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From My Diary: Sadness

Dear Diary, 10/30/17 My heart s h a t t e r e d into a million pieces today. My sweet Johnathon was only one week old and I held him as he took his LAST BREATH. No words I spoke, just tears I wept. Remember when I told you about the brain tumor he had? Well, it s p r e a d to his spine and there was nothing anyone could do. Did I do something wrong during my pregnancy? Was I to blame? I NEVER knew love until I held him, I NEVER knew anguish until he died. I sat by the hospital room sill staring out the pane. I saw a couple from the maternity ward. The woman I saw gave birth in the room next to mine. I remember hearing her baby crying as I was in e x c r u c i a t i n g pain. I remember all the cheering of their family after their baby was born. I had no one here to comfort me. Ever since Nicholas LEFT ME nine months ago, I’ve been s e a r c h i n g for reasons to wake up in the morning. My entry from two months ago kind of explained that I was searching for my long-lost parents. I am an orphan, as you already know. Why would they s u r r e n d e r me to the Child Protective Services? They were married and DIDN'T EVEN WANT ME. Why couldn’t they give me up for adoption? This is probably why I have so much trouble t r u s t i n g others. So, I sit here tonight... my body a c h i n g from a cesarean section and taking too many PAIN killers. Every s t i t c h on my womb will remind me of my Johnathon. Every scar is a lonely s u t u r e leading into an even lonelier future. Oh Diary, PLEASE FORGIVE ME for what I am about to do. The pain is u n b e a r a b l e. I have no one to soothe my sadness or hold me during these upcoming cold winter nights. If you ever read this entry Nicholas, may you ALWAYS know how much I loved you. I am sorry for any pain I caused. I know I was a b e a u t i f u l mess at times. So frustrating and confusing to deal with. This life is too much for me and I am doing what I feel is necessary. MY ONLY NEED now is to be in heaven with our sweet boy. Goodbye world, this will be my final entry. MAY I REST IN ETERNAL PEACE. Love, me Enter A Poem Called, From My Diary - Poetry Contest Sponsor, Broken Wings October 30, 2017