Long Funnywoman Poems
Long Funnywoman Poems. Below are the most popular long Funnywoman by PoetrySoup Members. You can search for long Funnywoman poems by poem length and keyword.
Twas the night of the Ladies League Final and the atmosphere was tense
Only two teams were competing, no loyalties allowed on the fence
There could only be one winner, the team with strongest will
And if you lost you were losers, and losing meant you were swill!
The teams were made up of eight players, all with an aim straight and true
Each woman stood there determined and each with their own point of view
Still arguments were frequent and blood was often shed
Only last week Blackout Bertha got smacked in the gob, now she’s dead!
The marker called all to order, and with a toss of a coin they were off
The Fiddler and Firkham Ladies verses the Wenches from ‘Th’owd Pig N Trough’
The Captain of the Firkham was called upon to name
the player who was starting this dangerously ill fated game.
She shouted ‘Hot Legs Hilda - will play for the Firkham pride’
she was the one who’d smacked Bertha, you know, the lass that had died!
Well ripples ran though the public and scowls came across from the Trough
But they sent out their best in ‘Fat Freida’ and suddenly the game was off!
Hilda set a steady pace, with a one and a two, double three
As she stepped back off the hockey she gave Frieda a stab in the knee
But Freida was not to be mithered she went one, double two, double five
And folks sitting round the ale tables thought, ‘We’ll none of us get out alive!’
It was plain to see from the offing that this match was doomed from the start
As each woman rankled the other with poke or cough or a fart!
Eventually the pair of them, understood that the game must be won
And Frieda left Hilda three Arrows – her Captain said, ’This’ll be fun!’
Now Hilda was a psychopath who hated to lose, yes it’s true
But what she did next took all by surprise; it came totally out of the blue
She ambled across to her handbag and pulled out a crossbow of size
And with that she let loose an arrow that hit Frieda right between eyes.
You could have heard a pin drop as Freida lifelessly fell to the floor
As her Captian straddled the bloodied corpse her face took on a look that was sore
She turned to the Firkin’s Captain and said quite resigned and all meek
‘By Heck June not another – Oh well, same time, same place next week??’
There once lived a handsome prince
Who one day was a frog
But a kiss from a beautiful princess
Made his home no more a log
Now this prince was a playboy
And he liked his women fast
Every relationship he ever had
Was destined not to last
In the kingdom lived a witch
We'll call, (my mother-in-law)
The ugliest woman who ever lived
Uglier than them all
Now the prince was getting older
And was tired of running around
So he thought he'd find a woman
And finally settle down
Now the witch, (my mother-in-law)
Had also heard this news
And she was bound and determined
That she'd be the one he'd choose
So the witch, (my mother-in-law)
Decided to make up a tale
About a wicked witch, (somebody elses mother-in-law)
Who had put her under a spell
And a single kiss from royality
Would show her beauty inside
And live happily everafter
As prince and his princess bride
Now the prince was a little reluctant
But he puckered and closed his eyes
And when the deed was finally done
He was in for a big surprise
For the witch, (my mother-in-law)
Was not a princess at all
You didn't really think she was did you?
For I said she was my mother-in-law
The prince was shocked to see
That she was still and ugly witch, (you know)
But now the prince began to scratch
For he had such a terrible itch
For the ugly witch, (you guessed it)
Had cast an itching spell
Now no one else would want him
And she'd keep him for herself
Well that's the end of my story
It has no moral at all
Except don't be kissing ugly witches
And especially my mother-in-law
I suppose the inventor of the wheel will ever remain a mystery,
A nameless face lost forever in the abyss of ancient history.
Was it a man or woman? This we will never know.
No matter who it was I'd like to postulate my theory though!
Woman from the time of Eve was, it seems, dealt a losing hand,
Facing misery under mans' thumb, acquiescing to his every demand.
Man had his sport hunting with rock, club, arrow and bow,
Piling mastodon meat and other game upon her back bent low!
One day she mused, "Ugh! I've had enough of this silly guff!"
So a woman it was who invented the wheel to carry all that stuff!
This novel idea made life easier for everyone concerned.
Man mused, "I need to find other things to pester her, by durned!"
The oldest known wheel it seems was made in Mesopotamia,
And I reckon among the citizenry caused sensational mania!
Everyone just had to have their own set of "wheels", as it were.
The sale of this unique commodity outsold frankincense and myrrh!
Now many macho guys will claim that I have betrayed their gender,
By suggesting that woman was the inventor and that to them I pander.
But we are grateful to the originator, whether it be a him or her,
As we whizz along the highway on our radials at seventy miles per!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(© All Rights Reserved)
There once lived a man in a land far away
Who couldn't remember his name
It wasn't amnesia or a bump on his head
And he wasn't seeking fortune or fame
He'd look in the mirror and recongnize his face
But that was as far as he could get
Every morning, he'd get out of bed
And remember that he would only forget
It was a curse, some would cry out
For the man was a stranger to all
But no one would ever speak to him
Without a name who would you call?
He lived alone just outside of town
Where no one would ever stop by
But he wouldn't know if anyone did
I'm sure you remember why
Then one day, from out of the blue
A woman shows up and said,
"This man's my husband, his name is Joe
And I honestly thought he was dead"
Joe said, "Madam, I'm sorry, I know you not
You must be mistaken my dear"
Her face turned red, now she was mad
As she grabbed him by his ear
"This ain't the first time you've pulled this stunt"
They all heard the woman say,
"For everytime my mother drops in
You end up running away"
You see, Joe was faking all this time
He could remember right from the start
But I understand his mother-in-law pain
He's a man after my own heart
So. that's the story of what's his name
You know, that dude named Joe
I'll write you another story now
And when it's ready, I'll let you know
Some Advantages of Being Female
By Elton Camp
Women have more choices in life
An exemption from so much strife
To be a homemaker is thought fine
But a househusband’s a ball of slime
She stays home when the kids are sick
A man is a bum if he tries that trick
If a woman’s upset it’s okay to cry
For a man to show emotion won’t fly
Whenever a woman is as ugly as hell
She fixes up so that nobody can tell
When a man doesn’t look very good,
There’s nothing to do even if he would
A woman can work for very little dough
A man would be a poor provider if so
A woman needn’t chase a burglar away
“You see about that noise,” she will say
It’s only a man who has to wash the car
And he has to remove the lid from a jar
He has to get stuff off of the top shelf
Even if his wife is far from being an elf
A man is expected to hold the heavy door
And then allow a woman to go in before
When a couple go to a restaurant on a date
The man pays for both his and her plate
Whenever the tire on the sedan goes flat
He is the only one who sees about that
When the garbage is to take to the street
A woman never performs that little feat
Women have it over men in every way
And then will outlive them many a day
Advantages of being male I plan to tell
So check back and read that one as well
Well, here's another Granny story
That woman did it all
She was even a sumo wrestler
And she was only four foot tall
Now, my granny's seen a lot of things
She even lived thru the great depression
No, I'm not talking about the crash of '29
I'm talking about her last confession
I reckon she told that priest some things
That could take the hair off my mother-in-law's back
She said it didn't help her feel any better
And that the priest kinda smelled like a yak
I guess, you really have to know my granny
That woman has such a way with words
She picked up a thing or two in high school
Cause she only went out with the nerds
Well, now back to the confession
You see, my granny really spilled her guts
By the time she got done telling it all
The priest just laughed and called her nuts
Now, my granny didn't like this much
That's when she set in to cussin'
She called that priest every name in the book
And that's when they really started fussin'
That priest got my granny in a headlock
But my granny was way too stout
Remember, my granny was a sumo wrestler?
So she knocked that "yak" priest out
Well, that's the end of my story
And don't worry about my granny at all
She started a sumo wrestling league
For priests only four foot tall
Well, I finally got a great Idea
I know how we can win this war
And if they do exactly what I tell them to
We won't be bothered anymore
You see, all they would have to do
Is drop my mother-in-law from a plane
She wouldn't even need a parachute
And she'd drive those people insane
Now I know we don't believe in torture
And we got that Geneva Convention
But we'd just have to let them people know
That torture was not our intention
But I've heard, "All is fair in Love and War"
And they will just have to understand
Osama Bin Laden thinks he's a tough guy
But my mother-in-law is more of a man
She even has a bigger beard than him
And I think she even knows kung fu
Wait!, maybe it's hemorrhoids she has
So that last part's probably not true
Anyway, she's a lean, mean fighting machine
Okay, she's not lean, that woman weighs a ton
She kinda reminds you of a Tyrannosaurus Rex
So Osama better be able to run
Now that woman even has a little flatulence
You know, (....whispers....) "Gas"
So she can even bring chemical warfare
And they better be wearing a mask
Now, I'm just saying, she a secret weapon
You know, kinda like the atom bomb
All we gotta do is send her over there
And Osama will be crying for his mom
Here’s a story of a nation called Freedonia
It has a neighboring country known as Sylvania
Freedonia’s richest woman is Mrs. Teasdale.
The country is bankrupt, and without her help will fail.
New government has been in place, but to no avail.
She then calls for the president’s prompt resignation.
This rich woman wants someone else in this position.
She insists on installing Rufus T. Firefly
Mrs. Teasdale sees in this man someone to rely
on in Freedonia’s awful moment of despair.
However, Firefly makes things worse off everywhere.
While Mrs. Teasdale is being wooed by Firefly,
Ambassador Trentino also gives her a try.
He hopes that his country can control Freedonia
if he marries her, and takes her back to Sylvania.
This Trentino plants a spy known as Chicolini
He is followed by a silent spy who’s called Pinky.
Together, they try to get vital information
on Firefly, and his inept administration.
What happens next is a funny abomination.
Before you know it, there is war between each nation.
So how do the Freedonians secure a victory?
All I have to say is: "Just watch the movie".
Based on the Marx Brothers 1933 movie "Duck Soup"
A Good Christian
By Elton Camp
Note: This is about a churchy, hypocritical woman talking
on the phone to another woman. She is slandering a
third member of their church.
I couldn’t believe that dress she wore
Anybody would think she’s a whore
Even for her, it was a big surprise
The hem was halfway up her thighs
Her neckline was a daring as could go
It surely shows that her morals are low
And the pearl necklace she picked out
Those gems were paste, there’s no doubt
Her ring with a diamond that’s so large
Is either a phony or she got it on charge
Wanda’s fancy watch showed “Rolex,”
But surely she changed it from “Timex”
And those hose were tinted a dark blue
That’s what a loose woman would do
Those shoe heels were six inches tall
And red isn’t the right shoe color at all
Also, her breasts are the largest you see
Another Dolly Parton she’s trying to be
A plastic surgeon must’ve helped her out
Those things are silicone I’ve little doubt
If she should die, to hell she’ll depart
But yet I still love her, bless her heart
I’ll see you at the church on Sunday
But don’t tell Wanda anything I say
It’s midnight and I’m alone downstairs
I hope she’s sleeping, I’ve said my prayers
Now I’m walking like I’m in a dream
Sneak in the kitchen for some ice cream
DON”T EVEN THINK IT
Back upstairs I hear her snore
So I slowly shut the bedroom door
Be very careful so she doesn’t wake
Sneak back downstairs to get some cake
DON’T EVEN THINK IT
Damn that woman can read my mind
Or I’ve got an alarm tied to my behind
I’m getting so hungry, I could cry
Just a couple of pieces of Pizza pie
DON’T EVEN THINK IT
Damn it woman I’m wasting away
Don’t know if I’ll make it through another day
I’m so weak I’m on my knees
I’ll save myself with some chips and cheese
DON’T EVEN THINK IT
What would happen if I’d get sick and die
Then you’d have to stay home and cry
Now, because I don’t want to see you blue
I’m going to eat those donuts just for you
DON’T EVEN THINK IT
Now a salad bowl would be just the right fit
Ice cream, whipped cream, banana split
Some chocolate, strawberry going to make my day
Then I heard a voice behind me say
DON’T EVEN THINK IT.