From My Diary: Sadness
Dear Diary, 10/30/17
My heart s h a t t e r e d into a million pieces today.
My sweet Johnathon was only one week old
and I held him as he took his LAST BREATH.
No words I spoke, just tears I wept.
Remember when I told you about the brain
tumor he had? Well, it s p r e a d to his spine and
there was nothing anyone could do.
Did I do something wrong during my pregnancy?
Was I to blame?
I NEVER knew love until I held him,
I NEVER knew anguish until he died.
I sat by the hospital room sill staring out the pane.
I saw a couple from the maternity ward.
The woman I saw gave birth in the room next to mine.
I remember hearing her baby crying as
I was in e x c r u c i a t i n g pain.
I remember all the cheering of their
family after their baby was born.
I had no one here to comfort me.
Ever since Nicholas LEFT ME nine months ago,
I’ve been s e a r c h i n g for reasons to
wake up in the morning.
My entry from two months ago kind of
explained that I was searching for my long-lost parents.
I am an orphan, as you already know.
Why would they s u r r e n d e r me to the
Child Protective Services?
They were married and DIDN'T EVEN WANT ME.
Why couldn’t they give me up for adoption?
This is probably why I have so much
trouble t r u s t i n g others.
So, I sit here tonight...
my body a c h i n g from a cesarean
section and taking too many PAIN killers.
Every s t i t c h on my womb will remind
me of my Johnathon.
Every scar is a lonely s u t u r e leading
into an even lonelier future.
Oh Diary, PLEASE FORGIVE ME
for what I am about to do.
The pain is u n b e a r a b l e.
I have no one to soothe my sadness or hold
me during these upcoming cold winter nights.
If you ever read this entry Nicholas,
may you ALWAYS know how much I loved you.
I am sorry for any pain I caused. I know
I was a b e a u t i f u l mess at times.
So frustrating and confusing to deal with.
This life is too much for me and I am doing
what I feel is necessary.
MY ONLY NEED now is to be in heaven
with our sweet boy.
Goodbye world, this will be my final entry.
MAY I REST IN ETERNAL PEACE.
Love,
me
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October 30, 2017
Copyright © Lu Loo | Year Posted 2017
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