Best Smacker Poems
Now this is my definition of love
It's much like wrestling in the mud
You get down and dirty
And say things quite flirty
Then it all comes together with a thud
You scream out bloody murder together
Promise your undying love forever
Roll over and whisper
The name of her sister
Then you realize that wasn't too clever
She pummels your head without any mercy
You attempt to defend 'gainst her fury
You start to see rainbows
And a bunch of pretty halos
A ferocious little dynamo this girlie
Well eventually you recover your senses
And are able to put up some defences
You plant a big smacker
On this sweet li'l attacker
Then it's back to love in the trenches
© Jack Ellison 2015
I know a young lady named Kimmie
A big smacker I wish she could gimmie
Plus a long distant squeezie
From this dear Asian sweetie
Would sure put a zing in my dinghy
© Jack Ellison 2015
Now this is my definition of love
It's much like wrestling in the mud
You get down and dirty
And say things quite flirty
Then it all comes together with a thud
You scream bloody murder together
Promise your undying love forever
Roll over and whisper
The name of her sister
Then you realize that wasn't too clever
She pummels your head without mercy
You attempt to defend against her fury
You start to see rainbows
And a bunch of pretty halos
A ferocious little dynamo this girlie
Well eventually you recover your senses
And are able to put up some defences
You plant a big smacker
On this sweet li'l attacker
Then it's back to love in the trenches
Now this is my definition of love
It's much like wrestling in the mud
You get down and dirty
And say things quite flirty
Then it all comes together with a thud
You scream out bloody murder together
Promise your undying love forever
Roll over and whisper
The name of her sister
Then you realize that wasn't too clever
She pummels your head without any mercy
You attempt to defend against her fury
You start to see rainbows
And a bunch of pretty halos
A ferocious little dynamo this girlie
Well eventually you recover your senses
And are able to put up some defences
You plant a big smacker
On this sweet li'l attacker
Then it's back to love in the trenches
© Jack Ellison 2015
"I want to be a nutcracker!"
Came my announcement one day.
I won't need the strength of a linebacker
to make my chosen profession pay.
"I want to be a nutcracker!"
Grasping them tight like in a vise.
Even the big ones, I'd call a 'wacker.'
I might have to squeeze those twice.
"I want to be a nutcracker!"
Those that are ripe enough for picking.
With every blow, I'd be the attacker,
getting all the sweet meat by pricking.
"I want to be a nutcracker!"
It's a job at which I'd excel.
I'd earn the title, 'Best Nut Smacker,'
when they shout, "That hurt like hell!!"
"I want to be a nutcracker!"
I'd be picky ‘bout the ones I'd choose.
No one would ever call me a 'hacker,'
for when I'm done, there'd never be a bruise.
*Thank you, Caren Krutsinger, for graciously agreeing to allow me the use of your title. We took different forks at the crossroad. ;-)
There once was a smurf named Smurfette,
who smurfed around in a blue smurfvette.
She dated a smurf whose first name was Smacker.
When they had their first date he smurfed and smacked
her.
And from that day on, he will forever be known
as Smacker Smurf, smurf smacker.
Oh great superior being, please allow me to speak
I wish to plant a kiss on your bum, that would leave me quite weak
I bow to you, your eminence
Excuse my fecklessness
Sure love to plant a big wet smacker on both of your lovely cheeks
Oh great superior being, please allow me to speak
I wish to plant a kiss on your bum, that would leave me quite weak
I bow to you, your eminence
Excuse my fecklessness
Sure love to plant a big wet smacker on both of your lovely cheeks
I know a young lady named Kimmie
A big smacker I wish she could gimmie
Plus a long distant squeezie
From this dear Asian sweetie
Would sure put a zing in my dinghy
A lady once called herself “Numbnuts”
Now that was totally uncalled for
The sweetest filly I've ever did know
Must chastise her, give her what for
Next time I see her, if I see her again
Gonna plant a big smacker on her lips
That'll teach her, this long lost filly
Also gonna grab her round the hips
Gonna squeeze her hard, not too hard
Till she yells, “I surrender, Jack”
Might let go but there's no guarantees
Still haven't lost my knack
So my sweet darling Lady Numbnuts
I'm eagerly awaiting the time
I'll once again plant a wonking big kiss
And feel that feeling sublime
© Jack Ellison 2014
Occasionally in life comes a welcome surprise
Fierce determination seen in Nancy Pelosi’s eyes
Upon visiting Ukraine to support Zelensky
~ She bolstered his stock (and his smile) immensely
Charley my wheel horse says that Jim is a yack, always jawing now.
They are both scrunchers, they nearly swallow their teeth on chow.
Jim is unsalted, but not lazy or slow, although he has trail dust grime.
He always responds well to “all hands and the cook” and in good time.
When the Mexican vaquero joins us, there is back slapping sure.
That’s when the biscuit roller trades in biscuits for tortillas, pure.
A ballyhoo? I do not think so, Bar dog. Can I get a John barley corn?
I would like to drink the cattle drive off my spurs, until it be morn.
How much does it cost to stay in the dice house tonight?
Don’t want to be honey-fuggled, so no Kansas sheep dip, all right?
a fresh mail order cowboy just entered the saloon, of course.
Don’t want to be a nosy parker, but did he just dismount the iron horse?
Did you see where I put my gelding smacker? I sleep with it naturally.
I am no lapper, but I could go for another John Barley Corn from thee.
Texas cakewalk tomorrow? Hmmm I wish I could stay but I am dragg’n.
Say hello to my cousin Sam, he drives the county’s meat wagon.
I kind of like a good hang’n when there’s a well-deserved California collar.
Was they horse thieves or murderers or what? Hey give my horse a holler.
I thought I saw a Cottonwood blossom when I rode into this place.
But there was no hellaballoo, so I wondered if it was the case.
Life isn't all roses, other kinds come to mind
But flowers are flowers doesn't matter the kind
Though some are stinky
All are pretty, me thinky
When added by a smacker on the bare behind
Oh great superior being, please allow me to speak
I wish to plant a kiss on your bum, it would leave me quite weak
I bow to you, your eminence
Excuse my fecklessness
Sure love to plant a wet smacker on both of your lovely cheeks
Whoever invented the Kiss
I'd like to shake their hand
But I won't
Because I'm shortsighted and always miss
It wouldn't be such a problem
If I had Mick Jaggers's lips
But the boss
My Mrs doesn't like it
And slaps me on the wrist
She's packed her bags to leave
But In tried to kiss her goodbye
But again I missed
She gave me a dirty look
Then threw a book
And yet another
Salon the wrist
Years later
I heard she got married
Now calling herself Jagger
Mick could really hit those lips
And give a smacker
But she threw him out
Because his lips were much too big
And she got drenched in slaver
Pretty picky woman
If you ask me
I'm just a man
Who once had a plan
Who couldn't find the X on the map
Although I tried my best I just didn't realise how small she was
No wonder I missed and got a slap on my hand
I joined a college course to learn how to kiss
And it was lots of fun
Until I kissed a woman I'd never met before our lips did fit
I'm not too sure why but her Husband chased me with a gun?
Hunting season came early
And the chase had just begun
Ilm no Valentino
More like Donald Duck
And when it comes to kissing
I sure ain't got the luck
Never practice on a dod
A Camel or a
Hog.o