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Phil Dopson Poem
The drug
Everything is gone I’ve thrown it all away
Was I happy anyway
With all this emotions all That I feel
Is it me is it real
Or is this just the drug I feel
All of my family all of my friends
All pushed away
No more to depend
are these feelings real
or am I really ill
Or is this just the drug I feel
I’ll check the bank one last time
See if there is enough maybe another line
How could you believe that this would all be fine
Always chasing the thrill
Or is this just the drug I feel
Why do I sit in pain and fear
Drowning in this flood of tears
You chose your road
And you rode it well
You didn’t jump off
Even when you arrived here in hell
It came and took all there was to steal
Or is this just a drug I feel
I sit here now waiting for that high
Don’t believe a word of it you’re just gonna cry
Emotions will flood you like a huge wave
They’ll be strong the same as your overpowering crave
Are these my feelings still
Or is this just the drug I feel
How much longer can i go
I’m afraid I really don’t know
But if this is really just the drug I feel
Them I’m sure one day it will kill
Copyright © Phil Dopson | Year Posted 2020
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Phil Dopson Poem
life sentence
I can’t go on with my life in addiction
How can I ever have any kind of relations
A week a month a year
I really have no idea
It’s all the not knowing
That’s stops life growling
You build it all up
begin to restore
All the love and respect
from your family once more
There’s is no sane or sensible explanation
Just another day when
Your living in addiction
I can not promise
I can give no guarantee
all your worries and fear
I can never remove or relieve
No one can live with that uncertainty
No faith and stability
Chance after chance you gave to me
I was so blind I just didn’t see
I was killing all you had inside for me
The saddest thing about addiction
Is all your loved ones get caught in your affliction
Most of me can be heeled
addiction though can’t be killed
So what ever Treatment I decide
addiction will forever be right by my side
Copyright © Phil Dopson | Year Posted 2020
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Phil Dopson Poem
White nights
Another night so dark and bleak
How did I become so weak
Here I’ll lay this is it
My cold dark lonely pit
Because over me it still has power
this so very destructive white fluffy powder
I feel there’s no hope
I’m struggling to cope
I feel so trapped
Now that I’ve relapsed
I so wanted to conquer
Reclaim some honour
But you succumbed to the call
Where so many of us fall
That dark blank spot we have to thank
You have no memory of
That moment you sank
What’s next for me
where do I go
Do I move on and rise once more
Or do I stay here dying for sure
I know what to do I even know how
Lift your head up and take a bow
Ive listened to the words I’ve heard all the advice
It’s all so simple and so concise
Is it the drugs that made me a slave
Or is it actually the self pity I crave
I don’t really care I just want some relief
I seemed to have lost all my belief
I keep going over and over again
Looking I think for a reason a blame
But I think it’s so clear to see that the blame lays here with me
So shrouded in sadness
And sinking in madness
I know that I have to pull myself free
From all of this crippling misery
So if you stumble and stall
Don’t stay where you fall
New foundations you have to build
Only then will your pain be healed
Copyright © Phil Dopson | Year Posted 2020
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Phil Dopson Poem
Addiction
—————
Adheres to you
No release
Dictates to you
Orders you
Destroys you
Inch by inch
Infestation for you
Touching all
Controls you
Completely
Tortures you
Internally
Incites you
Directs you
Offends you
Disgust you
Numbs you
Anaesthetise
Addiction
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Copyright © Phil Dopson | Year Posted 2020
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Phil Dopson Poem
I fell so hard
Oh my boys I beg you all
Please don’t make my mistake don’t follow my fall
I fell so hard it smashed me to bits
I don’t think you will
I don’t think my shoes fit
As I sit here now full of sorrow and regrets
I know now I’ll. never have your respect
I hope and pray to the Lord above
That somewhere inside you can still find a little love
My dad was never the man I wanted him to be
Now I’ve done the same I’ve failed miserably
So Reece Ryan Callum and Ross
You’re all so much stronger than I ever was
You’ve all flown the nest and. Building your own families
So cherish every moment and don’t waste them like me
I don’t know what’s wrong with me
I’m just ed up a
sad sight to see
If I ever get better and sort myself out
I hope you’ll let me build trust and Rid you of doubt
But for that to happen I’ll have to get stronger and try to be brave
And then maybe I can rid me of this destructive that my body craves
I could never foresee the destruction this would bring
I am so sorry for everything
Copyright © Phil Dopson | Year Posted 2020
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Phil Dopson Poem
If only I’d said no
Just a couple of beers after work with a mate
No big deal lm not staying late
You’ve said that a few times but still got in a state
Careful did you stumble
What did you say your starting to mumble
Why do you always end up like this
You know she hates it when your pissed
I’ve done it now Im in trouble
Sod it make mine a double
It’s easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission
Most of my life I’ve made these stupid decisions
You need one of these they said
No your alright I’ll have another drink instead
You should give it a go
It’s well alright
You know when you walk in she will start a fight
More Friday night violence
Followed by a weekend of silence
Yeah still I don’t need a drugs to bring me cheer
This makes me happy just having a beer
Yeah but when your home and staggering up the hall
Banging and bashing wall to wall
Just do one and I bet she’ll be fine
What do you mean It will bring me in line
If you go home like that all your get is trouble and no chance of a cuddle
I must admit it seems to explain when it’s only me like this but we’ve all drank the same
I’ve done you one it’s out on the van
I don’t believe it have you had one
Yeh why not it’s only a bit of fun
In that case maybe just one
if you say it’s good
Maybe I should
I’m a bit scared I’ve never done this before
What if it notices oh now I’m not so sure
As I open the door my heart starts to race
She looks straight at me right at my face
Oh please god say it don’t show
I wish I’d been strong I wish I’d said no
Oh I think she’s going to start
Wow I can hear my beating heart
But wait no shouting no screaming
I must be dreaming
Oh how I wish I could have foreseen all the heart break pain and shame
On that terrible day I found cocaine
Copyright © Phil Dopson | Year Posted 2020
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Phil Dopson Poem
One condition
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Oh my heart is so big and full
Full of love passion romance but I’m not ready yet to fall
I have tried many times before
But it’s never enough they always want more
I have searched all over far and wide
There isn’t anywhere I haven’t tried
I’ve looked in my heart and In my soul
All I found there was a hole
In frustration I slam my fists
Does this love even exist
Will you help If I confide
You see the love I seek is
For myself inside
It matters not how much I give or receive
If there’s none left for me
There will never be any relief
The most amazing love is deep in your sole
With out it there’s just a dark cold hole
To be at peace with your self
And at ease in your shell
Gives freedom from hate shame and pity
And you can exist in this harsh world shielded from
All the pain and brutality
So for me to give love unconditionally
It just can’t be
But the only one condition
Is first I have to love
ME
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Copyright © Phil Dopson | Year Posted 2020
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Phil Dopson Poem
Selfishly or
helplessly
As I lay here internally beat
Battered and bruised full of defeat
My pillow so wet and sodden
So many tears so many I’ve forgotten
This thought before has arisen
But I still had fight a way out of this prison
I was frightened before scared and unsure
Now I feel calmer
No worry or drama
Many will look down on me point the finger and say I lied
But I can honestly claim that I gave it my all I really tried
My head so loud with constant voices
None that make sense just painful noises
Some say it’s a selfish act
But they’re who still have peace and sanity intact
Having looked so hard at myself inside
Spent my life trying to hide
Pretended and even denied
It doesn’t matter how hard you run
Wherever you go your feelings will come
What of my loved ones what will they think
My wife I’m sure won’t shed a tear no not one even a
blink
My sons I believe will hurt and grieve
I hope they in time will come to perceive
That I did this not to hurt again
It was the only way I’d get freedom from my pain
These feelings of blame shame and self hate
i can’t carry no more
I can’t hold their weight
It’s torture for me knowing every day
All my goodness is waisting away
That all love and kindness
I carry inside I can’t share or give away
Every time I try
All I do is hurt and make them cry
Some will say all the pain is is the proof
And this may well hold some truth
That I did this all by myself
I have to highlight my internal health
When inside all these emotions collide
I didn’t confront them or looked for someone to confide
Now they return with renewed capability
Walking beside all your self pity
Allow all of them to roam freely inside
And you have the recipe for suicide
So many poor souls have laid here before
Now my tears start to poor
right now I have to confess
Im overcome with loneliness
I have no words I can make no sound
These feelings are here they’re all around
they slowly circle then lay by my Side
They all take their turn to help me decide
Hopeless useless guilt and pain so much hurt self hatred and sorrow
If I don’t do this they will all be back tomorrow
Do I do this selfishly
or am I not struggling helplessly
Turn out the light
Close your eyes tight
Nothing now left to fight
Copyright © Phil Dopson | Year Posted 2020
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Phil Dopson Poem
Repeat Prescription
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Depression is my diagnosis
This I feel my synopsis
If I can I’ll try to explain
In as many words that I can pertain
I feel devoid of all
emotion , devotion ,satisfaction and resolution
I’ve no
Ambition , vision , intention or conviction
I’m drowning in
Sadness , morbidness , helplessness and madness
Overrun with
Shame ,pain , blame and disdain
Overflowing with
Regretfulness , sorriness ,
Unhappiness and loneliness
Totally consumed in
Powerlessness, weaknesses ,worthlessness and helplessness
All I seek is
Conclusion , solution ,ceastation and completion
Just a little
Release , peace , ease and decrease
And show some
Drive , survive , alive and pride
Where I am now I never
Chose , supposed , proposed
Or opposed
And so now all I have is
Remoteness , vacantness ,
Emptiness and blankness
And so my prognosis
Is simply this a
miserable life of
mental paralysis
Here I give you my prescription
There is no
Expiration , solution termination or vaccination
Your affliction is
Irreversible , untreatable , terminal and unbearable
So take two a day one in the morning and one at night
if the pain persists you’ll need to enlist
An exorcist or spiritualist
Copyright © Phil Dopson | Year Posted 2020
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Phil Dopson Poem
Abigail
You have such a sweet way
Kind and gentle on a good day
You bring out the best of me
You even get me off the settee
You love to dress up in costume
And come skipping round the room
a girl was always the top of my wish list
that’s why to me your a beautiful gift
With your hair soft and golden
A little piece of my heart you’ve stolen
So as I watch my gorgeous baby
Slowly grow into a beautiful lady
Please remember you’ve always got
Inside of grandad your very own soft spot
Some times life is full of turns and twists
So always know grandads waiting with a hug and a kiss
??
Love grandad
xxxx
Copyright © Phil Dopson | Year Posted 2020
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