Long Funnycat Poems
Long Funnycat Poems. Below are the most popular long Funnycat by PoetrySoup Members. You can search for long Funnycat poems by poem length and keyword.
***Crazy Menagerie***
I definitely bit off more than I could chew,
when I came a-running to my friend's rescue
He said it was no big deal, a real snooze actually
to just please, please look after his cutie menagerie
He said everything was pretty much self-explanatory
just feel at home, and relax...he sure was being sneaky!
I thought the word "menagerie" was just an exaggeration,
but goodness me, I almost fainted when I was greeted by a python!
He just lay there by the foyer, quite snug as a bug on the rug
So I carefully stepped over it, and planned to make tea for my mug
I headed to the kitchen, when I heard something go squeak! squeak!
What was that? I wondered, then I let out a bloodcurdling shriek!
It flew right over my head, yikes, another one got me all panicky
My eyes bugged out as I realized that he had a couple of paniki*!!
I went rushing out the kitchen and ran straight into an aquarium
No cool fishies here, just mousies out of equilibrium
They were jumping up and down now, trying to escape
when I heard a suspicious grunt, it sounded like an ape!!
I was so scared to search for it, but curiosity won out
So I opened doors and cabinets, when I ran smack into a snout!
Ewwwww, I just realized that I just kissed an ugly pig!
I then remembered he kept one to go on truffle digs!
He said he had a cat though? Where were the common pets?
Ah, there it is; here, kitty, kitty, when I saw it was a ferret!
It was doing this weird dance, it hopped then bumped into me
I wigged out, then stepped right on the tail of that poor kitty!!
It lunged at me and I fell back onto aquarium glass
of course it had to teeter totter and I was too late, alas!!
It just hit the marble floor, then I heard that sickening crash
Mousies all over me!!! Shook my head till I got whiplash
The cat was now scratching me, I was screaming 'till my throat was sore,
This was a total nightmare, that snake was blocking that damn door!!
My eyes were like leaking faucets, I had thick tears, I didn't know?
When I wiped off my cheeks, I found out it was icky guano!!
Boohoo, sniffle, snuffle--am I never getting out of here?!?
Dang Chris says he'll be back in a week, will just drown myself in beer.
* paniki=bats
** for Sharon's Pet-sit Panics contest
Mum really likes her Moggy.
The cats her pride and joy.
I swear to God it"s pampered,
much more than US her boys!
The cat it understands this,
and goes out of its way.
To suck up to my Mother,
at least ten times a day!
It really makes me jealous,
so much i gotta mention.
That cat gets on my wick.
Commanding Mums attention.
So i devised a plan,
to get a little pay back.
The best form of defence
is to go on the attack!
A family "DO" was coming.
It really made me think.
A chance for some revenge.
there"s gonna be some Drink!
The big night it arrived.
My plans were put in place.
I acted all polite,
angelic round the face.
The Party in full swing.
I borrowed Gordons Gin,
and poured it in cats bowl.
The one beside the bin.
I added the full cream.
The cat could not resist.
He lapped and lapped relapsed!
By now he was well pissed!
He threw up in the kitchen.
He threw up in the hall.
My plan was on its way,
he was heading for a fall!
I lifted Moggy up,
then opened up the door,
and promptly put him down,
upon the living room floor.
He staggered round about.
It really was a shame,
poor old Mr Moggy,
he was really out the game.
My Mothers jaw just dropped.
As Moggy took a pee,
in front of all the guests
atop the new settee.
Yes revenge is best served cold.
What else can i say.
Poor old Mr Moggy,
it just was not his day!
I said the first thing in my head.
I know it was a sin.
But i couldn"t help but say,
"Look what the cat drank in!"
Here's another story about my granny
And, of course, it's always true
What kind of question is that?
Do you think I'd lie to you?
You see, my granny had this problem
That our family tried to keep hidden
She was a compulsive sleep walker
What do you mean?, no, I'm not kiddin'
Well, the first time it ever happened
I was sick with the chicken pox
I woke up early, when I found my granny
Standing at the neighbor's mailbox
They say, "Don't ever wake a sleep walker"
But you know me, I tried it
I brought her in and sit her down
And when I woke her, she denied it
Now, she was as mad as a hornet
She said, "What was I doing outside?"
Well, there was only one thing to do
Yep, you guessed it, "I lied"
I made up some cockamamie story
About a cat that was stuck in a tree
And how that she was some kinda hero
For helping that cat get free
Well, I think my granny bought it
The whole hook, line and sinker
What?... don't look at me like that
I had to be a really fast thinker
She said, "Okay get back to bed"
While I go and check on the cat
Don't judge me now, I lied again
I said, "I really don't know where I'm at"
Well, she thought I was delerious
After all, I was mighty sick
Okay, I know, enough already
I guess, it was a dirty trick
Anyway, that's my story
And there's plenty more stories to tell
Next time, I'll tell you the one
About my granny waking up in jail
Oft' I wonder what my cat Simba thinks behind that baleful stare.
Is he planning roguery or just building castles in the air?
Perhaps he's reviewing strategies for catching a bird to devour.
Here's what I sense goes on behind his condescending glower!
I 'puuur'ceive he's thinking, "Hey, remove yourself from my chair!
Who said you could sit there - that's my favorite lair!
Will you at least make room on your very ample lap,
So I can curl up and take my usual afternoon nap?"
Many times he glares at me and emits a plaintive 'meow'.
I'm sure he's thinking, "Hey, pal, ain't it time for chow?"
He stalks about the house as if it was his sole domain,
Thinking, "I guess I'll benevolently allow you to remain!"
With soulful eyes he invites me to scratch behind his ears.
If I try to comb his coat, "Oh no you don't!" and he disappears!
Sprawling upon the window sill he gazes across the street,
Eyeing the Persian cat, thinking, "Meeee-Wow! Her I'd like to meet!"
When he begins to purr and 'puuur'sistently rubs against my feet,
He's probably thinking, "Hey, old buddy, how about a treat?"
My cat thinks, "He's not a bad sort, him I can tolerate.
He provides my grub - furthermore, with him I can communicate!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 1 in Francine Roberts' "Pick A Pet" Contest - July 2011
So innocent was the little kitty,
Who came to my door that I took pity
On this helpless little thrown away.
I vowed he would see a better day.
Boxes of litter and bags of feed,
A covered box for this cat in need.
Then it’s off to the vet to be rid of fleas,
Ear mites and other such pests as these.
I laid out quite a big roll of money,
And then what happened you might think funny.
The cat after seeing that big outlay
Knew that for sure he was here to stay.
That rascal did a big turn around,
The naughtiest cat that ever was found.
He gnaws on my feet and pulls on my gown.
Pulls every page of my manuscript down.
He chews and scatters it on the floor.
And doesn't care if I rant and roar.
Every low table has been denuded
And every houseplant has been uprooted.
He’s broken so many breakables
And my lingerie pieces are takeables.
My arms and legs are covered with scratches.
My clothes will soon be full of patches.
He likes to play with collectables
And taste of my delectibles.
No surface so high that he can’t reach.
No law of the house he doesn’t breach.
He knocks over lamps just to see them shatter,
But somehow it really doesn’t matter,
For the truth is I am really smitten
With this adorable, bedeviling, lovable kitten
Why the Cat Purrs
There once was a Persian Pussycat
Who always loved to pounce
He relished skittering, squeaking mice
That he munched on by the ounce
One day a mouse named Mortimer
Cried: “I’m no tasty treat!
You’ll surely hate my bones and fur
Sticking in your teeth!”
“So Percival, please be merciful
Have a heart - reconsider – do!
Even a fine feline like yourself
Loathes a messy meal – don’t you?”
“Little mousy morsel purr-haps you’re right”
His Royal Percyness said
“In fact, purr-suade me, impurr-tinent pal
Make me spare your life instead”
As the cat settled down and fluffed his ruff
Morty’s sweat began to run
Mr. P flashed his beautiful azure eyes
You could tell he was having fun
“All cats love chicken and beef” said the mouse
“It’s so easy to open up tins!
Say – you could lie on a beach all day
Ingesting fish with great big fins!”
“As if I would deign to get sand in my coat”
Besides, I already eat those”
I’ve had dinner, but guess who'll be dessert?”
Then swallowed Morty from head to toes
Every breed of cat is purr-fectly content
Chasing and playing with its prey
They have their mouse and eat it too
That’s purr-petually their way
Entry for the Cat Tails Contest by Constance La France
The 3 Little Kittens who lost their mittens
I hope you don't believe that stuff
They only told you part of the story
But they just didn't tell you enough
You see, those 3 kittens were on parole
For knocking over a catnip store
They already had plenty at home
But those greedy cats wanted more
Those mittens were to hide their paw prints
So they couldn't be identified
They told their mom they wanted to play
But the kittens just plain out lied
They'd heard about a shipment of catnip
That was coming in that same day
The mittens was to make for certain
They didn't leave behind DNA
The Mama cat knew something was up
When the kittens began to whisper
She thought, "If they won't tell me their secret
Then maybe they'll tell their sister"
She called out for her daughter
To try to find out the truth
The sister cat was an honest cat
I think we're gonna call her Ruth
Anyway, Ruth started prying for answers
Til she got them kittens to confess
She told her mama what the secret was
And the mama cat done the rest
She found those 3 kitten's mittens
And she tossed them in the fire
That's what happened to the 3 kitten's mittens
So please don't call me a liar
Remember that cat named Garfield?
You know, that big ole lazy cat?
He slept all day, eatin' nothing but lasagna
Til he woke up one day fat
Well, did you know he was a secret agent?
Yep, he worked for the C. I. A
See, no one would ever suspect a cat
And they just wouldn't try to get away
He was a real cool cat, as cool cats go
Nothing like that fake, "James Bond"
See, Garfield traveled all over the world
Even to England, you know across the pond?
He had some real cool gadgets too
That was hidden inside his paws
That cat even had a death ray
But only if he extended his claws
They didn't have to pay him money either
Lasagna, was his only price
See, there's a reason, that's all he'd ever eat
Cause he was just to fat to catch mice
Garfield was also popular with the ladies
It was something about his tail
But, see, that wasn't the only reason
He'd share his lasagna as well
Well, that's my story, he's retired now
They say he just got too fat
But before I go, there's just one more thing
Do you like my drawing of a cat?
,,,=^..^=,,, Meow