For months I've been away from the Soup
And I just learned about all the scoop
Contest on crap and farts
From smelly body parts
Toilet humor all 'bout making poop
Wife got mad when I forgot to flush
She yelled at me then gave me a brush
She told me that unless
I clean up my own mess
I'd have to poo outside in the slush
Do not insult me with your yapper
I know I've never seemed quite dapper
My turds never smell sweet
They stink more than my feet
When I take a mid-morning crapper
Categories:
crapper, humorous,
Form: Limerick
When the owls are out of town
his studded boots kick-up featherless hoots.
He is the creak and groan of tired wood,
The splutter of an old aircon
yet more;
all inexplicable noises belong to him.
He crawls through crawl spaces to prop up places.
A chunky phantom who tinkers with gurgling drains.
He's the one who unplugs the unpluggable,
then trips the fuse box at night while you pee.
I hear him stumble bent between rafters,
imagine his bum crack mooning cobwebs and shadows.
He wheezes through long unheeded chores.
A maintenance ghost
grumbling as he bends over a beer belly,
that unseen plumber who rattles shaky pipes,
working hard on his night shift,
He's a clatter in the crapper,
patching up leaks between colliding worlds,
nudging our sleep as we cover ears
in our fretful dreams.
Categories:
crapper, poetry,
Form: Free verse
Shiny and white, it’s always awake.
It’s even got a seat for both of your cakes.
Calming and cool it holds such beauty.
It’s mans best friend when you’re feeling a bit tooty
It’s a cradle for your face if you’ve drank too much gin.
Just wipe off the seat before it touches your chin.
It’s also been known as quite the turd trapper.
This throne was invented by John C. Crapper.
To sit on this throne, you won’t need a crown.
Just jiggle the handle if it doesn’t flush down.
There is paper on a roll to help ease the pain.
An apple a day will help with the strain.
You can sit or stand if you need to tinkle
But do be responsible, in case you should sprinkle.
If you make a mess just wipe off the seat.
Your family will smile and think that you’re sweet.
Categories:
crapper, humorous,
Form: Rhyme
The drooly ghouly ghoul looked frightening.
Some felt he was worse than cow pie lightning.
I had met him as a tiny little scrapper,
When he had politely asked to use our crapper.
So even though he scared the orange juice out of others,
He left me completely alone, also my grandmothers.
Luckily for me, neither of these old gals could see well.
So they did not know he was from the bowels of hell.
Categories:
crapper, 10th grade, 11th grade,
Form: Rhyme
Bandit of Sherwood
A man from the ‘hood name of Robin
Insults to the sheriff was lobbin’
But Robin the rapper
Got locked in the crapper
When he heard Maid Marion sobbin’
The sheriff claimed Robin of Sherwood
Was not nabbing gold for the poor’s good
He said the thief’s power
Raised cash for a tower
Where Marion might lose her “Maidhood”
*January 30, 2019
For Joseph’s Limerick III contest
Categories:
crapper, humor,
Form: Limerick
I am very good at Snapper,
Other people are crapper.
Categories:
crapper, cheer up, computer, fun,
Form: Couplet
Heebiejeebie Hocus-Pocus
Don't forget your incantations
Gods wait with inoculations
Only for you and your relations
Have faith my friend, in creation
Above all else know your station
It depends on where you're from
Allah, Buddha, Genghis Khan
Which ever one takes your fancy
Mono, pantheistic religious candy
Your God created Beetles apparently
(But mostly Beetles ...actually)
So prepare yourself for the rapture
Avoid being caught on the crapper
Change underwear before you die
Never know when ya need to fly
Hocus-pocus kneel and pray
Wait your turn for judgement day
Categories:
crapper, fantasy, humor, myth,
Form: I do not know?
Itsy Bitsy spider went up the wall of shower.
Itsy Bitsy spider, grabbed with piece of paper.
Itsy Bitsy spider was placed in toilet water.
Itsy Bitsy spider, wished he was in hamper.
Itsy Bitsy spider was now stuck in the crapper.
Itsy Bitsy spider went down in swirling water.
To take a shower, with an Itsy Bitsy spider,
Was not going to happen, upon any hour,
Without any cower, she finished her shower.
Categories:
crapper, adventure, death, fear, funny,
Form: Rhyme
Vidtec and US Games were made for the Atari VCS.
Some of them were great while others were a mess.
US Games and Vidtec were a division of Quaker Oats.
But the creators found it extremely difficult to stay afloat.
Their best games were Space Jockey, Commando Raid, and M.A.D. too.
But US Games went out of business just one year after beginning in 1982.
They made several good games; not including Word Zapper.
People should've taken that game and thrown it in the crapper.
Another of their crappy games was Sneak 'N Peek.
The fireman on Towering Inferno looked like he was taking a leak.
When they hit the shelves, they didn't start disappearing.
But the $5.50 price tag at Revco made them endearing.
None of their fourteen games became a hit.
Some liked them while others didn't give a Sh**.
(THIS POEM IS ABOUT GAMES THAT WERE MADE FOR THE ATARI 2600/VCS.)
Categories:
crapper, funnygames, games,
Form: Rhyme
These laxatives don't work that I've been taking.
As I sit on the crapper, the inside of my butt is aching.
I've been eating these laxatives for weeks and I still can't do number two.
I can't take a dump no matter how hard I try and I don't know what else to do.
I just learned something and I am so embarrassed.
These laxatives are suppositories that are supposed to go up my ass.
Categories:
crapper, funny
Form: Rhyme
I hide my shame where no one can see.
And know that they could not understand me.
I wear my guilt behind closed doors.
And hope they will never find me.
I purge the torment out of my mind.
And pray that that's what will help free me.
Look in the mirror, I see myself.
But the image there only cheats me.
I try to cleanse myself of these thoughts.
But somehow it always defeats me.
So, it's back to the crapper Joe goes!
The only place I know to relieve me.
Categories:
crapper, confusion, food, health, loss,
Form: I do not know?