Long Funnylife Poems
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Some things in life we face with gratification and anticipation,
Tho' other events we eye with trepidation and frustration!
For instance, we look forward to that long-awaited vacation,
But a visitation to the dentist we approach with hesitation!
A preacher pounds the pulpit preaching the merits of salvation.
Alas, his flock anticipates the potluck, ignoring his exhortation!
Most folks strive to live a moral life to avoid eternal damnation,
Hoping to dwell in the Promised Land upon their expiration!
Folks are smitten with admiration for a new administration,
But forsake party affiliation when faced with inflation and taxation!
Dreamy-eyed brides look forward to their wedding celebration,
Tho' grooms may have second thoughts about such an obligation!
New recruits are engrossed with the recruiter's orientation,
But learn all too late that it was just so much obfuscation!
Some desire a military career but soon come to the realization,
That it requires lots of perspiration with paltry compensation!
Workers look forward to retirement after a ho-hum occupation,
To fulfill their aspiration of procrastination and relaxation!
Whether we confront it with exhilaration or abject exasperation,
'Tis a phenomenal phenomenon, this thing called anticipation!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
if my life was upside down
i'd bump my head against the ground
i'd trip over ceiling fans
and i'd shake feet insted of hands
i wouldnt keep any pocket change
but i would keep a blood rushed brain
every smile would be a frown
living life upside down
life upside down would be a mess
confusing your right from my left
people would say bottoms up
but if i did i would spill my cup
it sure would be funny when friends came around
they wouldn't ask whats up?
they would sarcastically ask whats down
for those of you.....who wake up in bed
in the morning when i wake,.... i wake down insted
people always tell me to keep my head up high
i look at them with resentment and walk away and sigh
pictures never seem to stay when i hang them on the wall
being upside down they always seem to fall
i always have a hard time writing what i say
and when i use my pen the ink flows the other way
its funny how people complain about how life keeps them down
but they haven't experienced living life upside down
I've tried to make a list
Of the seven deadly sins
Now pay very close attention
To where this list begins
The number one sin
Much worse than them all
Is never marry a woman
Til you meet your mother-in-law
The number two sin
Is almost just as bad
Never say, "Who's the father?"
When you become a dad
The number three sin
Is probably very well known
Never forget your magazine
When going to the throne
The number four sin
Unless you've hidden the bat
Never tell your wife
She might be getting fat
The number five sin
When it's time to watch the super bowl
Never let your chick flick wife
Get the remote control
The number six sin
And this one I'll repeat
Before you leave the bathroom
Put down the toliet seat
The number seven sin
Last but certainly not least
Never tell you wife
Your paycheck has increased
If you commit just one of these
Not only will you fail
But life is over as you know it
For she'll make your life pure well, ( you know )
A fairytale's life is not easy
And yet they never complain
We read their many adventures
And they always entertain
Humpty dumpty sat on a wall
Well, you know this is gonna hurt
He broke in a million pieces
As he tumbled into the dirt
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
I don't even know what that is
Now all of you pay attention
For tomorrow they'll be a quiz
Then there's Little Red Riding Hood
Who took Granny something sweet
She didn't know the wolf was Granny
And looking for something to eat
Then we have Little Bo Peep
We all know what she did
Maybe the sheep weren't lost at all
But all of them maybe just hid
Well, this is the end of my poem
Did I mention Jack and Jill
I wish they'd get back with that water
Cause I'm not climbing that hill
So if you thought your life was hard
And the fairytale life looks great
It's time to tell your own story
And the rest of us just can't wait
The first thing to go is your eyesight
Then your appetite goes away
You feel like you're gonna be sick
Each and every day
Your hearing then betrays you
Just a horrible screaching sound
You hear it all the time
Even if no one's around
Your memory stays intact for now
But this could be a curse
Your already deaf, blind and sick
How could it get any worse
Sometimes, you even sit and stare
As drool runs down your chin
You pray that death comes quickly
So all your suffering will end
Your life no longer has meaning
You're just an empty shell
You try to forget all the nightmares
While living your own private hell
"What did I do to deserve this?"
You often ask yourself why
You think of the way things could have been
Then you hang your head and cry
This is the life that most men will live
Though it doesn't happen to all
But this was the way it was for me
When I first met my mother-in-law
Stories I could tell
Secrets I could share
Would shame the hearts of many
Gossiping words
Sordid affairs
I am blessed to hear plenty
One never knows
What secrets revealed
When thoughts of one receiving
This is a life
So many would covet
So many will never see
Tales of the rich
Scheming and trades
Loss of love and grievance
What many will do
At the price of a dime
Would shatter the hearts of millions
Yet I will never share
Words received in my care
Entrusted but never forgotten
My lot in this life
To carry the strife
Words of the smitten
So this is my job
Believe it or not
Secrets safe with me
There is no one to share
The tales that I hear
This life is haunting me
Until I run out of storage and life
Rely solely in my favor
The life of a phone
One hell of a load
Who says that jobs are easy
An Alien Reports Human Contact
A UFO pilot makes a report to his superiors about Earth.
By Elton Camp
The planet with bipedal life forms teems.
Their lives depend on an object, it seems.
It, in their possession, they always keep
Except not at the times when they sleep.
As soon as they begin to rove around,
It will emit a strange electronic sound.
To their ear opening they will it press.
And in speech sounds began to address.
Although it might seem rather odd,
It may be how they worship their god.
They talk a bit and then there’s a break.
Perhaps from their god instructions take.
A signal the life forms need not wait,
But communication can also initiate.
They enter numbers and press Send.
Once more, their worship may begin.
A planet with intelligence so low
Is no place that our race should go.
To come here, no profit can bring.
From them we can’t learn a thing.
I once underwent a very intensive intervention
during that period in my childhood known as teenage rebellion.
I had a session with a great motivational speaker
who claimed to live in a van down by the river.
"I very much like you did the things you now do,"
he said with a tone very harshly delivered,
"I'm now 35 years old, divorced and flat broke
and I live in a van down by the river.
You think you're all that, but I assure you you're not.
Live your life the way you are and you won't amount to jack squat!
You will end up being what you never ever considered,
busted broke just like me and living miserably in a van down by the river."
This man truly did save me from a life of misery,
because if not for he I would have never ever considered
how great life can be, as I now live my life so care free
in my van down by the river.
Mr. Georgy, Mr Porgy
Both were great friends in the field of apology.
Mr. Georgy frowned if questioned.
Mr. Porgy answered him with suggestion.
Both of them were ignorant in the beginning
But when they started studying they
found life very interesting.
Mr. Porgy learned in a few days
But when Mr. Georgy saw this he started losing his senses.
Mr. Porgy explained that some learn soon
and some learn slow.
Those of which learn slow
understand it thrice the more.
Sometimes lose and sometimes gain
For fantastic results we have to take some pain.
In a few days Mr. Georgy became popular in the city.
Mr. Porgy, Mr. Georgy both understood apology in reality.
One day both of them died out of heart attack narration,
Now they are in the heaven discussing
the happy- active life with attention.
The doctor said, “You are in tremendous health for a man of sixty years old.
Did your father live a long life himself before his days were told?”
“I’m sorry doctor, did I say he was dead? My father is still very much alive,
“In fact he’s living an active life as a man of eighty-five.”
“That’s wonderful,” said the doctor, “Great to hear, did his father live a long life too?”
“I’m sorry doctor, did I say he was dead? My grandfather is a hundred and two.”
“In fact,” I said, “He’s getting married tomorrow to a girl who is thirty three.
He satisfies her in many ways, including sexually.”
“Oh my gosh, why get married again, when you are a hundred and two?”
“I’m sorry doctor,” I repeated again, “Did I say he wanted to?”