Best Yer Poems
Stop complainin’ ‘bout how much
yer stomach hurt
It’s yer own fault that yer feelin’ that way
Got a heavy Ding Dong diet
of cream-filled, empty truth lies
Low-cal info givin’ ya no energy news blues
Creatin’ irregular bowel movements
that keeps sendin’ ya ta da bathroom
It’s yer own double dog fault,
so quit yer bellyachin’
Just pop a truth pill that gives the fizz ...
suck the liquid medicin’ down,
drink all of it
And change yer diet, change it quick
Otherwise, yer gonna keep gettin’ sick
Categories:
yer, humor, people, satire, sick,
Form:
Light Verse
My long-sufferin' Mother tried to teach me the rudiments of social graces,
So as not to make a fool of myself at fancy affairs and such other places.
But even so, at the school prom I splattered sauce on the tux I had rented!
So much fer impressing my date who thought me somewhat demented!
I can still remember Mom's admonitions as if it were yesterday:
"Say please, thank you and pardon me to those you meet along the way."
"The napkin ain't used fer blowin' yer nose or as if washin' yer face."
"Keep it short and to the point should you be asked to say the grace."
"Keep yer elbows off the table, sit up straight with one hand on yer lap."
"Don't hog conversation and if you've nothin' sane to say, clam yer trap."
"Learn to use the silverware properly so as not to be disgraced."
"Tell the hostess what a fine meal it was (tho' not necessarily to yer taste)."
"Don't start eatin' 'til the hostess begins and don't guzzle too much wine."
"Always help the lady on yer right to be seated before you begin to dine."
"Open yer car door and other doors fer ladies and they'll appreciate that."
"Rise when ladies or elders enter the room and remember to tip yer hat."
"Offer yer arm to sweet old ladies and assist them to cross the street."
"Tell moms their babes are cute (even if not) but be very discreet."
Mom's sage advice was well taken but today it seems that it was all for naught,
Since many folks ain't got no couth or respect nor behave as they ought!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2015 All Rights Reserved
Categories:
yer, growing up, humorous, ,
Form:
Rhyme
The old Scotsman burred loud on the dock:
" Bring along more than tackle and block!
For if yah cast out yer net,
yah might live to regret
bringing ole Nessie up out of the Loch!"
Categories:
yer, fantasy, funny, sea
Form:
Limerick
When did it become kosher to show your butt
Jeans hanging down showing your you-know-what
The crack in your hide
And hairiness besides
Should be a law to control these guys as they strut
© Jack Ellison 2015
Categories:
yer, humorous,
Form:
Limerick
Come in, come in and sit ye doon
a warm spot by the fire's for ye
the kettle's on and 'bout to sing
a cuppa's brewing soon for two
Come in, come in and sit ye doon
there's so much that you need te hear
I kenna keep it to me self
such sorrow needs a friendly ear
Come in, come and sit ye doon
I've such a sorry tale to share,
the world's a hard and nasty place
me fate's unkind and life's unfair
Come in, come in and sit ye doon
ye ken, I'd love your company
there's nay so treasured as a friend
for poor, wee me, Miss Misery
Categories:
yer, dark, humor, metaphor,
Form:
Ballad
When did it become kosher to show your butt
Jeans hanging down showing your you-know-what
The crack in your hide
And the hairiness besides
Should be a law to control these guys as they strut
Categories:
yer, image,
Form:
Limerick
I was tagged by that guy
the crazy culinary king
the one who makes drool
run down my chin ... ; )
So now it’s my turn [oh goodie!]
to pass on the tag
to an unsuspecting soul
and leave him holding the bag.
Now poets can be a silly bunch
not deep nor grave nor brilliant so much.
Give em a game and cut em loose
and you’ll find ‘stupid’ is often our muse.
And ... so ...
Eenie meenie minee doo doo
oh dear my dear could it be yoo hoo?
I tag Hansen, that guy in Brown
he’ll do ya fine, he’s such a clown!
Yer up, Mark!!
Love ya! j
Categories:
yer, friendship, funny, happiness, imagination,
Form:
Rhyme
a one against all iconoclast
eat my shorts was his hello
after being driven from the village
by the Iceberg Clan physical therapists
and their dictatorship of deduction
a mere fascination with the grotesque
boasting an indignant moral high ground
their vast distortions parading as what's next
none of which was actually observant
ordered the award of a certificate of exile
prompting futile biographical excess
told his life story in a whisper
to the audience on the bus stop bench
in the fabled Flat Lands of Disturbia
trying to be more than what he thought he was
had the soul of a humming bird
chose his objects of adoration wisely
dodging recruiter demons at all hours
kick starting a thousand slave rebellions
you instigate one you instigate them all
inching up to the black widow at web central
twitching the cables just enough
with the help of his archangel air cover
shielding his free will for eternity
just enough for the look-o-meter
to get him through the mine fields
driving a '49 Mercury like he stole it
it is theater pure and simple
a Fellini runway extravaganza
playing evil A against evil B
resist and defy were his left and right
victory payouts collectible at Ed the Bookie's
a Ponzi scheme of titanic proportion
cosmic efficiencies being what they are
where the hierarchies choke hold your neck
zigging and zagging like sparring ghosts
a house of cards inside a hall of mirrors
forcing themselves not to look
since when have the observant sages
ever managed to end our misery
made it gnashingly worse more likely
If the amputation scars are any indication
this is a bad review no stars
in case you were wondering
a lot of that's not right out there
but only because context is everything
a blind eye is a blind eye
thoughts are surfaces
Categories:
yer, how i feel,
Form:
Free verse
I write about everyday happenings
That's my style and I'm sticking with it
I'm not yer fancy, highfalutin writer
Down to earth stuff is what I emit
I sometimes get naughty, God forbid
Try to keep it down to a minimum
A fine old gentleman from way up north
An honourable upstanding citizen
Have you had enough, are you getting ill
So sorry, but I really must emote
I'm a Leo you know so don't blame me
Not responsible if I sometimes gloat
A handsome devil, I'll give you that
Learned to live with girlie's attention
Quite like it, makes me feel kinda frisky
And relieves my sexual tension
So that's me, I'm just an ordinary fellow
Not yer fancy, highfalutin writer
Stick to the basics, just ordinary stuff
Known as a lover, not as a fighter
© Jack Ellison 2014
Categories:
yer, humorous,
Form:
Quatrain
Cock-a-doodle-doo! Time is come for you
to raise yer head, get out of bed.
Strum a note or two.
If you cain’t strum, pick and grin – hum a lick.
Enjoy the fun till ‘morrow come.
Buzz a note or two.
If you cain’t hum, blow and suck – mount a show.
Play yer juice harp, B flat C sharp.
Spit a tune or two.
If you cain’t blow tune, howl at the full moon.
Pick a cowgirl – turn, twist, and twirl.
Make them girls swoon.
Laid out with dry cows, gotta git up – rouse
You ain’t home yet, ain’t lost yer bet.
Dodged them hoosegows!
Time to saddle up, stop for a li’l cup.
Coffin varnish – insides tarnish –
Feel like a pup.
A day for hard work, not somethin’ to shirk.
Head Texas big, hitchin’ the rig.
Kick’n heels hurts!
Categories:
yer, celebration, dance, drink, fun,
Form:
Rhyme
For months Santa tossed back barrels of brews
He was so fat he got stuck in the flues
Ms Santa warned he might croak
Choking on billowing smoke
And to lay off his gross guzzling of booze
Entry for Tania Kitchin's "Holiday Themed Limerick Poetry" Contest
(18 November 2019)
Placed No. 2 in the contest
Categories:
yer, christmas, humorous,
Form:
Limerick
my brand new Harley
tight leathers
the freeway beckons
A biker’s dozen contest
Sponsored by Maureen McGreavy
9/28/18
Categories:
yer, freedom, travel,
Form:
Haiku
Please rate 1-10
(1 Santa would be proud or
10 A coal in your stocking!)
A white Christmas in Chicagee don't make no sense
Bout time we skeedaddle, let good times commence
So where to go, my darlin' Maggie and me
As we swig down our egg nog and pack our tree?
The lil' miss and I'll be spendin' this Christmas
Way down yonder on the Panama Isthmus
There's a honky-tonk there on the ol' canal
Tequilla will be flowin' for me and my gal
Categories:
yer, christmas, funny, giggle, humor,
Form:
Couplet
I write about everyday happenings
That's my style and I'm sticking with it
I'm not yer fancy, highfalutin' writer
Down to earth stuff is what I emit
I sometimes get naughty, God forbid
Try to keep it down to a minimum
A fine old gentleman from way up north
An honourable upstanding citizen
Have you had enough, are you feeling ill
So sorry, but I really must emote
I'm a Leo you know so don't blame me
Not responsible if sometimes I gloat
A handsome devil, I'll give you that
Learned to live with girlie's attention
Quite like it, makes me feel quite frisky
And relieves my sexual tension
So that's me, I'm just an ordinary fellow
Not yer fancy, highfalutin' writer
Stick to the basics, just ordinary stuff
Known as a lover not as a fighter
Categories:
yer, blessing,
Form:
Rhyme
It needs no practice
Hardly any thought at all
Just hold your hand in front of you and let
your middle finger plus one towards your pinky fall.
A universal sign
not just for the deaf one but for all
So the next time your hands are feeling blue and left out
Have it sign the I Love You call
Categories:
yer, happiness, love, passion, uplifting,
Form:
Rhyme