Best Mayonnaise Poems
That's it, I've had it
She uses Miracle Whip on her sandwich
I just can't handle this, I can't take anymore
I am real careful when I leave how I slam the door
When I left, I took with me
Not clothes or money
No rare painting or the Mingh Dynasty vase
Just what was in the Prenuptual, my jar of mayonnaise
I don't care for the store brand, Sauer's, Blue Plate or Best Foods
With Hellmann's by your side, to have a sandwich, you never have to be in the
mood
A BLT, can you imagine that without the B
Let alone it would be just as disastrous without the LT
But then again, this is America, you can fix your sandwich any old way
That's why when I left, there would be no misunderstanding, I would take the
mayonnaise
Some kind of bagel, bread or bun, sun dried tomato, white or whole wheat
Put whatever you want on the bread, but without out that one thing, it will never be
complete
Maybe I will become a Health Inspector and find out which brand the restaurants
use
If it's not my brand, I will write them up for sandwich abuse
I will find out which type they use, for instance in their Tartar Sauce for their
Breaded Fish Fillets
Or maybe become a Divorce Lawyer to ensure that when my clients divorce they
don't lose out on their mayonnaise
This is a lesson I learned even though
It was in Black and White in our Prenuptual
It still seen its day in court
My girlfriend's lawyer said quit playing hard ball, come on be a sport
He further states she's willing to give you the car and your favorite 45 record by
Stevie Nicks Leather and Lace
I turn it all down and stick to my guns and retain custody of the mayonnaise
To this day, we no longer speak to one another
I got back at her, for years I have secretly shared it with her mother
Is this something I should feel guilty about, show some remorse
I am going to see if can marry the thing I love the most, it will never end in an ugly
divorce
I don't believe that I am going through a mid life crisis or some kind of phase
Please RSVP me and tell me if you feel this strong about your mayonnaise
I had a dream once, years ago.
I found myself on a beach
Beside a windless sea that stretched to the horizon;
In the other direction was a empty expanse of sand.
And on the beach stood
A scrawny little old man
Who said, in a loud voice,
“I AM GOD AND I’M NAKED!”
Except he wasn’t.
Naked that is.
And I had my doubts about the former.
But in the dream I thought,
Well, if he IS God,
Then this seemed a good opportunity
To ask Him about some things
That I’d been wondering about.
After all, He’d know, right?
But first, as a test,
I handed Him something
That looked like an empty two-foot-high mayonnaise jar
With some kind of complicated locking mechanism at the top,
Just to see if He could open it,
Which, being God, He shoulda been able to do, right?
But then I woke up, so I never found out.
My shrink didn’t know what any of this meant, either.
Contemplating the versatility of Mayo
And all that can be done with it
From the slathering on whilst sun bathing
To globbing it on my bologna sandwich
I find it tantalizing to the tastebuds
And it sure does sizzle in the sun
I once applied to much and set my toes on fire
Lucky for me I lost only one
Thank goodness I was near the water
When my foot went up in flames
I guess that's why God gives us ten toes
In case we lose any along the way
As with anything you can even get bored with Mayonnaise
That's why I strive for different ideas
So I put my brain juices into overdrive
And came up with this amazing list
Instead of milk in a shake you can use Mayo
Please wait till the end for all the applause
I'm still having trouble dealing with thickness
And have yet to get it through the straw
Perhaps if I leave out the ice cream
And just add Mayo, milk chocolate, and ice
I guess I'll just keep on experimenting
When it's ready you can be the first in line
And who doesn't like mayonnaise on anchovie pizza
The perfect combination at best
Even better than peanut butter and jelly
If only I can figure out how to package it
Mayonnaise is also the perfect conditioner
You could leave it in your hair for days I suppose
But try to avoid to much time in the sun
After all...remember the toes
I'm going back to my room for more ideas now
Or as I like to call it..."The Mayo Think Tank"
I know my family thinks I'm a genius
Cause they always leave me in there for days
Pressed between twin stale realities,
a mixture of marble thoughts
Dark desires swirling around light devotion,
closet of moth-eaten moral legalities
Lettuce bed of flesh profiteering,
aorta slices of tomato fears
Asphalt of exhausted tears,
lip loyalty was bordello bought
Egged on by the sweet taste of a tainted tart ego,
soul slathering jive turkey flattery
Belly paradise of cooper acid reflux ...
Vomiting worship of dollar bread covetous regal
Mayonnaise daze of pickled yoke poverty,
rich irony is gut baked into the plight
Wry sandwich of crypt-o coin delight,
cemetery carry-out is a bottom feeder notion
Apple cider vinegar voices ... tax packet pocket oppression,
eye sprinkle condemn-mint dissent
Another time, same place location —
Spread the inequality plague of mayonnaise last days lesson
I had put our meeting off so many times for fear that it would fail, and be a waste of time. I prepared a lovely salad. Thought I'd make some mayonnaise. The kind I thought you liked, with a yolk of free-range eggs, gluten-free and ovovegetarian. Low-carb to be on the safe side as well. Not the bottled commercial stuff full of preservatives and chemicals, but hand-made fresh from scratch au naturel, sweet, tasty, tangy and lovely.
I gently beat the egg yolk and slowly drizzled the vegetable oil into it a few drops at a time, while whisking, relatively not too briskly. I thought all was going ever so well. But the mixture became clumpy and lumpy as the emulsion broke, fell apart, and separated. I started again, mixing ever so slowly this time to bring the immiscible oil and yolk slowly together to meld and combine. But I failed again and again and again.
Out of eggs, with no time to get more, I made a vinaigrette instead! Oil and vinegar, smooth and rough, sweet and sour. They meld so well, despite their relative quirks and differences. No yolk this time. Touche.