I have a friend who beats his chest
Who thinks he's tough, an ego blessed
He goes out clubbing, club in hand
Neanderthal romance, clubber lang.
He drinks banana daiquiris by the bowl
Experiments with chest wigs, an anthropoids soul
He apes around to attract a mate
A regular swinger awaiting his fate.
My mate's a primate, completely nuts
He likes jungle rap and scratching buts
He knows his trees and their Latin names
Defecates in bushes without any shame.
My mate's a primate, he's natures fan
A big white grin and an amazing arm span
He cracks nuts with feet, his party trick
Employs his member as a measuring stick.
‘I rant until i tattle.’
An old man said to me.
With boulders brass in battle
For Country, Queen and sea.
Lest not aghast a fattie,
Good heavens or abode.
We cannot simper- EVER!
For mighty frog or toad.
My clumbus, brood and brattice
Have left and faded dim,
Yet i shall stay with Stumpy
For clopper, clop and Jim.
Discounting Morris Upskate,
A ginger by default.
He keeps us musing nicely
For peace and calm revolt.
Take up thy stripy cornflake
And all who sail within,
And use the little peabus
For losing, draw or win.
And with a hanson blackie,
We clubber what we sow,
Go barphing like a windmill,
For friends we do not know.
COUSIN JULIA
Cousin Julia came to tea
Sat aloof from our group of three
Wanted no cake, crumpet or cheese
Only weak tea, and black, please.
Tall and rather pinched in looks
With a pointed nose for looking in books
Never did her pale green eyes
Betray even the slightest surprise
At our conversation’s turn of phrase
About childhood and byegone days
Or when I doubled her four-clubber
And practically handed her the rubber
The tedious afternoon drew to a close
And Julia continued to look down her nose
At all our silly conversation trivial
And did little to be convivial
Soon we felt like a walk on the strand
And we dealt out the last hand
My partner took it to four no-trump
And Julia snorted as she would, the frump
The rubber was lost again
So we went out in the wind and rain
And the strand seemed endless ahead of us
Till she finally boarded her homeward bus.
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