Best Toff Poems
A party of toffs all so snotty
was crashed by a yokel so naughty.
After passing much gas,
this guy with no class
took a dump left unflushed in the potty.
(for those who may not know: Toff is a person of high-class society
a Yokel is an uneducated, unsophisticated person from the countryside.)
Categories:
toff, humorous,
Form:
Limerick
Look, I found a new book to read,
This is a book of nonsense, indeed,
Titled, "The Amicable Divorce,"
I did snicker and chortle, of course,
Who wrote this? Some toff,
I sit and read and scoff,
I wrote companion lit.,
Equally full of blip,
"Improve your kid's English,"
Real vivid vocab, that's the way,
What this witch wants to do to them,
Only one way to handle abusive men,
"Uppity, uppity, shove broomstick uppity,"
'The Amicable Divorce'? Heavy, heavy,
Look, a brand new book to read,
"The Amicable Divorce", nonsense indeed.......
Categories:
toff, abuse, bullying, divorce, husband,
Form:
Free verse
The maiden was carrying a basket
it was full of sweet flowers for market
once she got there she places a blanket
then lays the bunches around a casket
A toff came along and got one for Ascot
he doffed his hat showing a crew cut
the fabric of his trousers was tricot
made up fashionably in cross cut
He invites her to join him at Ascot
leading her down to a leafy short cut
intentions clear he opens his tricot
so she made good use of hidden off cut
Flees from situation most delicate
to get involved much too intricate
after all you must follow etiquette
to remain in the temple's syndicate
Collecting up her flowers and basket
she made her way home out of the market
she wrote never again in triplicate
as her cat came over to affricate
She sat down to a dinner of brisket
followed by a nice tasty biscuit
getting it down, she cleaned the musket
finishes day ironing her weskit
~~~~~~
affricate means to rub up against
Tricot is a fabric or material
weskit is a word for waistcoat usually very ornate
Categories:
toff, flower, men, woman,
Form:
Monorhyme
"Headline news! The rag trade is torn to pieces!
Dolls are strewn across the streets with skirts lifted high.
Headline news! Markets are buzzing with voracious bees;
Stinging for honey, for money to burn. Sly.
May I escort you sir to higher gains? Just feed the slot
Machine coffers with offers of fine dining and lustful desires.
Become bloated and coated, botched and scotched
And drink embers mellow as you repast by the fire!
Suits you sir! That suit should fake them and shake them,
For you look a right toff and in those two tone brogues
None can guess and think anything less of you and your suit
That is pin striped and blue. Welcome to 'Cafe Rogues'.
Are you a gambler sir? Do you place your bets well?
Do you prefer evens or odds or don't you give a sod?
There are no consciences here sir! We'll take your money
And spend it on honey and fine clothes by God!
Paper!paper! Read all about it, headline news!
Dolls are found in alleyways torn to shreds!
Escorts are fattened calves ready for the slaughter!
Suited toff is found dying in Savile Row gutter!
Gambling money spinner wins. Camera closes the shutter.
Categories:
toff, england,
Form:
Rhyme
My rhyme is better than yours..
I’ll say that without a pause....
and I know I've got just cause
cos your poems are written for bores
You can post ten poems a day
I now don’t read a word you say
Your rhyming’s awful anyway
and you’ve no clue of good word play
At my simple poetry you scoff
acting like an ignorant toff
If you challenge me to a write off
you’d find your words in a piggy trough
It is a heinous crime
as you think that you can rhyme
your poems ain’t worth a dime
they‘re just so inferior to mine
I’ve got one final thing to say
your poetry is so passé
the rhyme is dire, it’s so cliché
I’m a better poet than you any day!
NOT aimed at anyone on the site
purely inspired by Contest of F J Thomas
4/29/18
Categories:
toff, humorous, poetry, poets, slam,
Form:
Rhyme
Sovrinty’s a grand ole gent,
But sovrinty don’t pay the rent.
I got six kids’ moufs to feed.
Sqeezin’ stones don’t make ‘em bleed.
Theresa gal sure went and blew it,
But oo blimmin’ else is there to ’ do it?
Oo else is there to clear the fog?
Wot’s your take, mate? That toff, Reese-Mogg?
Oo ever duzzit, do it fast!
‘ow long’s this Brexit lark to last?
A glossary of terms for the protection and benefit of young learners of English
soverinty - sovereignty
don’t (third person singular present tense - doesn’t
ole – old
gent - gentleman
maufs – mouths
squeezin’, goin’, - -ing
‘em – them
gal – girl
oo - who
blimmin’ - expletive filling word like bloody, damn, etc.
toff - a sometimes derisive term for member of the upper class from a non-member of that class's point of view
duzzit - does it
‘ow - how
Categories:
toff, anxiety, humorous, political,
Form:
Burlesque
Perhaps I'll find him
in realities cloak
steadfast with fiery dim
frozen woodland oak
capture my heart
lead with your hand
stricken not to apart
laying in the sand
dusting me off
from past dues paid dearly
pedestal then he'll be toff
as I stand meek merely
speak my name
I chime ever softly
acknowledge me as your dame
my newfound lover courtly
tears now fade upon my brow
smeared not for
laughter stained because of thou
pounding at my door
peace at last
from forlorn threats sincere
harnessed from the past
alas you're drawing near
Perhaps
Categories:
toff, fantasy,
Form:
Rhyme
It’s great to be a member of the global elite,
The bean poles in my garden are standing proud and neat.
Organic veg is thriving thanks to ample bags of peat.
I never hear a siren roaming down my street.
I’m fairly relaxed when an airline goes under.
Got a business proposition? Let me find you a funder.
“When will I fix their boilers?” my tenants do wonder.
I’ll soon find a scapegoat, if I should make a blunder.
A product of a public school, the pride of Shrewsbury,
Forcibly convinced that you would rather be me.
The reality is I’m at the top of the tree
So every branch manager is looking up to me!
My diary is dependent on the diligent Katrina,
She runs the show like clockwork, you’ll find nobody keener.
She cuts through all the jargon so the minutes are much leaner
And can text me at the golf club or on my yacht in the marina.
I’m awfully busy, cannot give you an appointment.
Upbeat copywriters - you can find a place in my tent.
Relatively shielded from the risks of disappointment,
You’ll never find a fly in my ointment!
If the radiators splutter, I call my handyman,
If my money’s on a racehorse, then I hope it runs to plan,
On the promenade at Paignton I’m a suave and sandy man,
To a certain travel agent, I’m her “neat and dandy man.”
My doctor comes a-running if I ever get a cough.
Your trusted friends will recognise when you’re a toff.
I flutter like a butterfly high above your moth
So the sprinklers on my lawn are rarely turned off.
Sundays see me mulling over crossword clues
While my weekend valet cleans my outdoor shoes,
Got to keep my name out of the news.
Remember buddy: heads I win and tails you lose.
Now most of my investments are quite discreet,
There’s a chalet in Antigua and a villa in Crete.
Want some carrot cake while you’re thinking on your feet?
Then you’d better not quibble with the global elite.
This poem first appeared in the P.U.W. Anthology "In the Name of Democracy - Poetic Voices" on 22nd May 2021.
Categories:
toff, class, holiday, international, power,
Form:
Rhyme
Halloween is here!
But have no fear!
This is my guide so you survive.
Beware the graveyards full of ghosts and ghouls.
The graveyard is where you will see zombies feasting.
Stay in the light, form large groups, don't be fools.
Beware the alleys vampires hang about usually toff.
One look in their eyes and… boo! You're paralyzed.
Carry holy water, garlic and a cross, it fights them off.
Beware the skies alien abductions!
Butt probes, clench cheeks, hopefully you stay breathing.
This one's unavoidable good luck, maybe try some ruction?
Beware they pull you in with sweet smells, and words, it’s bewitchery.
It's diabolical, witches plans with humans hypnotized.
Show some cautionary there's lots of trickery.
Halloween is here!
But have no fear!
Follow this guide and you will survive.
(A. Bonds)
10-29-20
words used, alien, blood, cautionary, vampires, trickery, abduction, paralyzed, Halloween, feasting, diabolical
Categories:
toff, halloween, horror, violence,
Form:
Free verse
you stand tall and raise your shoulders high,
you walk amongst my superiors,
its true- i work for you,
you claim to be my superior but im more useful than you are,
this is proven in the fact that i do your laundry,
the only question i ask is "can you do mine",
you are nothing but a weakling,
its true i work on your plantations,
its only factual to ask if in my absence you can work on them yourself,
you go to bed overfilled cos i sacrifice my meal for you,
you wear clean robes cos i do your laundry,
i yearn to know how much you can do when i depart from you,
lets face it- you owe me your existence,
i pray for you cos i love you more than you love me,
i soak myself in sweat so you can soak yourself in comfortable lavender,
its only brilliant to say you are an almost worthless being.
Categories:
toff, black african american, on
Form:
Don Key the Donkey
Was a silly ass
He had big donkey ears
And wore an eyeglass
Looking very dapper
And extremely smart
It was his day off from pulling his cart
He liked going out
And enjoyed a laugh
As I mentioned earlier
He was daft
He dressed up
And looked like a Toff
He tried to look trendy
On his days off
Don wore a bow tie
Red with Yellow dots
He wore a patterned waistcoat
Of which he had a lot
He collected waistcoats
All in many hues
He had a penchant for clothes
Flash jackets shirts and shoes
To cap it all, a trilby
He tipped when ladies passed
Hoping she would have a chat
She walked very fast
Don was this donkey's Christian name
Key was the other
Not much thought went into that
He blamed that on his mother
Don sauntered down the Road
And Up and down the street
When out of nowhere
He spied a pretty mule
Her name was Muriel
They went to the same school
Muriel came over to talk
After they had a chat
They went for a walk
Categories:
toff, 1st grade,
Form:
Rhyme
Mentally endowed enough,
to take the piffle from your puff,
and ram it home, sweet butter cup,
side effects are frightening,
miscarriage of justice, can put you off
and pride slips cos you're the Toff
that damaged goods, while cancer scoffs.
Not so enlightening.
thick as your arm is mental charm,
which may be so inviting,
don't even want to cause alarm.
yet love is still exciting
4-jul-11 Don Johnson
Brian Strand
Contest Name A POEM FROM THEE form or free max 14 lines
Categories:
toff, adventure, cancer,
Form:
Rhyme
Sebastian dressed like a toff
Other people he would scoff
He was a snob, I suppose
People named him
Toffee nose
Categories:
toff, 10th grade,
Form:
Limerick
An institution for the average man and also for the Toff
The gun blasts, the gates fly open. They’re off.
Eight magnificent Steeds already to win the race.
Trampling all before them, galloping at full pace.
Jeremiah takes the lead, closely followed by Your Grace.
Simply Simon at his heels, True Tess is gaining a place.
Here comes My Hero, a grand, black stallion gaining on the pack.
Flight Steward, Flame and Conroy are positioned at the back.
Stampeding round the bend, bulleting on the outside
True Tess the small grey filly, taking the lead with pride.
Manes flying in the wind here comes Conroy flying round the pack.
Now in second place, the odds thought him to be a hack.
Clumps of turf take flight from the pounding of the hooves.
Horses surging forward at an almighty pace, none wanting to lose.
Jockeys standing upright, leaning forward smashing their whips.
Jeremiah responds to the whip with an almighty lunge and trips.
The horse recovers, but all others pass him by, at least he wasn’t hurt.
Joyful screams from the punters as each horse puts on a spurt.
Simply Simon trapped against the rails pushes his way between a gap.
Racing with the pack, hurtling against the wind the jockey loses his cap.
Its anyone’s race as the galloping group head into the straight
There’s a oneness between each horse and its Jockey mate.
Wails from the crowd are heard, some had bet just on spec.
The crowd are on their feet as two horses are neck and neck.
The thunder of their hooves sending sparks My hero crosses the line.
A whisker in front of Tess. A photo finish sends tingles down my spine.
My ticket says Tess To Win, the track is silent for results of the race
The Marshall makes the announcement. Its my Hero in 1st place.
Sponsor Brian Strand
Contest Name A BRIAN STRAND PREMIERE no 1219 -- 23 May2023
Categories:
toff, horse,
Form:
Rhyme
They are people just so full
thinking they are the top
nobody's like them at all
forgetting that one day they'll drop
These people think nothing of the poor
give no time to the worse off
as they reckon they deserve
everything they have to be a toff
Humility they sadly lack
equality is not part of them
they have only one goal
to be creme de la creme
But the arrogant will fall
one day this wrong attitude
will be returned on it's head
when it ends in a box of wood
Categories:
toff, character, life, words,
Form:
Rhyme