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MISTAKEN THAT YOU LOVED ME

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'My' biggest mistake was being born a girl I was never going to meet your expectations for you wanted a Son and you got me ...mum said to you ‘I was the next best thing’ That’s maybe why you treated me and my sister Anne so differently - she was like a princess Kept by you and mum, never having to work Even now she treats me like a second class citizen BUT Now you are no longer here I am finally free from the past There are no words to express my Heartfelt sorrow at the way you treated me All I wanted was to be loved by you but That love was never ever there for me You never acknowledged anything I achieved Or the fact I gave you your only grandchild Unwanted unloved that’s how I was made to feel by you Looking back over my life has been difficult Only recently I discovered the full extent of the Variance between the way you treated us both during your lifetime Except one thing you could never take away from me was my Determination to stand on my own two feet and be my own person Maybe life could have been different if you’d got the son you wanted BUT Everything I have I worked for and I am proud of who I am My Biggest Mistake Contest sponsored by Laura Loo This is probably the most personal poem I have ever written but it has been so cathartic to finally put this down on paper and put my ghost to bed. Maybe in time I will finally grieve for my father, but I have been told by Hospice that this could take many years. 07~04~16

Copyright © | Year Posted 2016




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Date: 7/18/2016 2:53:00 PM
Hello my dear Jan. I stopped by to read and seen this heartfelt poem and had to comment to you. I understand where you are coming from and how deep a person can be hurt by those they love. A great write to healing girl. Sending you much love.
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Date: 7/11/2016 6:38:00 AM
Way to go, Jan, you are currently in posession of all that really matters. Viv x
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/11/2016 4:18:00 PM
I have my mum, son and hubby and my health and for those reasons I am truly blessed:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 7/9/2016 12:55:00 AM
I knew it was personal the moment I started reading and I'm proud that you let 'it' flow so therapeutically in your sensational write. Shame on him, it had nothing to do with you. Shine on, Jan. It breaks my heart that you endured this, but maybe you wouldn't be such a dear woman had it gone differently. Your Dad's way were definitely a major ingredient in the Jan recipe. Again, sensational outpouring ... CayCay
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/9/2016 3:19:00 PM
Thanks CayCay this is the most personal poem I have ever written and gee it was cathartic to get it down on paper:-) I am far better off in so many ways than my sister - i have had to work for everything we have and am a much stronger person as a result:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 7/8/2016 8:58:00 AM
Jan, this made me so sad. The fact that you said this was your most personal poem ever written makes my heart smile. I am so sorry you feel this way, it seems that you are growing and learning. You are a true survivor with a true gift of a mum and a son. Be blessed lady...congrats on your placement and thank you for being a part of my contest :)-luloo
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/9/2016 3:21:00 PM
Thanks LuLoo from a personal poing its is the hardest poem I have ever written but I am a much stronger person as a result - i am so much closer to mum now which is a blessing:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 7/6/2016 4:46:00 PM
Jan, you are a HUGE success in your life and your father was a complete idiot never to recognize what he had in you. meanwhile, your evil sister got so much more. This sadly is how life goes. But you know what they say about this stuff: Living well is the best revenge. Anyway, you are loved, my friend and you just keep getting better and better!! GREAT idea for your poem. (mine was too personal too but i toned it way down by using the limiting sonnet form)
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/6/2016 5:05:00 PM
aww thanks Andrea I know writing has been the best thing ever I have done - mum is so proud of me with my writing and also with appearing on stage which makes me happy:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 7/5/2016 8:54:00 PM
My sweet friend a very heartfelt poem, it will be a healing now . Love Eve a winner already
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/6/2016 2:10:00 AM
It is probably the hardest poem I've ever written it certainly is the most personal. it was so cathartic to write it:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 7/5/2016 2:05:00 PM
Oh dear Jan .This misted my eyes ..it hurts so much because I can relate to your poem for different issues in my case, not because He wanted a son, but because dad got ill with a deep depression.Depression stole my dad and put him in a cocoon, a world of his own. I was seven when He got ill.Since then I felt fatherless and unloved.He still didnt changer after so many years..but like you I am proud to say,I made a life for myself,and I do my best to offer all the security I never had.A fave, Hugs
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/5/2016 3:01:00 PM
I can relate so much Charma especially regarding your own daughter - that is why I am so so so proud of my son and his achievements as it is something I never had as a child - mum now tells me how proud she is of me with my poetry which is really nice:-) hugs Jan xx
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Charmaine Chircop
Date: 7/5/2016 2:06:00 PM
The security to my child I mean dear
Date: 7/5/2016 1:42:00 PM
One thing I've learned in life is that every functional family has a degree of dysfunctionality. As a father of two daughters I never want them to feel I wanted a boy. I never did, I just wanted healthy kids, although they have turned out slightly tom boyish in pink. Maybe we are in a generation now that express our feelings better because my wife's father sounds a lot like yours
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/5/2016 2:56:00 PM
It saddens me that even in my mother's eyes I was 'the next best thing' rather than being loved for who i was - we can choose our friends not our families:-( hugs jan xx
Date: 7/5/2016 1:09:00 PM
- Difficult to express in words, all the emotions dear Jan - All thoughts and feelings that arise in you while you are typing - But still a process "to stand on my own two feet and be my own person" - Very well written, a great poem - hugs // Anne-Lise :)
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/5/2016 2:51:00 PM
Thanks Anne Lise it has been very cathartic writing this poem:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 7/5/2016 8:05:00 AM
A parent to commit such an atrocious crime is unforgivable by all but God! I am very sorry you had to be through this! A very powerful poem that certainly brings catharsis to one's soul! A seven, ear, Jan and many, many hugs! That's my girl!
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/5/2016 8:56:00 AM
It has given me closure writing the poem Demetrios. I am glad John could relate to my words - it's something I lived with for many many years but I am a stronger person as a result of having to work for everything we have and not have it handed to me on a plate:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 7/5/2016 7:43:00 AM
Wow...hugs... You are strong and awesome.
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/5/2016 8:41:00 AM
It was a tough poem to write Cas its been written recently in various forms but this poem lays the ghost to rest - I wouldn't be who I am now without the life experiences I've had and the last 3 yrs especially have given me an inner strenght - it makes me sad that we were treated so differently BUT I wouldn't change places with my sister for the world in fact I pity her:-) hugs Jan xx
Date: 7/5/2016 4:08:00 AM
Oh Jan, I have tears. Give us a hug...
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/5/2016 6:18:00 AM
I have no tears Jean it saddens me that we were treated so verydifferently - my sister had a private education at Norland for her nursery nursing - i did the same course but at the local tech, they brought her a house, car, gave her money... shes not worked in over 30 years ...everything I have was brought and paid for by me and my hubby and we are far better off for having to work for it rather than have everything handed to you on a plate:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 7/5/2016 1:59:00 AM
Deep personal and sad but well written acrostic, Jan:) God loves us as we are:) So be proud to be a girl:)
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/5/2016 2:52:00 AM
It saddens me that I never had a good relationship with my father but I am happy with who I am and what i have achieved in life without it being given to me by my parents as my sister has - I know who is the happiest and most successful... and it's not her!:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 7/4/2016 8:21:00 PM
Very moving, personal, heartfelt poem Jan; must have been difficult but therapeutic at the same time to write! Good luck in the contest! Hugs- Che
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/5/2016 2:09:00 AM
It's probably the most personal poem I have ever written Cheryl. Having read John's comments I know other people can relate to my experience and that helps ease the pain:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 7/4/2016 6:29:00 PM
What a moving poem Jan...an amazing acrostic too! I understand completely your feelings, I am a son, but still unloved and unwanted by my father. He is dying and I don't feel anything. So no guarantees, if the father is unloving doesn't matter the sex of the child. Btw I got my first order from a cancer hospital for the cancer poem you inspired, thanks again.A7
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/5/2016 2:07:00 AM
My father died in Feb 2015 I have not grieved I don't think my mum has either. I'm delighted about your cancer poem - do keep me updated:-) hugs jan xx
Date: 7/4/2016 6:14:00 PM
This is so sad Jan. I see a great determined person in you. However difficult your life has been it has made you into the person you are today.
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/4/2016 6:20:00 PM
Lets just say I wouldn't swap places with my sister for the world - I have made my own way and I wouldn't change anything it just saddens me that two children could live such parallel lives. :-) hugs jan xx
Date: 7/4/2016 6:08:00 PM
Hi Jan, You have penned such a deep emotional acrostic. I know writing this piece was extremely diffult, but as you know writing can be so therapeutic. I hope it was for you too my friend and that you can begin to grieve. Well done, this share of the heart should do well in the contest .A huge seven:-) Alexis
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JAN ALLISON
Date: 7/4/2016 6:16:00 PM
Thanks Alexis :-) Emotionally It is probably the hardest poem I have ever written, mum and I have talked at length since my father died but I have yet to shed a tear - I did become closer to my father in his final year, but the most tactful thing would be to say he was incredibly nasty to me and my family in his final weeks and yet i still tried to please him right up to the end :-) Makes me appreciate how important the relationship i have with my son is:-):-) and he is amazing:-) hugs jan xx