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Rebecca Valdivia Poem
I know you see me, but I am blind to you.
Numb to you, because you are just as blind.
I know you feel me, but I cannot touch you.
No reach can pull you closer, because you are not there.
I know you hear me, but I am deaf to your cries.
Nothing desensitizes me more than your anguish.
I know you hold me, but it is no more than the embrace of a ghost.
A ghost of my present, my present existence is a distant memory of the past.
I know you see me. You MUST see me.
If I am not seen by you, I no longer possess myself.
If I no longer possess myself, I have no self.
Without my sense of self, I wither to a pale shell.
This shell is growing cold. Please, show me yourself.
Let me see you. Let me remember what it is like
To no longer be a memory
To no longer be empty
I know you are me, but I am not you.
There is no you.
There is no me.
All that is left is my empty shell that was once filled by a soul.
Mirror, mirror, who is looking at me?
Is it you, woman I used to be?
She has no emotion, she has no air
She has no being, just an empty stare.
She has to go now.
It's only right.
To not have your self, is to lose the fight.
It is to be dead before your heart stops beating.
I am dead inside, cold in my heart
Stuck in a memory, I am a memory
"I" is no longer a truth
Just...an empty word.
Goodbye.
Copyright © Rebecca Valdivia | Year Posted 2017
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Rebecca Valdivia Poem
Coldness is swallowing me, freezing me in time.
This beast inside me is all I can call mine.
All I have left is the thought of your crime.
I've lost my self, my being, my very mind.
It does not hurt and I do not cry.
Instead, I ponder on how I have died.
It was not with love that you said goodbye,
But with lust, and greed, and a hate deep inside.
A hate for the future you gave away
As if you thought you would never pay.
We're just dust in the wind, as they say
But why are these gusts so shallow and grey?
Waves of numbness flush through my veins.
Happiness was foreign to my abused and battered brain.
I thought I'd found joy but have fallen past point of pain.
All along, to you this was a game.
Mother, I no longer feel love for you.
Father, I know you never had a clue.
I am on autopilot, dragging through dull days.
I heard love is forever, but only darkness stays.
Sister, forgive me for my tragic end.
Brother, you are the demon which I am forced to fend.
You don't understand this pit of nothing,
All I needed was to hold on to something.
Flashes of trauma replay in my head
Every morning, every night, even in bed.
To steal my innocence, so much goes unsaid
For now I will just remain undead.
My reflection is a stranger, my movements unreal.
The world appears as paper, waiting to be peeled.
My days are long, lived as a memory of you
Not only emotionally, but physically too.
I am no longer living, what was once "I" is dead
I am a stranger to my body, an alien in my head.
Is this eery death still final although my heart beats?
I believe it is, as I have lost hope for me.
Copyright © Rebecca Valdivia | Year Posted 2017
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Rebecca Valdivia Poem
I remember the dream of who I was,
When I was; Now I feel I don't exist
Not even when I slit my wrist
I am stuck in surrealness,
Surrounded by a script
From which my once loved ones
Read, and search to find me inside
But I am gone.
I am so far away, lost forever inside this shell of a body.
No; it's more than a shell.
This body is my cage.
My cage of fear and a numbing love
17, and this is where I am
Alone, cold, hungry for the basic human instincts that you take for granted
Starved of the feeling of owning your body, your mind, your emotions, your soul
But no one will ever understand
I will always sound like a rambling nutcase, a painfully awkward memory
I will never feel real again, the world will never feel like home
What I lost is something that I can't get back.
I lost my self, and for 5 years I have been empty
Emptiness is all I know now
And there is no way for me to explain the deep, terrifying hole my sense of existence has fallen into
All I can do is type on my keyboard, a letter to a stranger, in the hopes of someone understanding what I mean
I am no longer real in my own perception.
I have no interests, disinterests, I have no ownership of my self
You are not real, the world is not real, your words are scripted and off-key
And mine are too, so let's be friends.
Copyright © Rebecca Valdivia | Year Posted 2017
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