Long Heartbreaking Poems
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The first time I ever saw your face was the first time I ever saw beautiful.
Your pink rosy cheeks were so soft and tender, like an ivory chiffon quilt
made by great-grandma’s frail hands. I knew not what demons would
ascend and create a life too sad for such a sweet little girl to want to bear.
Thirteen came and you were still more adoring than any other girl your age.
But you never did see your beauty, did you? Sorrow encompassed your smile.
If I could erase the ugly you feel inside; maybe, just maybe I could see the
beauty that shined the day you were born-
once again.
See, you still have those same rosy cheeks-
and those same big doe chestnut eyes God
gave you knowing how perfect they’d be…
(if only just for me).
So, I sit on one side of the couch, you on the other, and we do our thing
with occasional laughs and funny sayings we made up. The sparkle in your
eyes when we are together gives me comfort that soon you will shine with the
constellations of confidence and healing. "Will this anguish cease before she
becomes so torn she turns to negativity for reliance?" My prayers are heavy
and my worry runs deep.
Just then…
you grab one side of the blanket, and I the other; two young lovely ladies doing nothing but believing in each other with...
warmth and light.
“For you are my beginning, and you are my end.
My sweetness, completeness, my best friend.
I feel your sorrow when you cry as if it was me,
I want to heal you with my arms to make you see
I have a secret that it seems like no one else knows-
you’re perfect the way you are, my sweet Ella Rose."
For my girl is shamed by BROKEN INNOCENCE.
*There’s just not enough education on how to deal with a child who suffers from mental illness. It’s heartbreaking and worrisome. I pray for the youthful demons children face. I pray other parents their children help if needed. The bond between my daughter and I is unbreakable. I cried as I wrote this.*
Date judged: May 10, 2019
MAY 2019 PREMIER 3,ANY FORM,ANY THEME,UPTO A MAX OF 8
(E I G H T )Lines
Date written: May 9, 2019
For the contest, Writing Challenge 4, May 2019, No Placement Poetry Contest
Sponsor, Dear Heart
Only when the trumpets roar
Angels in chorus, enchanting all music
The day our creator calls.
I surrender my soul, O Holy One, to you
He who casts, out all shadows, from the darkness
striking at the devil's door, he himself will kneel, guilty
To our maker and his.Bowing down kissing his feet
We will raise our hands in prayer
In a regal Heavenly sound, holding the very air, we breathe.
Golden flashing silver chariots on fire blinding with his lightning, Grace
Flashing of beauty, Glory be to God
They come racing out, from the gates, of heaven
We will bow in shame adoring
Each and every single knee,they will bend
In honor to, our Almighty King
He who is reverent ,Father,Lord and Master
When a sun will forever sleep
The sounds of weeping,them bathing, within pools of, a beautiful light
Weeps upon destination, our final day, judgement.
Our redeemer has finally come,unto to earth ,in our salvation
The moon shades red, her light in sorrow
Clouds nacreous upon gossamer wings
sweetly floats, upon a whispering breeze sweetly
Aeolian blowing through deep Psiturism passions
bleeds on our Passover, have mercy
Suffering blood of our brothers and sisters
Generations of our sins ,in the Heaven,s speak
Our Lord and master has spoken
only no one heeds, his Holy voice, or call
All this talk of war, makes one weep, with sadness
suffering in a world, where we are all brothers
born from our mother,s womb, sacred
Sisters reminiscence in past sins
Brought up, with the peace,within understanding and love of God
We are all his flock of children, lost
So much poison, shown on the television
We all sit back guilty and say nothing
This world we live in, is our world
Each and everyone of us, has a very powerful voice
Our rights to, freedom of speech
Ataraxia to all nations calls
Very little love, within this world
Less today, let us pray for tomorrow
We are controlled now, with mans own greed
How heartbreaking sad, it makes one feel inside
Power is in the hands, held with love and peace
With gentle happiness and joy, it would embrace
this ugly world ,we now, live in today
Aeolian [rotating to or caused by wind]
Ataraxia [perfect peace of mind with calmness]
Gossamer [any thin,light fabric]
Nacreous [mother of pearl clouds]
Psiturism [the soul of the wind through the trees]
When a family member is dying
The whole family is plunged into despair.
It is heartbreaking to see a once active relative
In a hospital bed in pain lying there
It is hard to imagine that this is the same individual
Who was previously so active and full of life?
It may feel strange and uncomfortable to spend time
With a loved one knowing their time has arrived
Most of us feel helpless in the hospital
Seeing them there fighting to survive
There may be an opportunity to share a moment
That you treasure for the rest of your life
And on the day the heavenly father calls
For them to return home to him
The faith and hope that shines so bright
Has all of a suddenly becomes dim
But we must always have trust in the almighty
For he is the creator of everything
And we know he has a plan for all of us
Regardless to what religion you believe in
We will reflect on the lives of the departed
The legacy that they has left behind
And we know that their soul is around us
So we keep looking out for that sign
We will make mistakes because no one is perfect
And we can never please everyone
But we have to think of what memory leave
When we are dead and gone
That day will come to all of us
Children, young and old
No one knows the time god will say
Its time to leave this world
And our deeds will be the key
To open or close heaven’s door
If we crave Possessions and wealth
It will mean nothing to us anymore
We can never rewind our lives
So we have to be careful of the role we play
And imprints we leave in people lives
Is what they will remember on that day?
My very good friend father just past away
And I feel her sorrow and pain
But I know she love her father dearly
And in her heart he will always remain
And he is walking thru the gates of heaven
Free of all sorrow and pain
Where one day his family
Will see and greet him again
We wish we can keep love ones save
Shield and protected in our hearts
Knowing they will always be there
No matter what weather is on the charts
But it all is just wishful thinking
A fantasy we all have in our mind
And that day will come to everyone
For no one can stop the time
If any thing ever happens to the woman
I love with all my heart and soul
Will hold her in my arms forever
And together we will leave this world
As I sat today surrounded by millions of words,
As I glazed at the sheets....
Each bearing my emotions,
Or bearing one of my pains,
But with each bearing an unbelievable story,
One that desperatly needs to be told....
My life of twenty-three years,
All lay before me now,
Almost all running together,
Almost all becoming the same.
I upon paper started to write,
As I began my fight for survial,
And the fight for my life.
That year being 1983...
But yet now seeming as tho.....
Maybe just a year or so ago....
When a simple visit to a dentist....
Left me it's horrors....
And robbed me of my life...
My youth seeming to vanish over night.....
Not knowning......
The trails that lay ahead...
Would soon just add...
To my already living fears.
I know now all this paper became....a path....
A path chosen.....
Chosen, to carry me thru.....
Thru the up coming months of misery....
And many heartbreaking tears....
Yes today as I look into this box...
My life before me.....I am forced to recall.....
As sheets of paper....
Some faded with age...
All beganing revealing years of the .....
Unkowning.......
Years of my fears.....
Surgeons not knowing....
What the out come would be.....
Each trying so hard to just help me.....
Each knowing my sanity was laying.....
Laying close on the line..... .
Yes my pains were great....
And my spirits were low....
Pain had engulfed me....
As misery had taken its toll.....
You see my life as I had known it....
All ended one day.....
I was left with lock jaw....
And oh in such a brutal way.....
I was left unattented.....
With the matter growing worse.....
For the dentist that had harm me.....
Saw not the need to help me.....
But rather to hide behind....
His unexperienced years.
With years passing...
And proper help not to be found....
My life was all shattered about me....
As my hope of recovery....
Began vanishing with time.....
So now I live with the results....
I live with all the disbelives....
Tho I surived it's wrath....
I became a victim...
A victim of a crime.....
With these words all about me......
And as I said......
Each revealing a path....
All I ask when you read them...
Remember they helped to save me....
On the many days....
I thought were my last......
Golden leaves, sheet music written by the unforgiving hand of time,
Fall in the slow rhythm of years that slip away like sand in an hourglass.
We are violins tuned to the melancholic tone of the eternal autumn,
Playing the ephemeral melody of life on the fragile strings of existence.
The mirror of the lake reflects the leaden sky of memory,
Ripples of water intersect with the wrinkles of time on the face of aging nature.
Memories dance in whirlwinds of wind like ghosts of the past,
Like dried leaves from the faded summers of our lost youth.
The scent of ripe apples and the smoke of burnt wood float in the air of nostalgia,
The final symphony of nature before the long sleep of life's winter.
Each note is more precious than the gold in our dreams of yore,
In the final concert of seasons that succeed mercilessly towards infinity.
Trees, people deeply rooted in the fertile soil of the past,
Some still green with hope, others bare of illusions, all whispering untold stories.
We are lost travelers through the park of collective and personal memory,
Gathering yellowed leaves from the album of life that thins with each passing day.
Spring once lied to us with sweet dreams of youth without old age,
Summer intoxicated us with the bright mirage of a promised eternity.
But autumn, sincere in its golden and rusted melancholy,
Teaches us, with gentleness and firmness, the beautiful and cruel lesson of passing.
We are but fleeting notes on the cosmic staff of existence,
Meant to resonate for a moment and then fall silent in the great silence.
But in this fleeting and fragile melody of our limited existence,
We find the heartbreaking beauty of the moment that shines before it fades.
Each autumn is a priceless gift in the crown of years that dwindle,
An elegant invitation to the last dance with the life that still pulses within us.
We gather precious moments like golden fruits from an enchanted garden,
From the orchard of time that shrinks but becomes ever sweeter and more intense.
We breathe deeply the cold and fresh air of the autumn embracing us,
Feeling how we become one with nature in its eternal cycle of birth and death.
In the violet evening silence, we vow to live each autumn with intensity,
As if it were our last symphony in the grand orchestra of the universe.
There is so much about our universe I don’t know
So much I don’t know if I’m even capable of knowing
One could even debate that the amount of knowledge I lack
Is infinite
Feeling something weighing
On my consciousness
I read about stars
How they begin
And how they end
Did you know that the bigger the star, the shorter it’s life?
Somehow that made sense to me
When a large star forms
It burns big and bright
It uses its resources more quickly
And runs out just as fast
Then it explodes
Pieces of it are flung into the surrounding space
If a star is big enough
When it dies
It creates a black hole
Apparently
When a black hole is swallowing the things around it
Not even light can avoid falling in
Apparently
A black hole is far heavier
Than the star that created it
Even though this cycle takes place so, so incredibly far away from me
It feels so close and so familiar
And what it really reminds me of
Is the stars I’ve known
Who shined so bright
So bright that they didnt shine for long
I’ve known many stars in my life
Beautiful to know
Heartbreaking to lose
Always a privilege to witness
Seeing just how far their light reaches
Shining their rays on everyone
And everything
That crosses their path
And when they go
The ripples of tragedy can be felt far and wide
Shrapnel striking anyone close by
After the shockwave
The space they once occupied
Becomes a chasm
Sucking in the light of those around them
The gravity of this chasm
Forces you to the ground
And tries to coax you into falling in voluntarily
But there is beauty in these phenomena
For when black holes reach the end of their life
They too, explode
And the matter of everything they consumed
Is scattered
Creating an environment for a new star to form
The matter that composes these stars is recycled into infinity
And their makeup is never truly lost
We witness their light time and time again
The love we pour into them
Is eventually poured back into us
One day, my time here will come to an end
My life force will have been used
And I will have to leave those I love
Just as those I have loved had left before
But knowing that they will never be without me
That I am here amongst the ether
Shining down on them at all times
This fact comforts me
With fifty-nine tears, I stare at the phone, wanting to
understand. I had your voice in my hand. Intense pain now
washes through our decade’s bones. I must be able to rinse it,
cleanse it and restart with a stable heart. Always layers of hurt
from you. Now there is another, my lost Brother.
We may never meet again, not as siblings or as friends, yet you
chose to bring our last call to a painful end! Distance and age
whisper chilly to me of a certain possibility, this call could be the
last call of all. I wonder, do you feel that, too? Does this sad truth
also shadow you?
In life’s darkness, two stars shine on; one is our Dad, the other,
our Mom. Dad could not take your constant rift of frightening dread
or bear your street life, so he mentally buried you in his head. Mom
could not handle her first born living so forlorn, her maternal heart
and head were torn. She could not sever the bond, so her enabling
continued on. Neither parent was right or wrong. Unbearable pain
made them desperate to survive your heartbreaking song.
I never knew what to do, but I sought and fought to do it right.
I would help, I would insist, but true help, you would resist. Each
approach to coax you towards a healthy life ended with me tripping
through your dark light. I’ve abandoned my hopeful persistence
by accepting that I’ll never have brother-relief, not in this existence.
For years my insides have churned as I daily pray for some informative
word about your wellbeing. I've even called morgues in your state
to learn if you were still among the living but no news ever shaped.
I’ve had a lifetime of watching you fill your own spaces by selfishly
passing thru daylight. Rather than climbing up to achieve a healthy
need, you've always sat aground and caused yourself to bleed.
Whether you’re in jail or living drugged on the streets, loving you has
never known relief. I gave you my all, walked all your dark halls.
Can’t we now have peace?
Please bro, on some near tomorrow, borrow another phone. Call me
and let us be the best of us, let us share love to enhance what is
left of us. Look to your heart and grant what I want, one more, last
call that love may be shown when next your voice is in my phone.
My cat is a rescue me,
The abandonment of loneliness
He had his Forever Home promise
My love and affection were his.
See, he turns out to be,
Complete contentment we shared
Mutual grounds in battles, here
We did not care and laughed.
My cat was very special to me:
He was all that I had in this world.
He did love me a bunch, you see;
I loved him back even more
With this punch, I had shown.
He gave me a reason to live;
He started to grow and give
He greeted me every morning
He gave me his meow-to gear.
Until he was watered and fed;
He weighed twenty-five lbs
He was this big boy, instead!
As he was growing up:
I taught him to Box, indeed
Yes, you read that right, I say
I taught Mischief how to Box.
He would get up on his hind legs,
He gave a pawing jab
With his pawing punch
It is true he could Box.
Mischief grew over the years,
And we always had fun in tears
He had come to a spot in his life
It was our saddest one, we feared.
June 30th was the day;
Independence was here
He was playing around in the house
He lay under the air, basking him.
Then he came to the room,
He wanted to take a nap
Up in the window, he went
Not knowing it would be his last stint.
Then the next thing I knew,
He was dragging his legs
He cried with a bellowing pain in his voice
Mischief had a stroke that day.
In such a heartbreaking way,
For this cat to bear
I needed to relieve his pain.
I left him there for the night,
He was under sedation
I collapsed, walking away
He gave me such a fright.
July 1st came in,
He looked at me with a thirst
Then he kissed my hand, that he knew
And laid in my lap
We Loved Blue.
He wanted up to my shoulders,
Then give me this
One Lasting Hug
The vet had his cocktail treat waiting,
My Mischief Lotus,
Departs
Now He sleeps!
Oh, my heart aches for you;
Of the agonized pain he suffered
That bellowing, hurtful cry,
He is Free,
Now He Flys!
I know this grieving here will pass,
In its time indeed.
Rest In Peace,
My Lil Buddy
I Love You
One More Last Time!
"A tribute to the sorrow that brings us
the strength of undying love,
prevailing its light."
~ William Darnell Sr
R.I.P. Mischief Lotus Darnell
My love to you!
August 2017-July 2022
i dont know what im scared of
im scared to fall in love with you
scared that i may mess it up
i dont know this game
I've had zero practice and im not intimate at all
in fact i cringe at stuff like that
and to think i MUST do it to prove my love
my affection?
well excuse my ignorance, for i did not know
im scared that i'll do too much, or too little
i wont be able to handle you when you cry
i wont be able to be with you every time life pokes you in the eye
i'll blame myself for the smallest arguments
and i struggle to apologize, not that im incapable
but i really like proving my point
my point of all this being: i dont trust myself.
it sounds cheesy but its not you, its me
truly, i am the problem
i have too many problems and im trying to solve them
and i know you'll get tired of it, i wont blame you
and when you do leave, i'll feel even worse than i did when i was with you
i'll have to avoid you, walk past you in the halls in complete silence, icing your presence
i'll have to listen when our friends talk about you while my heart aches in silence.
i'll have to stumble upon old pictures and text messages that'll set me back on my progress
i'll have to listen to sad, heartbreaking music and binge netflix movies, eat ice cream straight out of the tub
i'll have to become less productive as im still hurting
while i believe you've moved on and hurts me further
you could feel like you wasted months of your life with me, because you did
you could feel like you accomplished less and sacrificed more because of me
you could feel like you did everything while i did nothing
you could feel like you were dumb for believing i was THE ONE, and you weren't dumb
i just couldn't live out the expectations, i knew i couldn't and i still led you astray
i know all of this will happen if we do get together
we have the best chemistry, we can talk for hours and hours, we know a lot about each other and are comfortable with each other
as friends
once we cross the barrier, i dont know
i feel like something clicks and i become less
thats when the issues start
so baby im sorry, its really not you, its me
i dont expect you to understand
see, i did it again
im scared to love you
im scared to fall in love
and im fine with it.
It doesn’t hurt just explains a lot of my relationships with males I guess
I don’t ask for your forgiveness or your pity
I just want to understand:
“OH, Brittany! You’re so blessed to be living with both your biological mother and father! So many people don’t have that.”
I understand that there are people that don’t have both entities in their lives but what makes having them any more blessed than not having them?
For a slight example,
What makes a loving adopted family less valuable than a family of neglect?
I have stories upon stories upon stories of what I’ve seen and experienced first hand
REAL STORIES
My stories are no more or less heartbreaking than another’s heartbreaking testimony
The main factor is HEARTBREAK
Don’t get me wrong
I appreciate having clothes, food, and shelter
But is this all there is to love?
BOOM! BaDOOM!
Daddy: “Next time . . . I’ll KILL you!”
My older brother plays sleep and I just can’t hold myself together
When still silence secured my dad’s departure, I check on my mom
She’s at the bathroom mirror, running water, checking her face
I’ve NEVER seen this much physical damage done to her from ANY of their brawls:
SWOLLEN EYE
BUSTED LIP
BLOOD RUNNING DOWN THE DRAIN
F a S t F o R w A r D
Our family makes our escape across the East Coast away from . . . I don’t know
All I’ve noticed was more space and damaged relationships
At a time, I was close to my father and spoke to him . . .
My Floridian friends didn’t even know I had a father unless they were to pass my parents room and question who that man was
For this reason, I was sparingly allowed to have company and when I did, Mom would close their door
I literally didn’t speak to my father for a number of years
F a S t F o R w A r D
My parents and I make our trek across the East Coast
Through the help of the community we’ve been able to speak to each other
It’s more like an impersonal cooperatively forced conversation
I love him still
Just as I love my mom, my brother and all other humans
You’ve supported my life so I support you as a father
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY