Selfishly Or Helplessly
Selfishly or
helplessly
As I lay here internally beat
Battered and bruised full of defeat
My pillow so wet and sodden
So many tears so many I’ve forgotten
This thought before has arisen
But I still had fight a way out of this prison
I was frightened before scared and unsure
Now I feel calmer
No worry or drama
Many will look down on me point the finger and say I lied
But I can honestly claim that I gave it my all I really tried
My head so loud with constant voices
None that make sense just painful noises
Some say it’s a selfish act
But they’re who still have peace and sanity intact
Having looked so hard at myself inside
Spent my life trying to hide
Pretended and even denied
It doesn’t matter how hard you run
Wherever you go your feelings will come
What of my loved ones what will they think
My wife I’m sure won’t shed a tear no not one even a
blink
My sons I believe will hurt and grieve
I hope they in time will come to perceive
That I did this not to hurt again
It was the only way I’d get freedom from my pain
These feelings of blame shame and self hate
i can’t carry no more
I can’t hold their weight
It’s torture for me knowing every day
All my goodness is waisting away
That all love and kindness
I carry inside I can’t share or give away
Every time I try
All I do is hurt and make them cry
Some will say all the pain is is the proof
And this may well hold some truth
That I did this all by myself
I have to highlight my internal health
When inside all these emotions collide
I didn’t confront them or looked for someone to confide
Now they return with renewed capability
Walking beside all your self pity
Allow all of them to roam freely inside
And you have the recipe for suicide
So many poor souls have laid here before
Now my tears start to poor
right now I have to confess
Im overcome with loneliness
I have no words I can make no sound
These feelings are here they’re all around
they slowly circle then lay by my Side
They all take their turn to help me decide
Hopeless useless guilt and pain so much hurt self hatred and sorrow
If I don’t do this they will all be back tomorrow
Do I do this selfishly
or am I not struggling helplessly
Turn out the light
Close your eyes tight
Nothing now left to fight
Copyright © Phil Dopson | Year Posted 2020
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