Poetry Forum

junkycosmonaut - all messages by user

2/18/2019 10:42:47 AM
looking for honest criticism on short poem	You've driven me quite mad Love that I've had For many years over I still feel the fears of an Unquelled baby Longing for its mother With similar dependency, I cry for you in the dark I've still not learned to soothe myself to sleep edited by junkycosmonaut on 2/18/2019
2/21/2019 9:25:09 AM
More Than This WIP	An ache deeper than pain Jealousy. Damn the one who tempted me You're irresistible Dissolve in the acid bath, and Appear to me as an apparition Panic as my flesh melts at the sight of you I've never seen your eyes quite wide As mine roll from their sockets, descending to the tiled floor, Joining the collection of my bones, bones and guts and eyes galore I knew you wanted more than this I knew you wanted more than this edited by junkycosmonaut on 2/21/2019
2/22/2019 1:04:00 PM
Please examine my poem	I would consider playing with the format on this one - I can see you're expecting this to be read with a certain rhythm, and having breaks in the text could benefit this in that endeavor. If that's not really your style, - I know everyone hates the Oxford Comma - I would consider placing commas before the third item in the lists ie: edit - I dwell on my essence, purpose and wins vs. I dwell on my essence, purpose, and wins Creating the break using punctuation only aids the rhythm of the poem in my personal opinion. Also, I am personally a fan of this for formatting, but maybe leave the question, "Are our stories of conquests, tempests, and wins?" as a stand-alone stanza to focalize this in the poem - ex : ... Question is, "Are our stories of conquests, tempests, and wins?" Or is everything just a map pointed with pins Paints of our stories, the drawings Etc. Etc. Also just double check and revise for grammatical errors you may have missed - I am VERY guilty of writing near gibberish because my creative flow is moving faster than I can write. It's okay to take a step back, read aloud, and revise. Hope this was helpful! Keep up the good writing
2/22/2019 1:09:15 PM
More Than This WIP	You're insight is much appreciated! Thank you for taking the time to thoughtfully respond to my work. I've seen your detailed comments on other posts, and I was secretly hoping you'd make your way to mine, haha. Thank you, again! superlativedeleted wrote: Wow. Well... The strongest part is the originality of the metaphor, and the originality of using these images to communicate lust, jealousy, desire. Another strength is your lack of hesitancy in exploring visceral images to communicate your theme. If you're not already familiar with her, you might enjoy Ai's poetry. Another strength is that you don't only rely on images, but the kinesthetic sense. in fact your images seem to be diving boards to jump into the pool of kinesthetic sensation, which is a great approach. The ambivalence of the temptation, and the jealousy adds some nice layers to it. Though, i think there needs to me more clarity between the jealousy and the lusting for something that cant be had. There is definitely a haunted quality about the poem, as if it were written by the ghost of one of Jeffrey Dahmer's victims. I think it could do with some editing or reorganizing lines maybe, something to tighten it up.
2/22/2019 1:53:21 PM
More Than This WIP	Also, I love Ai! Such high praise.
3/8/2019 2:26:37 PM
Hello, World!	Hello all, I have been writing on here for almost a month, but I figured I'd introduce myself! I'm not sure how people go about this sort of thing, so I'll start with why I'm here. I put down the pencil a long time ago. Why? I do not know. Cleaning my room, I found an old journal filled with work I was once proud of - obsessed with. I realized I'd been unconsciously denying myself one of the simplest forms of comfort - poetry. Out of a dark place and memory of the thrill of writing, I began scribbling, and... here I am. Feel free to take a look at my stuff, comment, criticize, dismiss - whatever you like. Thank you for your consideration.
3/15/2019 9:31:13 AM
in search of unrestricted feedback	Luna Soft light of the lamp Caresses the image of two young lovers laid silent Shh Ill would it be to disrupt their quiet intimacy Joined together in mutual hush, For moments of loud passion have finished, leaving them comfortable Knowingly loved, both halves of one whole Silence does not scream as it used to Light does not crisp the skin of the fragile Pupa, swaying in the wind, cocooned in blankets undergoing Metamorphosis: Germinating, together as one beautiful moth Dusted wings and affinity for the light edited by junkycosmonaut on 3/15/2019
2/4/2020 9:27:31 AM
Dreaming Drunk - Please Critique	Dreaming drunk Teeth grind under the weight of Time; An anomalous and vile passage I writhe in my own grime Feverish and mad, I cry to my demons Ask them to remember me Not as the shell to which I’ve been reduced But a spirit, untouched, worth life I have never done it well Every day passes, hurts like hell And I miss the spot in the sky from which I fell And to no avail, I scream out to that sky but Whoever He was has left. edited by junkycosmonaut on 2/4/2020
3/11/2022 7:10:48 PM
Growing Pains	navigating the inexorable loss of innocence is a rite of passage i think i should feel grateful for the secrets kept shrouded in smoke from stolen cigarettes but i shrink in my skin wishing i could tell my mother How much i love her and How scared i really am i apologize to my mother, but she can’t forgive me, and i can’t blame her i crawled into this adolescent chrysalis and emerged the useless woman i promised my father i’d never become i stole their child- or was it Time? add it to the running list of my wrongs, and Run along it does no good to keep one eye over my shoulder when the rest of my life lies ahead of me
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