Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
2/7/2019 11:12:01 AM
Kedar Ingale
Posts: 4
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Nihilist in me
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In back of my mind,I smell on my sins
I dwell on my essence ,purpose and wins
There were ,are and will be kings
In back of their minds ,they too reflect on things.
We all put our story in things,account them to tally with our wins.
Question is , are our stories of conquests,tempests and wins?
Or everything is just a map pointed with pins.
Paints of our stories ,the drawings
Are they some beauty pigeons or balds covered with wigs.
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kedari15
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2/22/2019 1:04:00 PM
Victoria Lucas
Posts: 9
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I would consider playing with the format on this one - I can see you're expecting this to be read with a certain rhythm, and having breaks in the text could benefit this in that endeavor.
If that's not really your style, - I know everyone hates the Oxford Comma - I would consider placing commas before the third item in the lists
ie: edit - I dwell on my essence, purpose and wins
vs.
I dwell on my essence, purpose, and wins
Creating the break using punctuation only aids the rhythm of the poem in my personal opinion. Also, I am personally a fan of this for formatting, but maybe leave the question, "Are our stories of conquests, tempests, and wins?" as a stand-alone stanza to focalize this in the poem -
ex :
...
Question is,
"Are our stories of conquests, tempests, and wins?"
Or is everything just a map pointed with pins
Paints of our stories, the drawings
Etc. Etc.
Also just double check and revise for grammatical errors you may have missed - I am VERY guilty of writing near gibberish because my creative flow is moving faster than I can write. It's okay to take a step back, read aloud, and revise.
Hope this was helpful! Keep up the good writing 
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