"Hieronymus Dipped"
The neurochip sucked me like a lollipop ... mind first into the dream,
squeezed my thoughts out like tubes of candy coloured toothpaste
all over the deus ex machina, Hieronymus dipped his brush in
an attempt
to artificially convert me
call it, a “do-over”
I was his primary binary by all accounts
he liked my shades of light and dark
he led me further in,
This he painted on my tongue, “You a muse”
“me?”, I said
He tut-tutted, exasperated
to be exchanging such inane pleasantries,
“this could take some time to complete, I see.”
“how so?”, I smiled
“Dali expects a masterpiece,
and with you in mind,
this will never be...
no easy dream.”
Candide Diderot. ‘24
Categories:
tutted, surreal,
Form: Free verse
and furthermore, i've made a catalogue of
100000 precious
objects; in my home
one of them is
the
toaster
and there is only
one spreading knife in the house
but we laugh at the
past, not realising we will be laughed at,
like Sylvester Stallone
asking
after toilet paper
in Demolition Man
it was an
awkward moment
but so is a car doing a u-turn
in front of you as you
sit tutting and sighing
then the
kids in the back sigh
as the Mary Rose sank in
full view of
the king
he must have tutted and sighed as well
Categories:
tutted, america, anger, anxiety,
Form: Free verse
'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
We heard father singing
He'd got rather soused.
Mother tut-tutted
At his yuletide cheer
He yelled "merry christmas"
Then chugged down a beer.
He stood on our cat
Who then shot up the tree
We fell about laughing
At this festivity.
The tree toppled over
Mother let out a scream
Not very yuletide-ish
More like halloween.
Hissing and spitting
The cat reappeared
Tangled in tinsel
With a cotton wool beard.
We chased the baubles
That rolled round the room
Then looked at each other...
We all laughed like loons.
Entry for
The Night Before 2 Poetry Contest
Sponsored by Joseph May
26/11/2019. Placed=1st.
Categories:
tutted, cat, christmas, father, humorous,
Form: Rhyme
I went to see a psychiatrist today
He studied me in a very strange way
He grunted once and then he said
"Let me try to understand what's in your head"
I said "There's nothing wrong with me
I'm as intelligent as can be"
Two more grunts then he exclaimed
"Let's begin. Tell me your name"
"My name is Mr. Downtoearth
I'll tell you that for what it's worth"
"Ah said the psychiatrist, with a penetrating stare
With a name like that, we have to take care"
He stroked his beard and gave a sigh
Tut-tutted twice and closed one eye
Looking at me with limited vision
As though it helped him to reach a decision
He clasped his hands around his knees
Blew his nose loudly and gave a sneeze
I said "I do not need a physician
I am Mr Downtoearth, the hospital electrician!"
Categories:
tutted, 10th grade,
Form: Rhyme
I fancied an omelette
So I bought myself some eggs,
I cracked a few in a bowl
And drained them to the dregs.
Then I got the whisk out
And I gave them a thrashing,
It all got rather vigorous,
The bowl and eggs went crashing.
So I changed tack, and went for fried,
I cracked some in the pan,
I turned the flame to maximum
That's when the fun began.
A friend phoned, I answered,
We had not talked for days,
Fifteen minutes later
My fried eggs were ablaze.
The firemen tut tut tutted
They'd seen it all before,
I promised, when I next have eggs
I'm going to eat them raw!
Categories:
tutted, food, humorous,
Form: Rhyme