Long Deprive Poems
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Why me father/daughter relationship
important to this papa
Fourteen and a half years
since death of mother (mine),
nary one iota of communication
in general and compassion
in particular while
she lived, now wears
heavy and yokes
mantle fostering tears
indirectly sabotaging rapport
with eldest daughter
futility doth arise uttering
feeble secular prayers,
cuz interaction with mother,
whose vehemence more
deafening than banshee killdeers
exceeding threshold of
decibels tolerable these ears.
Now comeuppance came
full family circle, yes
that's her within picture frame,
when young, innocent, and beautiful,
decades before terminal
illness rendered her
incapacitated and lame.
Her second of
three born offspring,
and yours truly
that singular boy
figuratively tethered himself
to her apron strings,
which near omnipotent
biochemical bond her
rancor would destroy,
when lonesome son
failed to employ
purported adult responsibilities
solitary without any
even one homeboy
never knowing how
to maximize potential
rather totally tubular at loss
advantageously to deploy
supposed ducks in a row
always imp pond
durable feeling cast ahoy
shore lee within alien nation,
whereby village people
observe an exceptionally
unresponsive immovable
lad - qua zee decoy
analogous to stonewall,
albeit socially withdrawn
emotionally, physically,
and socially retracting
exhibiting no joy,
nor any audible,
tactile or visible life
stockstill like an
abandoned broken toy.
Silence spoke volumes mainly
I don't wanna be alive
antithetical to that basic
instinct to survive
protestations arose deliberately
minus figurative parachute,
I took kamikaze nosedive
a couple years after two times five
orbitz astride planet Earth
ne'er did amity, comity,
fraternity ever jive,
nope not even pleasant hello
would fake deaf/mute contrive
interaction between kith and kin
affection toward parents
and siblings (two sisters,
not twisted) I did deprive,
whence fast forward decades later,
a metaphorical wedge would drive
roughshod o'er kinship,
when fatherhood did arrive
though "star student" did connive
him (me) to test discomfort zones,
yet more often than not inclusive
integration abandoned among
linkedin with kindling explosive
smoldering volcano found
wicked volatility expressive.
Early/mid afternoon May 22nd, 2020...
Raindrops percolate Perkiomen Valley watershed
pleasant reprieve versus quite warm temperatures
yesterday found yours truly averse attempting re:
ding outside, the secluded alcove visible looking
thru single bedroom window here, once upon time
former Schwenksville Elementary School, now re:
purposed Highland Manor apartment alphanumeric
unit B44, 2day precipitation lightly palpitating terra
firma quenching thirsty flora and fauna donning viz
age fifty plus shades of lush green meteorological
regular phenomena offsets prospect where drought
would deprive biota requisite liquid nourishment
speculation June, July, and August promise triple
digits essentially forcing creature comfort ala air
conditioning as climate control to weather extreme
hot temperatures linkedin with global warming, a
grim prospect lately tempered courtesy coronavirus
COVID-19 inexplicably temporarily giving respite
the Earth atmosphere purportedly less toxic since
countless manifold modes of industrial production
lockdown subjected since employees in quarantine
to thwart contagion infecting adjacent areas, thus
impacting transportation hub, no substantial traffic
most rerouted thru information superhighway data
bits and bytes sent to and fro, hither and yon, until
"green light" signalled for businesses to reorient
themselves to alternate paradigm, hoop fully more
eco friendly less dependent upon fossil fuels, where
greenhouse gases deplete ozone layer compromising
delicate balance offset severely trending toward by
Yoda - star wars pitched battles witnessing galactic
empires armed 2 teeth with supersonic weapons mass
destruction spelling demise of human civilization
think brinkmanship whereby within eyeblink en-
tire realm encompassing eastern, western, northern
southern, brethren and cistern multifarious legacies
snuffed out without a trace extinguishing gamut of
living things great and small, perchance world wide
web overtaken with radiation resistant critters, an
unrecognizable changing of the guard when no pry
mates abled (Cain not) wrest control against giant
size carnivorous entities deliciously feast carrion
until nothing but lovely bleached (bomb shelled)
bones scattered across the pock marked terrestrial
landscape - mush room 4 opportunistic organisms.
Since childhood,
as alexithymia struck my soul.
I kept all my hopes a secret,
hidden in a bucket of unshared dreams.
I kept my soul sweet like marshmallows,
but life has finally caught up with me,
Like a fast car overtaking recklessly,
leaving me behind in the slow lane -
and I'm running out of fuel.
I'm a vehicle of flashbacks from flashlights,
fatigued from embracing the old,
preparing for freshly brewed emotions.
Yet they deprive me at every dawn,
as new beginnings are always challenging.
Suffocating in this silent selcouth slumber,
life tries to call my bluff, when it knows,
I am the master of my masquerade.
My soul pleads with fate to usher me with belief,
but I can see death at my doorstep,
creating intrusive insecurities like termites,
eating away at branches of my sanity,
feeding upon my ordained Orphic glory.
Emotions are an interior mechanism,
so many remain fooled by my exterior,
but I'm tired of searching for salvation.
You who claim to love me,
gift me a scented candle made with your hands,
so its sentimental scent can bring me peace.
Take me to a place without a name,
without a label,
without judgment -
without suffering.
Unchain me from jeapordising January jitters.
Free me from meandering in misty meadows,
which have misplaced me in foggy morning sunshine -
bring me clarity.
These are not random thoughts, random poems,
because my ink is tired from trying to find new metaphors,
to supplement an abundance of alliterations,
portraying humble happy horizons.
Love can be a false emotion,
when we yearn for reciprocal ravishing redamancy,
but when was love ever equal or even fair?
I have no resolutions, just to breathe with ease.
Sometimes love's presence made me feel aesthetic,
but sometimes a badly drawn self portrait.
You can stay or leave, but do come back,
hold on, but not too tight that it chains my wings.
When I ascend, please, miss me,
so my spirit flies back to you.
Can you not see the irony?
We accumulate many reasons to die,
but search for only one reason to live.
Ask yourself which oxymoron are you?
Dying to live or living to die?
*Alexithymia
A person's inability to recognise or describe ones own emotions
* Redamancy
a love returned in full; an act of loving the one who loves you; the act of loving in return
Further qualities of the King* the THIRUK-KURAL lauds: IRAMAADTCHI - Canto 39, K381 and K382
[*modern-day "kings": presidents, prime and chief ministers, governors, dictators and the like; K381 & K382 have already been posted.]
K383: thuungkaamai kalvi thunivudaimai immuuntrum
niingkaa nilanaal pavarkku
A sleepless promptitude, knowledge, decision strong:
These three for aye [sic] to rulers of the land belong. (Transl. G.U. Pope)
These three things, viz., vigilance, learning, and bravery, should never be wanting in the ruler of the country. (Transl. Drew & Lazarus)
Not being lulled to sleep, always acquiring knowledge and fearlessly assuming the lead - these three qualities crown the king of a country. (Transl. T. Wignesan)
K384: aranilukkaathu allavai* niikki
maran*ilukkaa maanam* udaiyathu arasu
[* "allavai" = sins, evils, unreal things; "maran" = bravery; "maanam" = honour]
Kingship, in virtue failing not, all vice restrains,
In courage failing not, it honour's grace maintains. (Transl. G.U. Pope)
He is a king who, with manly modesty, swerves not from virtue, and refrains from vice. (Transl. Drew & Lazarus)
Always virtuous, eschewing evil, heroic in deed and honour-bound - of such mettle the sovereign should be.* (Transl. T. Wignesan)
[* Which leader in our world embodies the dictates (and constraints) in this maxim? One often goes to war for seemingly righteous causes, sacrificing foot-soldier lives in order to fill some "cartel's" private coffers; or one might endeavour to boost the growth rate by half a dozen % points only to draw the polar ice-caps down on our children's heads and throats; one might build the finest sky-scrapers of the future megalopolises on the slave-wages of indentured immigrant labour only to deprive them of human rights in the name of the Supreme Creator; one might nonchalantly let city-centres choke in the fumes of carbon monoxide and let human excreta pile up on the roadsides in the name of cultural and spiritual enhancement through the pomp of rallies and manifestations on a grand scale and for what? - to keep the soul purified? - while the "kings" of spiritual development rely still on the divine right to rule the poor bugger down below, conditioned by words from the cradle! ] T. Wignesan, June 29, 2017
© T. Wignesan - Paris, 2017
Telling "White Lies"
My mother got born November
thirteenth, nineteen hundred thirty five
within poverty stricken household
of Canarsie, Brooklyn, the youngest
(most mollycoddled) of four siblings,
experienced grinding poverty, no
matter maternal grandfather (Moishe
Kuritsky), a tailor he lacked drive
(and felt neutral about stitching
together gainful employment)
to support his family two parents +
remainder offspring, he helped sire
lacked positive role models, none the
less gumption taught her to strive
at tender age livid with rage to escape
caricature living poor, thus sought
employment when/wherever sheik hood
if necessary fibbed to survive
plus rash of healthy nurturing, and
absolute zero constraints, perhaps five
or thereabout years old attested
much later, suspected her papa did jive
with unspeakable improper behavior
(nobody dare discuss taboo issues),
yet intuition awoke within immoral
conclusion Harriet Kuritsky did arrive,
and perhaps resorted to stretching
the truth (fibbing a "white lie") the only
recourse available plied sweet innocence
knowing little or nothing about birds
feathering their nest, nor little about
buzzfeeding activity in beehive
naivete flirtatious coyness advantage worked,
I bet young thang did connive
and probably never did contemplate,
deliberate, generate and wrongdoing,
where mother of necessity spurred
angelic demureness strategy to contrive
securing bare necessities, hence fast
forward, when unsolicited advice given
to this sole son, or either sibling, (an older
& younger sister) tactics upbringing did deprive
ma mum of positive role models, hence
only blueprint to acquire essential needs
serendipitous series of unfortunate events
before Lemony Snicket did derive
school of hard knocks, (I do believe
formerly called Abraham Lincoln High)
rather than impugn, judge, revile, et cetera
kernels/nuggets of wisdom memory did revive
within my mind for rhyme, nor reason
blunt honesty, not always best policy
despite ten commandments
to husbands with many a wive.
Life lesson learned meant blurred line
between mendacity and truth
courtesy upbringing mommy dearest
if repeatedly drummed into me noggin
brutal honesty will bring nothing but bupkis,
or if you prefer the Yiddish spelling bobkes.
A little boy sits alone, with a world before him to explore
soon this boy grows up, not that same little boy as before
when reaching adulthood, feeding his curiosity becomes his goal
but he has not yet learned, true wisdom to maintain that control
Now a young teenager in a crowd, he senses he’s different and feels sad
so he inquires of others, and is given answers that to him just don't add
not long after this young man marries, happy and with a family of his own
he becomes overwhelmed with this depression, and feels like he is all alone
The challenges of marriage were too much, on him taking their toll
reaching that point many of us get to, he begins searching his soul
in time a transformation takes place, a degree of serenity he finds
his life slowly becomes focused, confidence and belief now shines
How many of us at one time or another, fall into this melancholy and start to wonder
is it possible that we were so deaf and blind, unaffected even from the noise of
thunder
all our lives heaven sent us those messages and signs, to wake us, from this our
slumber
yet we chose to satisfy our materialistic desires, priorities on our list, each with a
number
Skeptics and scoffers evade the logic of their folly, ignoring the truth hidden from
within
unwilling to change their ways, acknowledging this truth means having to admit
their sin
they err lacking the knowledge, G-d does not treat us severely when we repent
while alive
but if we fail to mend our ways, love and forgiveness, for ourselves alone do we
deprive
I learned this lesson myself many years ago, praying for direction from the One
above
never again to put my faith in man, I was rewarded with the wisdom of truth my
true love
wisdom is within the reach of all, patiently awaiting those willing to drink and draw
near
with but one condition which all must follow, to acquire true wisdom, sin you must
fear
Where there is fear of sin, there is enlightenment, and wisdom has a place to call
home
without fear you cannot control yourself, unhindered, your evil inclination is free to
roam
your hopes and desires they can really be achieved, but remember to always remain
true
that road to ultimate happiness, is to acquire that wisdom, a gift understood by so
few
i saw you standing next to a wall
keen i've seen you
collected dark shy
wiry tall
so i picked you up
took you home
you just wanted someone to hold
that's what you told me
so i was onto you from the start
knew right away
you'd pull and pick me apart
i've got a cast iron around my heart
from days before i knew so well
guys like you
they made life hell
and tears of sorrow
in my eyes swell
and oh i know it's just as well
you'll get yours someday
this is getting old
outsold again and again old
just temporary
ordinary me
i can't make you hang around
i'll throw myself away
just look at me
my misery
a non-stop flow
since infancy
temporary
ordinary me
one night
ruined everything that's al right
i did not request a ring
anyway
not much left to say
it's all over and done with
should've been
could've been
would've been
more prepared
this time a little harder to read
your wants and my needs
you were a catch but i don't care
you only wanted someone to have fun with
then run away
flashing your dashing
doting, taunting, grin
i quit playing this impossible game
no stakes to claim
they're just too high
and i never win
just temporary
ordinary me
i can't make you hang around
i'll throw myself away
just look at me this tragedy
it started with your flattery
just temporary
ordinary me
i found it's better i'm alone
i got a grip
handle it
no waiting for the phone
to say your name
i keep on i write words
that speak my regret and my shame
there is nothing good
guys like you bring
girls like me
just deprive me
drive me kicking and screaming back to square one in a self-medicating
therapy it's over me
and under me i'm done with writing poetry
to get on forget
get over it and let
it roll on and just be gone
because you don't suffer
like i do
half my fault for trusting in
you
just temporary
ordinary me
i can't make you hang around
or stop you when you stray
just look at me
miss fancy free
you smooth talked it
right from under me
and held me close
and kissed me right
with eyes glued shut
i closed mine tight
but now i quit
put my foot down
i swear to it
i'm passionate
i'm not temporary
far from ordinary
you're deaf and dumb
and lost if you can't see
this new a little wiser version
of me.
Form:
April 4 Relationship to God Bible Meditations Based on 2Kings 1-4
Key Verse –2Kings 1:6 And they said unto him, There came a man up to meet us, and said unto us, Go, turn again unto the king that sent you, and say unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Is it not because there is not a God in Israel, that thou sendest to enquire of Baalzebub the god of Ekron? therefore thou shalt not come down from that bed on which thou art gone up, but shalt surely die.
LORD GOD, YOU ARE MY ENQUIRY RESPONDER
Lord God, You are my enquiry Responder with Your “Thus saith the Lord”
Thank You for answering me with Your sure Word
As You gird my faith by Your Spirit’s sword…
I come to You along Your righteous record.
Lord God, You are my enquiry Responder with Your truth so precious
Thank You for affirming to me Your mercy that’s so gracious
As You hold my reactions in Your peace, making me divinely conscious…
I live for you, and by Your guidance, become persistently conscientious.
Lord God, You are my enquiry Responder with Your heavenly wisdom
Thank You for approving me of my ministry-mantle in Your kingdom
As You meet my needs always, not seldom…
I look up to You in climbing maturity’s mount along Your granted freedom.
Lord God, You are my enquiry Responder with Your life-building reign
Thank You for ascertaining to me Your compassion without strain
As You discipline my rebellion in Your chastisement’s terrain…
I go up to You, departing from wilderness, causing me to drain.
Lord God, You are my enquiry Responder with Your call for deliverance
Thank You for assuring me Your presence along Your forbearance
As You fill my soul through Your faithfulness-appearance…
I rise up toward You, along my indignation against my ignorance.
Lord God, You are my enquiry Responder with Your continual calling
Thank You for asserting to Your purposeful plan-fulfilling
As You embrace my heart against fleshly cooling…
I lean on You, laying to You my all along Your kind dealing.
Lord God, You are my enquiry Responder with Your encouraging drive
Thank You for arresting me of my humanistic craving to thrive
As You smite my pride so I can humbly strive…
I stay in You, believing that Your love for me does not deprive.
April 4, 2023
VERSE 1
We were young and strong, We were only kids when we started striving
At 8 I left my parents for friends, together we voiced the streets paving ways for a future we know nothing about
Endangering our lives, being addicts to some substance
An attack on one of us, is an attack on all of us, was our attitude
Taking risk our parents was unaware of, making moves hoping would brighten our future after being in the dark since birth.
CHORUS
THE TRENCHES is not for the weak but the strong
What one generation tolerates, the next generation embrace
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls;
The most massive characters are seared with scars
We are the alchemist of pain, wielding the power of divinity
to transmute suffering into strengths.
VERSE 2
It's a resolution for greatness, that was our theme or motor
That spirits birthed in us kept us going, even when we were at the edge of relenting.
So many times we prayed but still have to wait for an answer
We cried for help, excuses was our answers.
But we cannot simply sit and stare at our wounds forever
CHORUS....
VERSE 3
Religious war have taken the lives of many, all in the name of money and supremacy, while my parents keeps telling me oneness.
The Governments don't bothers, they keep on showing supremacy
Looting and deceits is their agendas
While my parents keeps telling democracy, the system is not for the TRENCHES
CHORUS....
VERSE 4
Nowadays youths had gone crazy, they only do what is instant gratifying
Men of integrity are now slaves, to men of dishonesty
People always looking for ways to survive, so many now lives in trauma
Because of a future filled with uncertainty
We forget to fully live in the present, unaware that, what deprived us from fulling living now
Would also deprive us from fulling living in the future, from pains to pains, day by day.
CHORUS....
VERSE 5
We walked side by side, having each others backs, with love stronger than fear
Telling ourselves life is stronger than death, even when we know death is inevitable
With our hope stronger than despair, taking risks so we can thrive
Unaware of the enemy within, within our cycle there's another
Plotting our ruin, just to to take our place, but glad discernment was our guard.
CHORUS....
Perche Sono me II.
I interact with the blues because I feel sad and I am alone.
The blues are an expression of my internal feelings.
My biological needs and psychological needs are in a constant state of dueling.
My biological needs are pulsating.
My psychological needs are in a strong state of defense.
My biological needs are very powerful.
They want to spring a new bio.
So powerful that it hurts the three components of my life.
It feels like only a visit from the reaper could make them go away.
These needs are powerful and must not win.
You ask me “why don’t you just follow your biological needs?”
Why do you continue to deprive your body of what it wants?
Would you deprive it of food and water?
Truthfully, I am conscious and will not follow in the footsteps of some of my friends in
the past. I do not want to make the same decisions that they made and realize my
mistake(s). My biological needs will not deprive me.
I deprive my body of these needs because I must continue to go forward. A short
break of a few minutes may end up as a divine comedy for a long time with no smiles.
Food and water are vital to the sustained notion of life. Procreation and non-
procreation in a sexual environment are ok, but it is not meant to be the controller of
life.
My psychological needs are more important to me.
Self-esteem & self-actualization are at the top of the pyramid.
My physiological needs are at the bottom
Praise Allah for Maslow
My mind is more important than my body
My mind wants me to go forward and never give up.
I must follow my dreams and not the wishes of the undercroft.
Finally, I say to all of you this is the reason why I am single
I want to be with someone that connects with me and I with them.
I am not looking for an easy person.
Too many of the doves are brown and sound like quails.
I am looking for my white dove with the voice of the hawk and the majestic tranquility
and beauty of an eagle in all its beauty.
I have not found my phoenix.
I will not die because I live.
“Cowards die many times but the valiant taste death once.” These are the words of
Julius Caesar to his wife Calperna.
With this quote in mind I will move forward and I will do it my way.
Maslow was and is still right.