Famous Fart Poems by Famous Poets

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...At 1:30 in the morning a fart 
smells like a marriage between
an avocado and a fish head.

I have to get out of bed
to write this down without
my glasses on....Read more of this...

...ere spinning like wheels

in the sea.










 THE LAST YEAR THE TROUT

 CAME UP HAYMAN CREEK







Gone now the old fart. Hayman Creek was named for

Charles Hayman, a sort of half-assed pioneer in a country

that not many wanted to live in because it was poor and ugly

and horrible, He built a shack, this was in 1876, on a little

creek that drained a worthless hill. After a while the creek

was called Hayman Creek.

 Mr. Hayman did not know how to read or write and cons...Read more of this...

...rvily, than stinke: 
But 'tis your choyce, whether you'll Read, or noe, 
If likewise of your smelling it were soe, 
I'd Fart just as I write, for my owne ease, 
Nor shou'd you be concern'd, unlesse you please: 
I'll owne, that you write better than I doe, 
But I have as much need to write, as you. 
What though the Excrement of my dull Braine,

Runns in a harsh, insipid Straine, 
Whilst your rich Head, eases it self of Witt? 
Must none but Civet-Catts, have leave to ****? 
In ...Read more of this...

...rning the Pope and his nephew, *****.

Tom Killigrew's wife, that Holland fine flower,
At the sight of this signior did fart and belch sour,
And her Dutch breeding the further to show,
Says, 'Welcome to England, Mynheer Van *****.'

He civilly came to the Cockpit one night,
And proferred his service to fair Madam Knight.
Quoth she, 'I intrigue with Captain Cazzo;
Your nose in mine ****, good Signior *****.'

This signior is sound, safe, ready, and dumb
As ever was candle, car...Read more of this...

...here as that any *garnard tapstere* was. *licentious barmaid*
But sooth to say he was somedeal squaimous* *squeamish
Of farting, and of speeche dangerous.
This Absolon, that jolly was and gay,
Went with a censer on the holy day,
Censing* the wives of the parish fast; *burning incense for
And many a lovely look he on them cast,
And namely* on this carpenter's wife: *especially
To look on her him thought a merry life.
She was so proper, and sweet, and likerous.
I dare well say,...Read more of this...

...ks,—
The largest contributors came
 From the town's biggest crooks.

In Saginaw, in Saginaw,
 There's never a household fart,
For if it did occur,
 It would blow the place apart,—
I met a woman who could break wind
 And she is my sweet-heart.

O, I'm the genius of the world,—
 Of that you can be sure,
But alas, alack, and me achin' back,
 I'm often a drunken boor;
But when I die—and that won't be soon—
 I'll sing with dear Tom Moore,
 With that lovely man, Tom Moore.

Coda:

...Read more of this...

...four and twenty groats;
And give that friar a penny, and let him go!
Nay, nay, Thomas, it may no thing be so.
What is a farthing worth parted on twelve?
Lo, each thing that is oned* in himselve *made one, united
Is more strong than when it is y-scatter'd.
Thomas, of me thou shalt not be y-flatter'd,
Thou wouldest have our labour all for nought.
The highe God, that all this world hath wrought,
Saith, that the workman worthy is his hire
Thomas, nought of your treasure I desire
...Read more of this...

...ate in front of them.

If they are grotesque, if
what they say and do is often nothing more
than a kind of psychopathic fart,

it is only because of the tractors,
the tractors in their blood,
revving their engines, chewing up the turf
inside their arteries and veins
It is the testosterone tractor

constantly climbing the mudhill of the world
and dragging the young man behind it
by a chain around his leg.
In the stink and the noise, in the clouds
of filthy exhaust

is where th...Read more of this...

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