Best Puns Poems
Fun With Puns*
A shepherd and his sheep once took
A shortcut across a frozen brook
The owner charged a very high price
For pulling the wool over his ice
I didn't know if I were a wigwam or tepee
So I was really depressed and sort of weepy
Then a psychiatrist with very good sense
Explained I was just a couple of tents
Benny was rescued from a terrible place
And lived out his life in a silver vase
Thus he was a guy who finally learned
That a Benny saved is a Benny urned
A man bought an expensive new car
And stopped for some drinks at a local bar
Soon after he picked up some of his friends
Who quickly learned how a Mercedes Benz
Snow White felt weak and unsteady
When her photographs weren’t ready
She chewed on some gum and felt less glum
Certain someday soon her prints would come
Palm fronds are very relaxative
Swallow them; they’re a very good laxative
They won’t hurt you; they’re not venomous
So, with fronds like those, who needs enemas
It would be nice to have four more puns
Because a total of ten would be fun
Maybe one of them upon humor depended
Or it's very possible that no pun in ten did
*Of course, I would have given credit to the authors of these puns, but they are unknown.
Bluebells are a ringin' and springin' up like kites.
Thyme is rustling along, glimpsing at dazzling sights.
Fox tails are a wagin' in the breeze, zig-zagin',
strutting their charisma, to be petted beggin'.
Roses are perfuming, famous scent resuming,
competing with nearby lilac flowers blooming.
Be still, my bleeding heart, absorb these works of art.
Listen to the thistle, performing like Mozart.
Healing beets are thrumming; tulips pressed are humming.
Flower petals tapping together are drumming.
Tune to trillium thrice and heed sound, sage advice.
Lettuce be thankful for song birds-of-paradise.
2-4-2021
Where is mystery
On how Moses makes his tea?
We know, Hebrews it.
It won’t surprise me
If a cartoonist’s found dead
And clues are sketchy.
I catch it the least
That gossamer lovely beast,
Love still if I mist.
My blood report O
When showed it was type-A blood,
Oh, it was Typo.
I stayed up all night
To trace on Sun’s nightlong flight,
Then it dawned with light.
Like king’s royal crown,
The book: Gravity-less Ground
Was hard to put down.
____________________________
Haiku |01.03.2024| humour
SUFFIX - PREFIX PUNS
Mispronounce inter-family relationships *
And we bury the family - its security slips:
Anti -freeze divorced Uncle freeze at last,
After yesterday’s weather fore-cast, (maybe an aft-cast?)
She married an ‘im-migrant , a male arriver from abroad, *
Although he loved an ‘er-igrant, a female arriver, obviously a broad.*
At their wedding feast was abundance
Seen in the pastry two-step - a very merry dance.
She thought it selfish for though his trade was to sell-fish
They ate lobster-rific, huge monster lobster dish:
‘Twas subterranean (from bed of the Mediterranean)
A celibate creature , a sort of anti-climax crustacean.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Note
*Verb “to inter” means “to bury someone”
*Colloquial British English says ‘im and ‘er for him and her
one wearing his homophone the singular sound that is pundering to say the least but I don’t get it the other his homograph number one own his tops chart behind site twenty/twenty puns walk in a bar
In prepping for a funeral
The family gathered in the hall
They sat there all mourning
Even though it was nightfall
He had eaten lots of vegetables
Yet, he passed on in his suite
Must have still had too much sugar
And not enough heart beets
A farmer by trade, he grew
Not just beets but onions too
When he passed, they cut his crops
And cried all the way through
They made his favorite cheese as well
A batch to honor him that day
His athlete niece, age nineteen, fell
Now there’s pro teen in the whey
Onions served at the will reading
One son got more than his share
“Yes, I see”, said the executor
I can smell it in the heir
“Woof” exclaimed his trusty dog
“This situation is certainly tough.
Although I’m sad about my human
These jokes were pretty ruff…..”
My puns are not too punny.
They are puny -
so itty-bitty that they have no bite-y.
Like tiny turtles with no turtle necks
or like selfish shellfish
offering no worthy catch,
what good are they when they’re so poor?
My puns – they haven’t got
a piss to pot in!
I hate luch slack of imagination – and
my spoonerisms that aren’t worth
the dime of tay.
Punny yet unfunny
my puny roony RATatouille
loony woony play of turds!
They should dink far sown
to the sodom of the deep gomorrah sea
where Moby’s dick perhaps is berried.
(or pickled maybe?)
I guydress.
Time to put this roam to pest.
No more poems about poops and bums
Worn them right out, on to jokes and puns
Know what MNDI stands fer
Stands for your MIND out of order
Got bunches of silly groaners to post by the ton
© Jack Ellison 2015
Been writing some “not so fun” poems lately
Time to get back to the silly stuff
No matter what we do, nuttin's gonna change
Bad stuff, we've heard quite enough
D'ya hear the one about this unfortunate fellow
Whose whole left side was cut off
Sure sounds to me like an extremely sad event
Seems he's all RIGHT now, did you scoff?
Gotta a big bunch more, d'ya wanna hear 'em
Why was the baseball getting bigger
Then without any warning, it suddenly hit me
There was some groans, I figure
Hard boiled eggs are very hard to beat
This one's a real good laugher
Leaving alphabet soup on the stove overnight
Certainly could spell disaster
My tennis opponent wasn't happy with my serve
He kept on returning the damn thing
Used to be a tap dancer until Tuesday last week
Fell off the tap into the sink
Chickens crossing the road are poultry in motion
Things round here are getting tense
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
Was of course, Sir Cumference
Had enough or do you want to hear more
Okay one more then it's over
When the cannibal showed up late for dinner
They gave him the old cold shoulder
© Jack Ellison 2013
Here'a giggle are you ready for this
Better sit down I'd say
Why do psychics ask you your name
Maybe it's a game they play
Gotta tell ya, gonna live forever
But still got a ways to go
I'm certainly not worried, no not me
Feel good right down to my toes
Hardness of butter is really proportional
Directly to how soft the bread is
But with toast you have a fighting chance
Will be testing you later in a quiz
What if you get scared half to death twice
Gonna leave that one alone
If there's a will, there's about 500 relatives
All wanting a share of their own
Death is most definitely a hereditary thing
How many still have parents living
See I just told you its just a matter of time
Might be joining 'em by Thanksgiving
A dear friend of mine is so optimistic
Bought a burial suit with 2 pairs of pants
Until we know exactly where we're going
Why should we take the chance
You laugh because I'm a little bit different
I laugh coz I just let one go
One of my better ones I gotta tell ya
A joyous expulsion to behold
© Jack Ellison 2013
On the first day of Christmas
Take Advent age of Xmas countdown
On the second day of Christmas
Holly was a thorn in the side
On the third day of Christmas
Ivy was a real creep
On the fourth day of Christmas
They got a frosty reception
On the fifth day of Christmas
Three wise men proclaimed it was crackers
On the sixth day of Christmas
Who is Mary Christmas? Why Carol’s cousin of course
On the seventh day of Christmas
Yule be getting excited – it’s Claus and effect
On the eighth day of Christmas
All presents present but bah humbugs in Christmas stockings
On the ninth day of Christmas
You snow it won’t reindeer on Christmas day
On the tenth day of Christmas
Time for silent night so sleigh bells
On the eleventh day of Christmas
Coffee-loving Prancer and Dancer are Santa’s Starbucks
On the twelfth day of Christmas
Let’s eat cold turkey and peas on earth
Ho Ho Ho!
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad I am as an electrician.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed
with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
I used to think I was indecisive.
But now I’m not so sure.
Light travels faster than sound,
which is the reason that some people appear
bright before you hear them speak.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation
for revenge. We’ll see about that.
A termite walks into the bar and asks,
‘Is the bar tender here?’
I always take life with a grain of salt.
And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
I don’t suffer from insanity... I enjoy
every minute of it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you;
but it’s still on my list.
Today a man knocked on my door
and asked for a small donation toward the local
swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.
‘Doctor, there’s a patient on line two
who says he’s invisible.’‘Well, tell him
I can’t see him right now.
Last night my girlfriend was complaining
that I never listen to her or something like that.
People who take care of chickens
are literally chicken tenders.
What’s a frog’s favourite type of shoes?
Open toad sandals.
Blunt pencils are really pointless.
Two wifi engineers got married.
The reception was fantastic.
One of the cows didn’t produce milk today.
It was udder familiar
If attacked by a mob of clowns
go for the juggler.
The rotation of Earth really makes my day.
Pollen is what happens when flowers
can’t keep it in their plants.
A book fell on my head the other day.
I only have my shelf to blame though.
When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet,
they gave him the cold shoulder.
A blind man walked into a bar… and a table…
and a chair…
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
How much for a snickety?
That's 25 cents persnickety.
Great, I'll take three.
"The road to write is paved with good intensives."
— attr. too know won
The mourning it always do come sum-how
where they're voices brake the piece into peaces—
we was all of us promised a wright to no the truth
butt the heir we breathe has went, spent, mined out, beyond the vane/vain gnus
proscribed like a wether we cannot sea—the err of it and yeti.
Running from the lie's the money stayed, still
He, galled, gulled, lead in, shuttered—should of ironed the flood on thin eyes, thin i's
they swept the e-rupture under the rug of the volcano
lent, bent, the routes of it t'all drowned the ceiling every moan and mown
knot one sole voice cud of broke the rein of time it-shelf.
The children play was born into wore there bodies the pour of plague
sum-body never said nothing—the reign felled on the pane/pain like whether
emigrate, immigrate or stay, him and her and them bear/bare the same old hole
they're writes they're breastless rites to exst was pored over the alter
and the sole of it, the soul of it, they burned the maid in the mourning stair.
And now, , we scroll and sprawl and drool through the mourning of taht
sum-how the "famine" is a cantent, the "worn" is a wra, the "wand" is a wrte
end sum-one's always loosing there wright two exist, here, hear, their
too nations, to flags, two many wounds the power they powder the flood they could of ironed
where we're board-stiff wore down, the fowl foul heir of sit, the steal they steel—
the raised cities rased, razed—
interesting, someone didn't run Grammarly,
rite.
My friend - I’ll call her Brandi -
asked where do you get all your candy?
I said you may find this hard to believe,
but I always keep a few Twix up my sleeve.
I read about buccaneers in history books,
And I thought where did pirates get their hooks?
Later, while researching various folklores,
The answer came to me: second hand stores!
My friend, who is a soothsayer,
told me never to date tennis players.
I thought this advice was really a gem,
because love means absolutely nothing to them!
It really is a bummer
when people say age is just a number.
I think it’s totally absurd.
Age is clearly a word!
My ENT specialist, Doctor Jeff,
told me that I was going deaf.
About this - let me be clear -
the news was hard for me to hear.
While living on the shores of Avalon,
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon.
Their delivery, however, was very slow.
Which came first? I’ll let you know.