Best Privileges Poems
A special birthday party
Imagine being ninety
Guests sang the birthday song
She slept through it all
1/25/16
Here comes big Aunt Clara,
those arm pits really stink;
She uses all the paper,
leaves her dentures in the sink!
Wearing out her welcome,
attention's what she seeks;
For her to stay the night,
somehow becomes a week!
I can't go to the bathroom,
she's always locked inside;
Boy, I'm such a jerk,
when I'm forced to wait outside!
I wake up extra early,
a little bit after four;
I have the bathroom to myself,
that's what I thought before!
"Nephew",... Are you in there?"
"Auntie gotta go really bad"
I try my best to keep my cool,
by now I'm gettin' mad!
Ever since she lost our uncle,
she's always been alone;
I can sense her solemn grief,
but our bathroom's not her home!
Each time we have a visit,
our heads are held in shame;
She waddles into the bathroom,
and blows our poker game!
"FFLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOPPPP!!"
oh, what a gruesome sound!
One by one, they ease away,
their smiles replaced with frowns!
One cold October evening,
the skies were dark and black;
Clara sat on the toilet,
and had a heart attack!
We called the paramedics,
five minutes already passed;
What we thought was a heart attack,
was nothing more than gas!
We started CPR,
compressions across the heart;
A poot was what we heard,
she unleashed a vicious fart!
Aunt Clara's alive and well,
she'll be seeing us all too soon;
Our latest plans for progress?
Build another bathroom!!
How shall I begin,
we say we're not a couple,
but we had been living together
since I don't know when.
Why I can tell you how the day will go
by the way she breaks wind.
Now I'll say good morning,
no matter which end of her speaks first.
She'll excuse herself
and run off to the bathroom,
for some water
and the medication in her purse.
Being a man,
I'll at least open a window,
and wonder which end
of her is more intelligent.
You see with me
She doesn't waste any time
speaking her mind,
So, as a gentleman.
I only listen to the end that wears lipstick.
Now I've been told that a lady,
doesn’t fart or break wind, they either
poot, pass gas or lose their manners.
But if you ask me it all smells the same.
As she walks around
making her little musical sounds.
It has the added side effect of us
not needing an exterminator.
As a man, blessed with a poor since of smell.
My need to ventilate the room as you can tell,
is more to for the health of my house plants.
Who are at this moment
trying to jump out the window.
Now don’t get me wrong,
she is a lovely woman.
Her figure and grace
I will describe
as poetry in motion.
She moves with a carefree coordination
that would make you a fan
of her ability to walk and chew bubble gum.
It’s like Wrigley’s invented
chewing gum just for her.
Some people
see reverse racism
as justified by genetic meritocracy
and historical seniority of sacred monocultural grace
not quite so generously bestowed
as one might more paradise
have multiculturally hoped.
So, some people
see affirmative action
as too liberal with love
too affirming reactionary.
So, some people
see assertive responsiveness
as PositivEnergy ecofeminist reply
to reverse racism
and sexism
and anthro-patriotic national supremacy.
So, some people
see anthro-supremacism
as RightWinged
patriarchal RedMeat.
So, some people
see patriarchalism
as red-faced egocentrism,
longing to rebelong
in green Paradise days
of GoodNews scriptured Olde.
So, some people
see xenophobia,
reverse ecological
and political empowering face
of rabid LeftBrain egocentrism,
and RightBrain eco-racism
and sexism
and anthro homophobicism
So, some people
fake *****sapien
shape-shifting eco-resonant WiseElder minds
with ego-resilient bodies--
inside spiritual climate redeeming health
proclaiming regenerative outside natured wealth.
Like God amassing gifts of gold and frankincense and myrrh,
vain potentates, possessed by pride that riches will confer,
depleted pillaged villages in pagan days of old…
With penetration privileges, their fortunes were foretold.
In feudal times, chaste clerics, cloaked, wrapped rings around the mind
with hymns of magic, mystic myths and figurines enshrined,
while blessing bayonet-like blades that mutilate and maim…
With penetration privileges, believers bore no blame.
In search of caramel colonies, some sailors set their sails
to conquer puppet provinces, for sovereignty prevails,
purloining wicked treasure troves which others claimed their own…
With penetration privileges, such sins sustained the throne.
Well, nowadays the quest proceeds, this time for ebon oil,
so peoples once again are caught within the serpent’s coil
and, pierced by fangs of greed and lust, death yields benign escape…
With penetration privileges, you’re free to rip and rape.
We wave the flags and beat the drums and often kneel to pray
to glorify our victories, bold, that happen far away;
but none salute the severed souls impaled upon a pike…
With penetration privileges, the riffraff look alike.
One day the moguls won’t agree on how to slice the pie;
they’ll spit and spat and, tit-for-tat, atomic barbs will fly -
but when the button’s finally pressed, they too will grace the heap…
With penetration privileges, the hole that’s hewn is deep.
We're members of the Gardens;
We pay our yearly dues.
Their parking lot, though (15 bucks!)
We have to pay to use.
They toss in several passes
Each year when we renew,
But why make members pay at all?
I haven't got a clue.
This policy is bogus
And another thing I hate
Is on those chintzy passes
There's an expiration date.
A membership to something
Should have privileges and perks,
For what's the use of joining
When that rule no longer works?
THEORIES OF LOVE
WORDS SPOKEN BY LOVERS
AGREEMENTS AND FAITHS
LOVERS PARTAKE IN
WHILE AND APRT
STILL, THAT THESE WORDS
HOLD EACH OTHER ACCOUNTABLE
TO CERTAIN PRIVILEGES AND UNDERSTANDINGS
CERTAIN THINGS TO BRING ABOUT SEPARATION
THAT THEY SEE FIT TO CERTAIN RIGHTS
THAT THESE PRIVILEGES
ARE RIGHT IN THE EYES OF
THOSE WHO SEE THEM AS TOGETHER
THAT THIS TRUST IS SACRED
IN THE EYES OF GOD AND MAN
THOSE WHO INTERFERE IN THESE AFFAIRS
ARE SPOKEN OF AS OUTSIDERS AND METTLERS
THOSE WHO WISH TO DESTROY THE TRUST
TAKEN ON BY THESE TWO INDIVIDUALS
WHAT IS SPOKEN AS LOVE MIGHT MEAN THIS
WHAT EVOLVES INTO DISTRUST MAY COME FROM
SUCH ACTIONS
THEY MIGHT AND MAY BE VIOLATIONS OF
SUCH SAID TOGETHERNESS