I have never seen a puddle jumper with such glee
You have to introduce us, or at least tell me
What is his name? Who can this creature be?
He’s some kind of squirrel, said my Aunt Tee.
I thought you had them all named I said to her.
I used to, but there are so many, my count is not pure.
It might be Jed, Zed, Zeke, Twit or ****.
He is enjoying the rain today more than the cat.
Sure, she’s a bit bawdy but loads of fun
at the old folk’s home, she makes men run
we other women like to see the males flee
then we can get prissy for afternoon tea
she scares me says an old coot named Jed
opinioned and bossy, agrees my cousin Ned
her ideas are outlandish said another male
Giggles waft out of the sunroom; we all love Gale.
My lame-ass lips can't even draw
McDonalds milkshake through a straw:
and if I must
run for the bus,
I take an oxygen inhaler.
You like your house? I rent a trailer.
But yell it through the loudest-hailer:
I kissed Leila!
Some lucky guy looks like George Clooney,
while I resemble Mickey Rooney.
I'm such a shmuck,
if vampires suck,
then call me Vlad the (Bad) Impaler!
I guard my dough? Like a drunken sailor.
But study this at Yale, or Baylor:
I kissed Leila!
I'll never win that Golden Globe
for lounging in a silken robe
like Errol Flynn,
appearing in
a bedroom scene with young Liz Taylor:
my books won't sell like Norman Mailer:
my jokes are rustier and staler
than ol' Jed Clampett's cotton baler:
I'm a no-mark, lamester, loser, failer.
But shout it from the Torre Vela:
I kissed Leila!
Me thinks Hillbilly Vance is too highfalutin'
A big corporate crack pot? Yeah, yer darn tootin'
Gimme Jed Clampet any day
Jethro, Granny or Ellie May
Not a hack for a huckster who praises Vlad Putin!
Jed, the new husband wanted to control his wife
But failed terribly in attempting to domesticate her
and control her
She was not a willing participant or pushover
neither was Jed’s second or third wives
You cannot control women! His sisters told him.
He should have known that.
But he didn’t.
He is still looking for a compliant wife.
Potential wives four, five and six have all dumped him
None of them liked being almost-controlled either.
The Man with a Star Head
The Man with a Star Head offered himself as a very small lighthouse.
Seamen never thanked him, not even his favourite Jed! So iron he used to douse
his very bright head
forever out, a big douse!
He’s got a rutabaga butt, a rutabaga butt.
My cousin has certainly got a rutabaga butt!
Jerry was singing this loudly and proudly, like a clown.
We could hear it coming, going and upside down.
I felt sorry for his cousin though we had never met.
You might hurt his feelings I told Jerry; better stop it.
He kept singing, "he’s got a rutabaga butt, and a giant gut!
My cousin Jed has the world’s larges rutabaga butt."
Horrified now, I insisted on meeting Jerry’s cousin Jed.
He is a rotund guy with diverse coloring and a tiny head.
His body is made of a rutabaga, so the sound now makes sense.
I have not been able to stop singing this silly song ever since.
If you insist on wearing a merry-go-round on your head
At least try to act casual about it said Ringmaster Jed.
He was speaking to Carnival girl, his oldest daughter.
Who normally did nothing that she “ought”-er.
She tried her best to act nonchalant.
But then they had her balance on an elephant.
Come on! She said. Why is it always me?
You’re our only daughter, said her mother Lee.
Queen cat had a collar that was so stiff
It hurt my neck to see it said her cousin Biff
On her head she had a measly pearl crown
Poor, but her lips did not often curl into a frown
I am satisfied with my life Queen cat said.
Happy with whatever enters my poetic head.
When she came to visit, she slept in my bed.
I took the couch gratefully said her brother Jed.
He’s got a rutabaga butt, a rutabaga butt.
My cousin has certainly got a rutabaga butt!
Jerry was singing this loudly and proudly, like a clown.
We could hear it coming, going and upside down.
I felt sorry for his cousin though we had never met.
You might hurt his feelings I told Jerry; better stop it.
He kept singing, "he’s got a rutabaga butt, and a giant gut!
My cousin Jed has the world’s largest rutabaga butt."
Horrified now, I insisted on meeting Jerry’s cousin Jed.
He is a rotund guy with diverse coloring and a tiny head.
His body is made of a rutabaga, so the sound now makes sense.
I have not been able to stop singing this silly song ever since.
Buddy Ebsen lost his life twenty years ago.
He guest-starred on The Andy Griffith Show.
Jed Clampett was a character who he loved to portray.
After living many years, he died twenty years ago today.
He was originally going to be the Tin Man and he died at the age of 95.
After living for over ninety-years, this talented man could no longer survive.
Barnaby Jones was another character who Ebsen portrayed.
The world lost this man who has been dead for two decades.
[Dedicated to Buddy Ebsen (1908-2003) who died twenty years ago today on July 6, 2003]
Have you been in touch with the peddler turtle? He said.
Green one who sings to himself and dances? Asked Jed.
Hoot owl nodded “That’s the guy, he is really something.”
His items are unique, some of them sing and ring a ling.
He has a dancing clock that will fall off the shelf on the hour.
Bouquets of bright flowers that would dazzle a queenly bower.
Kitchen tools that would spin you around and say, “how do you do.”
You really need to take a peek at his stuff, one-of-a-kind too.
I followed the peddler turtle from town to town.
never saw a fit, a stomp, a stamp or a frown.
He had the best disposition, this peddler turtle.
Smiling as wide as my light-brained cousin Myrtle.
His wares were wonderful, whacky and wildly whimsical too.
He could dance a ballet, a tango, and a turtle soft shoe.
We liked everything about peddler turtle, he was ever so keen.
We all agreed at his funeral, no one ever saw him turn mean.
The faeries were enormously busy that wet spring
Coaxing, encouraging and begging a sparrow to sing.
He wore a hat with a cherry I think it was Bing.
He looked sharp, but his wing was in a small sling.
You will love singing a song of sixpence I said.
He was embarrassed, and his head turned all red.
You’ll be marvelous, added my fey cousin, Jed.
Sing sparrow sing! Encouraged outgoing Ned.
I would like a little candy dish on my head please, the sow said.
We filed past, trying to ignore the sweet spectacle on her head.
She is always trying for extra attention hissed old goose Jed.
Maybe she needs a bit more TLC, observed Beau a chowder head.
I am tired of Old Sow getting all of the attention every time!
She is so grouchy and grumpy, not any friend of mine.
Maybe she needs a person to issue friendship and be kind.
Why don’t we invite her to the restaurant to dine?
Would she share that peppermint stick or chocolate mint? Asked Lee.
He is all about being fair, fighting with anyone who dares disagree.
The sow heard them speaking of her and puffed up with pride.
But she did not want to share her candy when they got inside.
His name is Zed, he is a pumpkin head.
This is funny I said to my pal, Jed.
He said I kid you not. Please get out of bed.
I want you to meet Zed before he is wed.
I knew I would not be interested no matter how led.
My pal Jed is a trickster, amply named and fed.
He probably made up a story about a pumpkin head.
I brought along my sister and her boyfriend Ned.
Her boyfriend is a physician at K-med.
My cheeks were embarrassed, and my face was red.
When I was introduced to Zed, the pumpkin head.
I thought you were fictitious, I stupidly said.
He laughed at that and threw back his head.
Almost as good as what I thought; I thought you were dead.
We both glared at Jed, who was as silly as his twin Ted.
But here you are alive and well, instead said Zed.
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