me from hitting hard into the earth’s dirt, no longer soft, no longer filled with beautiful flowers and green grass. It is only dark, black soil, filled with rocks and stones. Why do I always feel so alone? I wish it would go away, please let it go away. I don’t want to leave this earth before my time, before I fly, before I make more memories with you and I. My one true love, the only one I have ever loved so deeply. I am very sorry, so sorry my heart aches, that I have hurt you again. I wish I could stop, I wish so many things, but I don’t know if my wishes will come true. The one thing I know for sure, without a doubt in the world, is that I love you with every ounce of light in my soul. Without you, I would plummet to the ground, broken bones and blood gushing from my body into a pool of red on the blackness underneath me. I love you, that is all I know. I hope you can feel it even when it is covered over by the darkness that always follows me follows me wherever I go.