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Best Hog Heaven Poems | Poetry

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Essay: A Better Kind of Poetry Contest on PoemHunter

CHALLENGE TITLE POETRY CONTEST FOR AUGUST ON POEMHUNTER.COM! 

'WHY DO TURTLES CROSS THE ROAD? '


OK FOLKS! Please choose your favorite poem from those entered here and remember too to give your reasons for your choice. How often is it that we get to hear why the judges (YOU) voted the way that you did. Really it is very important to give reasons. Believe me your reasons are a very important part of the show here. So tell us what you really think.

Poem's can be voted on from Sept.1 to Sept.12, 2014 at which time the winner will be formally announced. PoetrySoup members can vote too if they wish I would have liked to show you the other entries in the contest but since I only wrote two of the poems entered under PoetrySoups laws I cannot do so. Although hosting a contest in Poemhunter is much more difficult than on PoetrySoup,  there are innovations in my contest that I believe make it superior to contests on PoetrySoup. The biggest innovation is democratic voting. The second innovation, is that here is just one winner, and for your vote to count you must explain why you have voted as you have. This innovation can be very amusing. A final innovation is that the Contest Master can 'roast' the contestants. Go to Brian Johnston's site on PoemHunter.com and look for the poem...

[Challenge] Entrees for August! Vote Here!

Proposals of marriage, profanity and other inappropriate comments however will be deleted as soon as they appear. And like the US Supreme Court, I may not be able to define what is inappropriate here, but I know it when I see it.


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! ! ! ! ! THE AUGUST POEMS ENTERED START HERE! ! ! ! !  
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Why Do Turtles Cross The Road? 
(A **Joint** Poem by Diane Hine and 'THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA')          

‘Okie' turtles cross the road 
because they've all read 
‘The Grapes of Wrath' 
AND NOW LIVE 24/7 
IN AN ALCOHOLIC STUPOR 
IN MIGRANT WORKER HOUSING 
TRYING TO IMAGINE 
WHAT THE WORLD WOULD BE LIKE 
IF GILBERT GRAPE WAS PRESIDENT. 

Badbottom Leatherback bikie 
turtles on Harley-Davidsons 
don't just cross the road, 
they own the road 
AND LIVE IN 'HOG' HEAVEN 
THE TRUE FAT CATS (IS THAT A SLUR?)          
OF THE MODERN WORLD. 

Kerouac turtles are the road itself 
SO LIKE SCHROEDINGER'S CAT 
THEY ARE ALWAYS IN BOTH STATES 
AT THE SAME TIME, IE., 
CROSSED AND UNCROSSED, 
IT'S ALL PROBABILITY PROBABLY! ? ! 
ANYWHO, IT'S HARD TO LIVE ANYWHERE 
WHEN THE WORD DESTINATION 
IS NOT IN YOUR VOCABULARY. 

and Chuck Norris turtles never 
have to cross the road because 
the road crosses itself 
EITHER IN TRIBUTE TO L. RON HUBBARD 
(WHO LIVES IN THE HUBBARD TELESCOPE)          
OR BECAUSE THEY HAVE WATCHED 
SO MANY INFOMERCIALS 
THAT CROSSED EYES CAN'T TELL 
ONE SIDE OF THE ROAD FROM THE OTHER 
CHUCK NORRIS TURTLES DON'T LIVE ANYWHERE 
THEY PERSONIFY, ‘I AM.'


Contest Master's Comment - The 'dark horse' of the pack, this poem is probably way to literate to garner many votes even if you have taken voice lessons from the Master of Music himself. Who is that masked man I wonder. Will he ever be unveiled? Surely there enough literary references in this poem to make most vapid English Major cross-eyed.  The only groups left out that I can see are 'Samurai Ninja Turtles' and 'New Age Belly-Button Turtles' who are too frightened of the real world to ever come out of their shells anyway. Did you ever see a turtle levitate?  I think you should add a couple of verses Diane & BO (I mean PO), after the contest is over, don't you? 

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Why Do Turtles Cross The Road? 
By Brian Johnston

‘So why are the turtles crossing the road? 
My sister ask wonderingly
As each turtle would come into view.
No guarantee, but sometimes we'd see them
As we drove with Dad out of town
Checking out cows on a farm or two.

‘It's a great mystery to me, ' I said, 
‘As both sides seem really the same, 
And our vision's much better than theirs.'
‘The problem I see with crossing for turtles…
Is that they're low and also slow
So fast autos catch them unawares.'

A nice gesture, Dad would frequently stop, 
Let us scoop them up in a box
For the ‘turtle farm' at our home place.
The grip's important when picking them up
‘Cause turtles can scratch, bite, and pee, 
Oh what a joke, … ‘turtle won the race! '

But now why does a turtle cross a road? 
Perhaps he's trolling for people? 
Buggers don't care about other side, 
From industries' leaders they take their cue, 
Their mentors, short visioned and slow, 
Who risk their lives to get a free ride.


Contest Master's Comment - Truly the oldest poet in the group, I am hoping to win by means of the sympathy vote crowd. Just think of me as a friendly, old, senile, grandfatherly type. Remember the reasons so many of you voted for Ronald Reagan you tea-party, sociopathic, nabobs of negativism and vote for me too or I will raise your taxes too just like Ronnie did! That's a promise! 

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There are several more poems by other gifted poets on my site. Please come visit.

----------------------------------------

If you like what we have done here.....

>>PLEASE VOTE ON THIS 'POEM CONTEST' (FROM 1-10 <<

Maybe PoemHunter will make contests like this a website
feature in the future like some other websites already do? 

And a huge vote of appreciation to both contibutor and my 
collaborator Bri Edwards (the disgraced ex-poet and now 
reinstated postman!)          

>>>Please help us make this contest even more popular <<<
>>>by emailing your friends on PH and elsewhere even, <<< 
>>>to make the vote as democratic as possible! ! ! ! ! ! ! <<<

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Poem Entries Continue in Part 2


Copyright © Brian Johnston | Year Posted 2014


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NR Hams for Lambs

(Can you guess which Sheep/lamb nursery rhymes
I’ve parodied with these three piggy rhymes?)

1. Oink oink, white pig, have you any pork?
No WAY, Mister! Drop your fork!
You think you’re takin’ bacon? In a pig’s eye!
You’ll have to drag me kicking from my pig’s sty!

2. Sullivan Slime has sold his swine
To a butcher man named Kevin.
They’re gone from his home, no more to roam.
Let's hope they're in hog heaven!

3. Hilda had a big fat hog, big fat hog, big fat hog.
Hilda had a big fat hog; its snout was cute and pink.
And everywhere it went with her, went with her, went with her,
And everywhere it went with her, it made an awful stink.

To hide its smell, she used her car, used her car, used her car.
To hide its smell, she used her car to take it near and far.
And since on freeways it was hauled, it was hauled, it was hauled,
And since on freeways it was hauled, a “road hog” it was called.


For the Nursery Rhyme Contest of  Debra Squyres


Copyright © Andrea Dietrich | Year Posted 2013


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Biker

                       BIKER 
The night sky is made of black tar, and broken glass,
And the moon, if you melt it in a spoon, once was an old hubcap.
So by the light of night, ride the Milky Way’s bright stars
And by day, cruse the endless highway, 
Via cheap biker bars, expensive cigars, and blues guitars. 

A heart made of gasoline and chrome,
The oily platelets of mother earth, is the only blood in my veins.
The road I roam, together or alone, is my home. 
What is around the bend? And is it there still? That is all I ask.
So, fill the haloed hills with wonder. To wander is my task.

Brimstone, flame, and thunder, as I ride down the lane,
My brain, in a padded bucket, to prove that I’m not totally insane.
Picture my skin, some would call it a sin!
But, despite the pain, I like to go against the grain. 
Demons, angels, and all beings that have wings,
Or a naked dame, to me they are all the same.

The wind boldly whispers through my hair.
If I listen, it will tell me the truth, but most of the time I don’t care!
There is hell to pay in hog heaven I’m told
So, with Dionysus, I celebrate the mystery of the unnamed tree,
For me, I must set my mind free, and dare to bare my soul.

The ghost in the machine I found is me. 
And God, would you believe, I can make more noise than Thee?
In a gator’s abode my bones ride free, no cares to cross my ride
No law to abide, at least none that I saw!

If I were a serpent I would swallow my tail
And into eternity sail.
Where the rubber meets the road
There, forever, would be my abode!



Copyright © roger landry | Year Posted 2008