Selfishly Or Helplessly

Selfishly or helplessly As I lay here internally beat Battered and bruised full of defeat My pillow so wet and sodden So many tears so many I’ve forgotten This thought before has arisen But I still had fight a way out of this prison I was frightened before scared and unsure Now I feel calmer No worry or drama Many will look down on me point the finger and say I lied But I can honestly claim that I gave it my all I really tried My head so loud with constant voices None that make sense just painful noises Some say it’s a selfish act But they’re who still have peace and sanity intact Having looked so hard at myself inside Spent my life trying to hide Pretended and even denied It doesn’t matter how hard you run Wherever you go your feelings will come What of my loved ones what will they think My wife I’m sure won’t shed a tear no not one even a blink My sons I believe will hurt and grieve I hope they in time will come to perceive That I did this not to hurt again It was the only way I’d get freedom from my pain These feelings of blame shame and self hate i can’t carry no more I can’t hold their weight It’s torture for me knowing every day All my goodness is waisting away That all love and kindness I carry inside I can’t share or give away Every time I try All I do is hurt and make them cry Some will say all the pain is is the proof And this may well hold some truth That I did this all by myself I have to highlight my internal health When inside all these emotions collide I didn’t confront them or looked for someone to confide Now they return with renewed capability Walking beside all your self pity Allow all of them to roam freely inside And you have the recipe for suicide So many poor souls have laid here before Now my tears start to poor right now I have to confess Im overcome with loneliness I have no words I can make no sound These feelings are here they’re all around they slowly circle then lay by my Side They all take their turn to help me decide Hopeless useless guilt and pain so much hurt self hatred and sorrow If I don’t do this they will all be back tomorrow Do I do this selfishly or am I not struggling helplessly Turn out the light Close your eyes tight Nothing now left to fight