My auntie, who was on vacation
Was lusting for fast fornication
She met a well-hung guy
But her foo-foo’s too dry
She blurted, “It needs lubrication!”
The fella, whose first name was Dick
Said, “Stay put. I’ll be back real quick
I’ll purchase sticky Jell-O
‘Twill turn your foof bright yellow
But ensures my entry is slick!"
The Jell-O lube worked really well
Dick satisfied my Auntie Mel
Next time she needs some lube
She’ll melt a Jell-O cube
Aunt’s shagged out. I think you can tell!
Categories:
shagged, humorous, lust,
Form: Limerick
Shagged in the back of a shotgun shack
at night by moonlight
peeping past curtains of burlap sack
such a sore sight
surrounded by fields of green
willing as she'd been
tho' torn
she surely wasn't about to be seen
with a child out of wedlock born
so with a bun in the oven
she had her Dad invite he
who did the dirty deed
and plant the seed
the Father-to-be
down south way out on the steading
to shape up show up and in the end
attend a shotgun wedding
Categories:
shagged, boy, father, girl, humorous,
Form: Rhyme
I noticed whilst walking up and down the thing
What's going on here I thought
I had been given a middle seat
In what I consider to be the worst flight I have ever experienced
The two passengers either side of me were trolling
Ghosting me
Two Count Drunkulas in the dark
I got up and sat in one of the flight attendant's seats
I needed leg room and the final frontier
I needed me, myself and rock star parking
Like a suicidal cop
The window seat bloke started shaving
A nudge war after landing to hurry it up
As he was gagging for a cigarette
I was so mentally fatigued
Cream crackered and shagged
That I forgot to make this poem a calligram
As was originally intended
You know, in the shape of the fuselage
Oh what genius
I told friends
They asked what other films were available on the flight
Lethal Weapon 2 I replied
Categories:
shagged, cry, depression,
Form: Free verse
To the young lady I shagged on the bed
Sorry my bank account was so in the red
My checkbook had bounced
When on you I pounced
Dearie, better to be in the red than dead.
Written April 21, 2022
Categories:
shagged, humor,
Form: Limerick
Lust and Love
She was lusty
She was busty
She was really really hot
He was rusty
He was dusty
He was really just a clot
He did fancy
Some of Nancy
Wanted her so much it hurt
She'd wait and see
If by chance he
Would at least attempt to flirt
Then at last he
Asked young Nancy
If she'd come out on a date
She acted cool
She was no fool
Told him he would have to wait
She acted Mean
To keep him keen
Dirty thoughts were in her mind
He was horny
Thoughts quite porny
Of her boobs and her behind...
He got the call
He's on the ball
Borrowed his dad's brand new jag
She dressed to kill
She took her pill
Hoping for a decent shag
It all went well
I have to tell
The truth is they shagged all night
They fell in love
The stars above
Shining like their future - bright.
And so young men
Take heed that when
Girls you fancy seem aloof
It's just a show
You need to know
They want love too - and that's the truth
Categories:
shagged, love, lust,
Form: Free verse
Out to the bleacher
We were drawn
By sun burning down,
Melting stubborn
White snow mounds,
While the girls
Still with wintry-pale legs
Trotted the bases
Or lowered to grateful grass
In the broad outfield
And stretched calves out
With spread lean thighs
We somehow knew
Would one day open
That way for love,
So we bee-essed
About doing it,
How much, which one,
Braggadocious banter
Of the uninitiated;
And some cute face
Buried in the shade
Of her batting helmet
From time to time
Would smile through
Wire backstop diamonds
At us, bat shouldered
And gold block letters
Denoting “West High”
Adhering to the contours
Of her nascent bust
While darkness stained
Cloth at shaved armpit
And atop pert fanny;
Maybe, we hoped,
One or a few
Would mount the ladder
Of wooden bleacher
Up to us after practice
And offer thanks that we
Shagged foul balls
By letting us inhale
That perfume-sweat-red clay melange
Only a girl can attain,
Fragrance that lingered with a guy
Late at night
In a desolate bed
During the sublime chaos
Of his spring of life.
Categories:
shagged, desire, growing up, spring,
Form: Free verse
The greatest comedy of all
Was at her funeral-
MmaUneghe.
The old woman lived for a long, long time
In isolation
And kicked the bucket of abandonment.
They called her "witch."
She was old, unkempt, haggard and shagged
So they called her "witch."
At her funeral,
Came all sorts of guests
Invitees and dignitaries.
The real tragedy was in the
Pomp and galore in which
Mma Uneghe's passing was celebrated.
The burial was well celebrated.
A quarter of the expense
Would have given the poor woman
A happy life,
If you know what I mean.
She then transited
From dust to dust
As the pulpits often say.
She became many, many millions
Of tiny particles of dust to float.
Floating all over earth
And beyond.
Laughing at them as she did
Mocking them as they mourned.
She reached far to the stars
And back as stardusts
To settle on their birthday cakes.
All who abandoned her at old age.
Categories:
shagged, bereavement, betrayal, death, discrimination,
Form: Elegy
One must have a mind of winter
To regard the frost and the boughs
Of the pine trees crusted with snow
And have been cold a long time
To behold the junipers shagged with ice,
The spruces roughed in the distant glitter
Of the January sun; and not to think
Of any misery in the sound of the wind,
In the sound of a few leaves,
Which is the sound of the land
Full of the same wind
That is blowing in the same bare place
For the listener, who listens in the snow,
And, nothing himself, beholds
Nothing that is not there and nothing that is.
Categories:
shagged, age, beautiful,
Form: I do not know?
Once seduced by his junior coworkers
Old man took his dates to the lockers
They used penile tweezers
And shagged like young weasels
Too bad he forgot beta-blockers
Categories:
shagged, funny, games, lust, men,
Form: Limerick
Big n hard
well babe its been big n hard,
the dumb retard?
wants planting in pleasures planting pot,
or bring some stole viagra,
just in case its not:)
get a keeper maybe should,
enhance his mood, stiff as wood,
the blood flow enterprising,
could be bloody mystifying,
as any phallus should,
yet babe im shagged, deflated bags,
me ball bags teste-fying,
get back you baitch,
can’t have an inch,
bo-didly aint supplying…
Don Johnson
Categories:
shagged, adventure,
Form: Ballad
(This is a fictional poem)
When she turned on the lights, I screamed and screamed.
I pinched myself because I was hoping it was all just a dream.
It was the most horrible thing I ever saw.
I had sex with my mother-in-law.
She was in the bed that my wife and I slept in.
Now I'm so turned off by sex that I may never get horny again.
While touching her breasts, I thought it was odd because they were wrinkled and
seemed to sag.
I nearly died of heart failure when I saw who I shagged.
I can't get the vision of that gray hair, wrinkled skin and false teeth out of my mind.
But what bothers me the most is that I squeezed that prune shaped behind.
My wife started insisting that the three of us have a menage a trois.
I said not with my mother-in-law.
My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't stop saying no.
I pointed toward the door and I said go.
Categories:
shagged, husband, mother, wife, wife,
Form: I do not know?
Crystal dew like sugar water
rock candy brewing in a pot on the counter
Tom Jones scratching up the record player
bell bottoms sweep the floor
Carpet shagged to snag the cat
Mud green curtains are where it's at
Mustard yellow scarf, psychedelic hat
brass "welcome" sign on the door
Parakeets jumming and jirping away
while "The Gong Show" laughs at the act of the day
Piano stiff waiting for my mother to play
slipping me into night's dreams
Cadillac resting it's tons 'till we drive
Photos in polaroids coming alive
Family love thick 'till the day I turned five
and the world burst apart at the seams...
Categories:
shagged, family, loss, time,
Form: Lyric