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Dear Diary,                                      10/30/17

My heart   s h a t t e r e d   into a million pieces today. 
My sweet Johnathon was only one week old 
and I held him as he took his LAST BREATH.  
No words I spoke, just tears I wept. 
Remember when I told you about the brain 
tumor he had? Well, it  s p r e a d  to his spine and 
there was nothing anyone could do. 
Did I do something wrong during my pregnancy? 
Was I to blame? 
I         NEVER         knew love until I held him, 
    I           NEVER       knew anguish until he died. 

I sat by the hospital room sill staring out the pane. 
I saw a couple from the maternity ward. 
The woman I saw gave birth in the room next to mine. 
I remember hearing her baby crying as 
I was in  e x c r u c i a t i n g  pain.
I remember all the cheering of their 
family after their baby was born. 
I had no one here to comfort me. 
Ever since Nicholas LEFT ME nine months ago, 
I’ve been  s e a r c h i n g  for reasons to 
wake up in the morning. 
 
My entry from two months ago kind of 
explained that I was searching for my long-lost parents. 
I am an orphan, as you already know. 
Why would they  s u r r e n d e r  me to the 
Child Protective Services? 
They were married and DIDN'T EVEN WANT ME. 
Why couldn’t they give me up for adoption? 
This is probably why I have so much 
trouble  t r u s t i n g  others. 

So, I sit here tonight...
my body  a c h i n g  from a cesarean 
section and taking too many PAIN killers. 
Every  s t i t c h  on my womb will remind 
me of my Johnathon. 
Every scar is a lonely  s u t u r e  leading 
into an even lonelier future. 

Oh Diary,      PLEASE     FORGIVE      ME
for what I am about to do. 
The pain is  u n b e a r a b l e. 
I have no one to soothe my sadness or hold 
me during these upcoming cold winter nights. 

If you ever read this entry Nicholas, 
may you ALWAYS know how much I loved you. 
I am sorry for any pain I caused. I know 
I was a  b e a u t i f u l  mess at times. 
So frustrating and confusing to deal with. 
This life is too much for me and I am doing 
what I feel is necessary. 
MY ONLY NEED now is to be in heaven 
with our sweet boy. 
Goodbye world, this will be my final entry. 

    MAY      I        REST       IN        ETERNAL     PEACE.

Love, 
me 


Enter A Poem Called, From My Diary - Poetry Contest
Sponsor, Broken Wings
October 30, 2017
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