Best Hypochondriac Poems
Please help me doctor
I feel I can't breathe
my throats closing up
and it's making me wheeze
i'm sure it is asthma
or cancer or worse
please give me something
else I'll leave in a hearse
You poor little thing
it is all in your head
i've told you before
take these tablets instead
it will rob you of all
that makes you yourself
but will stop all your worries
of physical health
But doctor believe me
something is wrong
you've ignored all my symptoms
for far too long
one day i'll be gone
and you'll be to blame
for making me think
i'm completely insane
Me again doctor
this time it's my breast
there's a lump in there now
my cancer has spread
I know it is something
don't give me no pills
cancer is scary
i've seen it,it kills
I've sent you for tests
and they've all came back clear
A chemical inbalance
is the cause of your fear
please try these pills
you will feel just fine
stop wasting the doctors
invaluable time
I've taken your tablets for nearly a year
they did as you said and they stopped all my fear
it suppressed my emotions
my creative flow
but thankfully did
kill my feelings of woe
I realise now that they came at a price
i'd like to return them and start living my life
I"m getting rather faint again
I don"t feel well at all.
My back has gone,my legs both ache
must sit in case i fall
Scurvy,swine flu,measles mumps.
I must have had the lot
I even broke out in a sweat
whilst i was in my cot
The doctor calls,he doesnt care,
Just looks at me and smiles.
I grimace back in pain,not joy.
I"ve just sat on my piles
The end is nigh,and thats a fact.
Of this i can be sure.
My epitaph will surely read..
They couldn"t find the cure
“You’re such a hypochondriac,”
They say with a smirk
As they roll their eyes
I try to come up with lies…
But they just don’t see
The hypochondriac isn’t me
But that 12 year old child
Who nearly went wild
To see Mom lying in bed
Blood gushing from her head
Yet Mom smiled through her tears,
“I’m fine…don’t worry, my dear.”
It’s that little girl who grew
Not knowing what to do
Believing that it’s no lie
Mommy WAS going to die
MS was the monster
That Mamma couldn’t conquer
“Are you afraid I’m going to die?”
Mamma asked her one day
She couldn’t run away
So she gulped down the tears
As Mamma rocked away her fears
But never said it wasn’t so
Yes, she was going to go
After the broken legs and stiches
The garbled speech and twitches
The wheel chair and near misses
All the lopsided kisses
The choking and pain
The burial in the rain
I look at them and say….
“Yes, the hypochondriac is me
Now will you please set me free.”
Hello
Goodbye
Morning
Sickness
Cigarette?
Cancer
Drugs
Salvation
Fluffy little bunnies
Myxomatosis
Yoghurt
Bacteria
Sunshine
Melanoma
Toilet
Armageddon
Death
Everywhere
Drugs
Salvation
Healthy
Obsession
Hypochondriac
Moi?
Swathed in bandages from head to toe
That cut on my finger could go septic you know
I’m not really touting for any attention
It’s a guard against certain, imminent infection
Prevention is better than cure, I’ve always said
Remember what happened to poor old Uncle Fred
He went into hospital after a coughing bout
Popped his clogs and never came out
You can never be too careful in this day and age
A runny nose can go on the rampage
Before you know it, the common cold
Has become an epidemic, killing young and old
I was surfing the internet the other day
And couldn’t believe all the ailments on display
I’ve had most; if not all; of those medical terms
If I wasn’t so ill......I’d do a Masters in germs
copyright 2011
Old Annie has been lying for years
I think it has earned her a degree
She’s so expert at crocodile tears
which will gain her attention you see ...
then her sham illness just disappears!
She’ll google a topical disease
to convince medics that she’s got it
Keyhole surgery on both her knees
faking symptoms, she's not one to quit -
it’s Covid with just one single sneeze!
I can’t understand people who lie
seeking compassion for their fake ills
Then claim state benefits on the sly
faux tablets, mere sugar coated pills
I have just one question to ask - why
Quintain-Sicilian Poetry Contest
Sponsored by Emile Pinet
11/10/20
I once worked with a youth who had gingivitis
Twenty years younger yet she already had arthritis
Pretty enough in spite of her dermatitis
She so craved attention we all thought caused by meningitis
Winters seemed worse with time off due to bronchitis
Bouts in hospital for appendicitis and diverticulitis
Regularly like clockwork she came down with severe vacationitis
After each self-prescribed vacation she’d strangely suffer from moneyitis
She talked our ears off we kept hoping she’d get laryngitis
But no, it was only bursitis and colitis followed by gastritis
Ms. Black sure was high maintenance with her neurosis and neuritis
AP: 1st place 2025, Honorable Mention 2020
My face is covered
In splotches
My hair is dull and brown
My stomach bulges
And my butt is fat
My back- it aches
My head- it throbs
I stubbed my toe
Again
He looked at me
She pulled my hair
And at my clothes
The always stare
My side- it pains
My finger’s jammed
And in the door
My hand was slammed
There’s a moth
I scream with fright
I run away
With all my might
My room’s dark
My feet are cold
And there’s the boogieman
I was told.
Hey, bud, I see
you've got this
weird type of paranoia,
fearfully believing
that all the germs
are scheming to kill ya,
that's why you don't
trust bottled water,
not even tequila;
and you rely so much
on the power
of your disinfectant,
toward a slight smudge
on the doorknob
you're intolerant
because to you it's
the plague
lying there lethally dormant;
nothing wrong with
being sanitary,
with being hygienic,
but yours is a worrisome
worrying, bordering
on the psychotic,
soon you'll be scared
of inhaling air,
boy, that's gonna be tragic!
I went and sneezed this morning, I never sneeze that way
Is this the end?’ I ask myself ‘is this my final day?’
Oh they will shrug their shoulders and surely give a sigh
But it’s not their life at stake, for me the end is nigh!!
Should I call the ambulance or just the doc instead?
Or sip lemon and honey and crawl back to my bed?
‘It’s man flu’ she says, like a pharmacist who knows,
But each and every ailment, surely she cannot diagnose?
Last week I had a cough, she dismissed it out of sight
But it was touch and go I tell you, it gave me such a fright
And then there was the shingles, okay then just a spot,
But it could have been the shingles, that’s what I could have got!!
If they only understood, that it’s not the same for me,
That I want to live a healthy life, ailment free.
It really is depressing that one day I’ll be right
And the way I sneezed this morning, it could well be tonight.
thinking i
somehow
came down
with
parkingson's
but
then
realizing i was
shaking from
alcohol
with
drawl
He sleeps and dreams exercise;
packs his refrigerator
with fruits and vegetables.
A "clean eater," you see.
A worrying germophobe
so afraid of falling ill;
Don't dare cough or sneeze near him,
for he'll run away!
Date written: 08/07/2020
allergic to bees
my greek honey
Spanishly stung me
now i know the
meaning of hives
i caught
a glimpse
of sunset
filled with
feelings
fueled
by anxiety
and depression
thinking that this
actually at this
time everyday
my horizon
will repeat
itself thus
upsetting
me knowing
i'll lose her
everynight
again and
again
adinfinitum
i know he
just wiped
his nose
while he
coughed
and then
put away
that
shopping
cart
so let me
pick another
while i pick
my nose and
wonder is
that other
person
watching
me because
i'm also
paranoid