Long Funnygod Poems
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Science classes in the sixties were different than they are now. While hippies
protested, science kept its calm. Matter was arranged in tidy molecules of
atoms with tiny electrons spinning around. Everything was in order and
could be predicted with a slide-rule. Sir Isaac Newton may have died in
1727, but he still got us got us to the moon and back.
Some two centuries or so after Sir Isaac, physicists, chemists, mathematicians,
statisticians, and who knows who else, got together and decided to go into
cosmology. The universe of Newton and Einstein was set on its random ear.
Quantum Mechanics was in, and became cooler than absolute zero.
Electrons started jumping randomly from one energy shell to another around
their bewildered nucleus, instead of circling like planets in an ordered,
predictable fashion. The constantly-changing universe the scientist saw
became a function of the moment in time the scientist observed it. Subatomic
particle-waves were discovered which could not decide whether
to be matter or energy. Space was not empty after all, but filled with darkmatter.
Everything was expanding. And now, string theorists talk about arallel universes!
It’s enough to give anyone a headache. A universe actually affected by
the onlooker’s looking? Empty space filled with unseen dark matter?
Matterenergy or energymatter? Parallel whats? Sorry, Dr. Einstein, but it’s
beginning to look like God may role dice with the universe after all.
I still want to believe, though, that God created the dice, and the odds, and
knows the outcome in advance. I know it sounds counter-counterintuitive,
but really now, how else could God risk the random nature of human choice
in a quantum mechanical cosmos? We’ve already changed our minds about
some pretty basic stuff.
Sometimes I think I’ll put all my energy into becoming a particle-antiparticle
pair. Then I can disappear in the mutual annihilation of both of me, and
take a break for a while. Oh, wait just a cosmic nanosecond . . . is mutual
self annihilation reversible?
Maybe I’ll just go out in the yard tonight and see if I can spot some of that
dark matter lurking around the stars.
The Television Evangelist
By Elton Camp
Every Sunday, be sure to go
To the old-time revival show
Strives to keep your devotion
By strong appeal to emotion
Suggests you are a sinner dire
Much in risk of hellish fire
Will show you how today
To escape, there is a way
First you truly must believe
Never allow Satan to deceive
There is something else to say
The reverend you must obey
Favor of this man of God
Will assure a heavenly nod
He’s right here every week
Authorized by God to speak
Lets you know he has had a call
To offer salvation to one and all
But his ministry could be lost
Due to all of his growing cost
That’s where you come in
So cough it up, my friend
You can’t afford not to give
So in heavens you can live
Tithe is the least you owe
So send along the dough
If to pay proves too hard
We will take Master Card
If you give us a larger amount
Untold blessings, you will count
Generosity God will sure repay
On that fearsome judgment day
We will gladly hug your neck
For your Social Security check
Please mail it on to our address
And in that way, love express
To those who will give enough
We mail back some holy stuff
Lock of the good reverend’s hair
To show how very much we care
Cross looks like made of gold
Since you did as you were told
Or to drive away all your fears
Small vial of the preacher’s tears
Those who show the love they bear
Will receive from us special prayer
But know any who dare to give less
Cannot expect us or God to bless
The sonorous voice of God woke Jonah from his siesta one fine day,
Saying, "Arise! Get ye to Nineveh and I'll brook no delay!
I've volunteered you to go there and preach in that wicked town,
The people are very unruly - they need a good dressing down!"
"No way!", said Jonah, astraddle his ass to Joppa, fleeing from the Lord!
"If I can find a ship sailing for Tarshish, I'll try to get aboard!"
He paid his fare, went below and promptly went to sleep,
Just as the Lord caused a great tempest to come upon the deep!
The ship was in great peril - the captain shook Jonah awake.
"Hey, dude, call upon your God - see if He will calm this lake!"
Lots were cast to sort out their plight - Jonah drew the short straw.
The crew heaved him overboard and he landed in a whale's maw!
For three days and three nights he cruised about in this condition,
Praying, "Lord, I'll do anything! Deliver me from this perdition!"
The Lord heard him and brought his misery to a pleasant end,
Commanding the whale to regurgitate and deposit him on dry land!
Now this "whale" of an experience converted old Jonah,
And he vowed to the Lord he'd assume a new persona.
He scampered to Nineveh to offer a choice vis-a-vis heaven or hell!
The Lord blessed him, saying, "My boy, you did extremely well!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(© All Rights Reserved)
AND GOD GAVE HIM A WOMAN
When God first made the man,
He said,"What have I done?
He just sits there alone,
He's not having much fun.
I want all of My creatures,
To enjoy their life.
I know what I'll do,
I'll create him a wife."
So God set to work,
And He put him to sleep,
And as he slumbered,
The Lord dug down deep;
From his heart at the center,
He took the first part,
"She'll be filled with emotion,
She willl be his heart;
The thing in this world,
That he loves the most,
He'll love her and keep her,
In her will he boast."
From under his arm,
He next took a rib,
From a place in his side,
Near the lungs where it hid,
Protected from harm,
And the wind and the rain,
"He'll lean on her,
Should he come up lame;
For she is his helpmate,
Companion for him,
When he's tired or sad,
She'll comfort him."
When Adam awoke,
And saw her at his side,
He smiled as God told him,
"Here is your bride."
"She's the prettiest thing,
That I`ve ever seen,
But it`s funny you know,
Of a sudden it seems,
I can no longer stand,
So I better sit down,
She can get what I need,
It`s good she`s around.`
Judy Ball
(And that`s the way it`s been ever since)
Just happy every morning when I wake up alive
Wiggle me toes, see to see if my feet still have feeling
Thank The Good Lord and send the Devil a "Go To Hell" card
Guess I made it through another day and did survive
And giving me another reason for being
Maybe getting old, but no use to take it hard
Crawl out if bed and try stand up
Navigate to where I left the kitchen last night
Pray to God there is some coffee
Takes forever, but i am ready for a cup
Or there might be a pretty good fight
Three cups for sure, then I will be able to see
Check the mail and all the bills are on time'
When my knees go to hurting, know that is going to rain
When it goes to clouding up, go inside and let her rip
Seems like they know how to get every dime
All the medicine I take, is WD-40 just for the pain
Teeth all accounted for, thanks to Poly-Grip
When my belly goes to growling, it is time to eat
When I go to sweating, then I stand in the shade
When the Sun goes down, Thank God for another creation
Grab me a cup of coffee, take me a easy seat
Another day is done and I hope all of my dues are paid
No candles or cake, everyday is a celebration
Form:
I woke, it was dark and some thing was on my face,
I tried to move my arms but found my self in a confined place.
My head was spinning and I felt sick
I think I was drugged and someone was playing a bad trick
I heard a noise but could make out what it could be
I lay there wondering what was happening to me
Who could have done this, I couldn’t think of a reason why
I started to pray, “O God please don’t let me die.”
I felt the lid “O God I’m in a wooden box.”
They going to bury me naked just wearing me socks.
Then I heard the sound, a chain saw, they were trying to start.
I began to panic, I was frightened, chest pains, I think it’s my heart.
Terrified my bowels flowed free
It’s ok I thought that the last thing I’ll leave them from me
I began to whimper still trying to figure out who and why
And praying louder “O God please don’t let me die.”
Then I heard my wife, she’s in with them I thought until she said,
“I told you not to drink, now come out from under the bed.”
once while planning to take a picture
i thought about how i could
get God to pose
of course i could use a distingushing suit
but for a picture with God
a suit is of little use
then i thought of the obvious
a wonderful plan
i would take a picture with
Gods word in my hand
still as of yet
i have not posed for that picture
but at times i ponder pleasantly
on when i'll take the picture
until one day
it was cruelly exposed
i already had a picture of God
and just didn't know
pulling down the sun vissor
inside my truck
a cut out picture of
Allanis Morrisette
she played God in a movie called
"Dogma"
it frightened me at first
for obvious reasons
but when i think of God
i think that this is the kind of joke
he would play
so, allanis morrisette will stay
i will not worship her
or say that she is God
but when ever i see that picture
i'll see a picture of God
Useless Things
Parasites are useless
By definition
Mere takers
Not givers
Why then
Did God create them
Mosquito’s are useless
An annoying itching blood sucking nuisance
So then
For what obscure and Godly purpose
Do you think God created them
Was it because we could take pleasure in killing them
Because I do
One less Mosquito in the world
One less Mosquito to bite you
Don’t tell me it’s the Devils work
A mere fallen angel could not conceive
Of all the living detailed intricacies
For blue printing a Mosquito
But still it’s a peculiar notion
Tapeworms, tics and fleas
Bed bugs and sawflies
And all their other parasitic families
In the great and grand Natures plan of things
What possible intention
Was behind their invention
They’re useless
Just an annoyance
For what incomprehensible divinities purpose
Does a Mosquito
Comprehend
“My God” said St. Peter “how neat
A donkey head for trick or treat!
Just two feet? I want more!”
So god gave him four
off he ran hee-haw bleat!
There Gabriel stood with his horn
He said God I really am bored!
With a poof he’s reborn
With a tail and a horn
For tonight Gab’s gone unicorn!
“Well, Heavens!” Said Beelzebub
“Now ain’t this a fine rub-a-dub!
“Can I play?”
“YES YOU MAY!”
and poof he’s an apple in tub!
Yes, God is a Hall-o-ween gaffer
And the night rang out with HIS laughter
Ghosts genuflect as they fly
Vamp’s morph to good guys
And Hosts raised a toast to hereafters!