Best Unseemly Poems
The Pink Panther's entourage wore camouflage
~ Subterfuge or Sabotage?
Santa arrived on our street yesterday
spewing considerable exhaust
while riding atop a parade of firetrucks and vans,
floodlit like a nativity display at night,
full sirens and blaring Christmas carols
competing for my Fetal Alcohol daughter's rapt attention.
Santa rolls at stately parade pace,
while ever more impatiently
my troubled daughter jumps and eagerly awaits to pounce.
For me,
much too soon
Santa spots her leaning out our screen door,
disembarks with great royal dignitary pace
to walk the long quest for prey
on our front porch.
As I feared,
after an unconvincing HoHoHo?,
without waiting for introductions,
Santa goes straight to his task at hand:
What do you want for Christmas, little girl?
I don't know
Haven't thought about it.
I'm sure it's not a stinky and loud Santa parade.
Anyway, I'm still working on what I'm giving for Christmas.
That's awesome.
I don't hear a lot of that.
It's not awesome!
It's complicated!
My dad said I should only give gifts that by giving them
I will also receive gifts.
I'm not sure I have any gifts like that.
Last year you asked for an American Girl doll.
Yes, but this year I'm working on giving American Princess me,
instead of settling for your plastic dolls.
Won't you need costuming and make-up
to become the All American princess?
You would think so,
but my dad says they don't meet his gift-it-forward rule
to recycle and receive back.
So what do you think you're going to get,
or give,
or both, I guess?
although diesel-fueled Santa's feeling red
about green co-redemptive gifts,
and I do still have far to go.
And you left your truck idling.
I'm leaning toward kindness,
'cause princesses are always kind,
but my dad is asking for greater wisdom,
which is something he actually does need.
And I know you don't have any to offer
or you wouldn't begin and end Christmas
by asking people what they want,
instead of asking us what we have to give
that might make life feel a little less snarky
come New Year's Day,
while your truck continues to stink up the neighborhood.
Santa returned to his royal red firetruck
somewhat faster than he had arrived
on my wise American princess daughter's
green front porch.
SCORES OF SORES AND SORRY POURS
ALL FILLED, BOTH UP AND OUT
TO BALANCE SCALES OF EMPTY PAGES
TIPPED FROM BOTTLED BOTTOMS END
POURED FROM MOUTH TO SPOUT.
TIMELESS AGES TALLIES MADE
HALF EMPTY BY OUR FOOL
PAGES STAID AND TURNING LAID
WHILE DRAUGHT OF DROP-LESS DRINK
IS SAVORED COOL.
DESTINY OF MAN TO MEASURE
INCH TO FOOT AND DROP TO VAT
VACANT SPACE NOW DRAINED OF AIR
AND LIFE SO FULL WE OVERFILL
WITH ALL OUR MONEY, GUNS, AND STRIFE,
AND ALL OUR TIT FOR TAT.
When looked upon by others they turn away for your face is very unseemly to them
But when my eyes look upon you I see nothing but beauty, because indeed you are beautiful
For you shine so very bright that the sun itself must turn aside from you
Your are indeed loved for I am in love with you
For in my eyes you are beautiful
But for others who see you otherwise are just blind so you need not worry with them.
But now as for you, you have many looking upon your face, for it is to them a God
And you will not turn them away and nether will they turn away from you
For you have put them under your spell which can not be broken
But as I looked upon what was said to be so great I saw nothing
It is as if all the emptiness in the world could be found in your heart
And your face I found most detestable and I became sick and could not bare to look upon it any longer
No beast could compare with what I saw because no beast is that horrid
For you are so full of darkness that you yourself cause night to fall before its time, upon yourself and upon all those who follow you into the darkness for they too are blind and like wise you will become just like them
And that is why I will never love you.
Altho' knowing that
nothing beats tit for tat
there's no call at all
to cooperate
if you don't wish
to participate
but if something you lack
and scratch my back
while one hand
washes the other
I'll scratch yours
which could be
accomplished
when down on all fours
however taking a gander
unseemly tho' it may be
what's good for the goose
is good for me