Best Groaner Poems
Hey everyone... do you know what time it is!!!
It's time for The Jester Jack Comedy Hour
Brought to you by "Hair Today... Gone Tomorrow!"
The makers of fine electric shavers
Now I know what you're thinking, I have a beard
Why would I need an electric shaver
Well, I have very hairy arms and legs
A massive hairy chest and arm holes
As well as very bushy eyebrows and ear holes!
Now on to the show... have you heard this one
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
Give up???... A STICK!
Got a million of 'em
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana
Dum de um dum!
More? Okay...
Do not argue with an idiot... he will drag you down to his level
Then beat you with experience!
Here's another... graveyard workers really dig their jobs
A real groaner!
Da de da de da da... da de da de da da
Well that's all the time we have folks!
So be sure to tune in next time
To The Jester Jack Comedy Hour!
© Jack Ellison 2014
Categories:
groaner, humorous,
Form:
Narrative
I have become a groaner
Misery and a moaner,
My body is becoming frail
My eyes are fading my face is pale.
My legs are wobbly, I wear a brace,
Behind these wrinkles, I have a face
Not one that would launch a thousand ships
Or a mouth that kissed a thousand lips,
But a countenance that is a part of me
That was once young and fancy-free,
Shake yourself, silly old girl.
Put on some music,
Give your leg a twirl,
Roll your eyes, and clap your hands,
As you listen to the old-time bands
Of yesterday,
All your moans will dance away.
Categories:
groaner, 10th grade,
Form:
Rhyme
The little old woman who lived in a shoe
Wasn't the sole owner
Apparently there were strings attached
Wow that was a real groaner
I have never been a big fan of archery
Too many drawbacks, for me
Rookie pirates make terrible singers
Can't really hit the high seas
For plumbers a flush sure beats a full house
And I'm not talking poker here
Have you heard about that origami store
The damn thing folded it appears
In a room where the curtains were drawn
The rest of the furniture was real
Love means nothing to tennis players
Doesn't have a lot of appeal
The butcher backed into the meat grinder
And got a little behind in his work
Heard it before but it's one of the good ones
Let's celebrate and pop the cork
Do you know the real definition of a will
It's a dead giveaway
... grrrrooooaaaannnn
© Jack Ellison 2013
Categories:
groaner, funny,
Form:
Quatrain
Was going to look for my missing watch
But just couldn't find the time
Simply no telling where my mind is going
This very strange mind of mine
Here's the ultimate groaner, my friends
I used to be a good tap dancer
But then one sad day I fell in the sink
Asked how I was, couldn't answer
D'ya hear about the crime that happened
In a downtown parking garage?
It was so damn wrong on so many levels
Heard it was a case of sabotage
With the scary approach of the apocalypse
Armageddon out of here
That's silly, whoever's coming up with these
Is more than just a little bit weird
A man had a difficult time bouncing back
From a serious bungee cord accident
Been to the dentist and I know the drill
Tells me toothaches you can prevent
Reading a great book about anti-gravity
Find it almost impossible to put down
It's floating around the living room all day
One time it nearly broke my crown
Dead batteries are sometimes given away
Free of charge I have heard
Think someones's trying to brighten my day
Now that is downright absurd
© Jack Ellison 2013
Categories:
groaner, funny,
Form:
Quatrain
I squeeze in on the horse’s side,
spurring the mustang to a trot,
he makes his way on this trail ride,
up a hill to a sunny spot.
Three others are along with me,
two strangers and guide, the owner,
there blows a subtle, cooling breeze,
the guide cracks a joke, a groaner.
We reach a fine, sweeping view-point,
the Catskills roll out to the south,
my horse is acting out-of-joint,
grasps some undergrowth in his mouth.
Lift his head so he gets no more,
shouldn’t be eating with his bit,
then shift my weight, my legs are sore,
tomorrow I will pay for this.
But right now I don’t really care,
in fact I’d rather like to stay,
back of a horse, good for the soul,
to use a Churchill paraphrase.
We ride down, the rhythmic motion
always puts me into a trance,
come to a flat, wish I could run,
but I don’t think I’ll get the chance.
The strangers are new to riding,
they’re awkward just sitting up straight,
if the horses went a-flying
they’d be tossed clear off from the gait.
Work our way through a big spruce wave,
birds flitter about in the boughs,
enter a field with fresh-cut hay,
scattered in bales across the ground.
Leisurely through a high ravine,
where shadows fall upon our face,
looks kind of like a spooky dream,
a dark, moss-bound, and haunted place.
A deer looks up from where he feeds,
cocks his head, looking all confused,
the smell of human, he should flee!
But then they smell like horses too?
Pass him by, then ride ‘round a curve,
I can see a familiar barn,
guide says,”Now, it’s back to the world,”
as I look to my beat-up car.
I frown at the sight of hard steel,
these rides never seem all that long,
sorely tempted to kick my heels,
take the horse, keep ambling on…
Categories:
groaner, day, farm, freedom, horse,
Form:
Cowboy Poetry
the staff here at lim’rik flats
has noticed a shortage of laughs
poetry soupers
need some whoopers
Please double your sillies by halfs
And just so you will not get bored
the staff here will give an award
“giggle-of-the-day”
is easy to play
(and playing is half the reward!)
There on your tongue, on the tip,
is a jest, a joke or a quip
turn it loose, silly
it might be a dilly
Don’t be roosting aloof with tight lip
Not everyone is a clown
but better a groaner than frown
an addle pratfall
just may be your call
you might even light up the town
Lim’rik Flats is, of course, biased
We will pick the one which laughs highest
we are subjectives
but give no invectives
and we’ll praise everyone for their tryest!
*if you see “GOTD!” under your sillies, you have won!
Categories:
groaner, fun, games, nonsense,
Form:
Limerick
Laughter's healthy, contagious, and brightens your day.
It's pun that's a groaner or joke that's risque.
It's a belly laugh, horse laugh, or laugh like a loon
At a comic strip. slapstick or clown or cartoon.
Laughter's chuckles and chortles, a snicker or snort.
It's a humorist's quip or a jester at court.
It's amusement that's droll or the last laugh that's best
Or a rib-tickler, knee-slapper, jape, or a jest.
Laughter's mirth and hilarity, wisecracks or wags.
It's a yuk or a cackle and zingers and gags.
You can giggle, guffaw, or can laugh up your sleeve,
Bust a gut, or with levity tension relieve.
Laughter's wit that's impromptu or monologue planned.
Its a sitcom with punchlines and laughter that's canned.
It's a pie in the face or a pratfall or prank
And comedian's laugh all the way to the bank.
Categories:
groaner, fun, giggle, happiness, humor,
Form:
Quatrain
I twice shortchanged Warren one of the two “t”s in Buffett. I found Ogden Nash did a fine job with double letters in "The Lama".
That inspired me to write, in apology for slighting Mr. Buffett:
The Buffet
The one-t buffet,
That's a punch,
Or a place to
Have your lunch.
The two-t Buffett?
He never knew
A fiscal crunch.
And I will bet
A silken tuffet
There isn't any
Three-t buffettt. *
--- Oliver Klosov
* The author regrets that he cannot duplicate
Ogden Nash's final “groaner” re a “three-t buffettt” . Pooh.
If that's not enough it will have to do. (heh heh)
Categories:
groaner, analogy, humor, word play,
Form:
Burlesque
The little old woman who lived in a shoe
Wasn't the SOLE owner
Apparently there were strings attached
Wow that was a real groaner
I have never been a big fan of archery
Too many DRAWBACKS, for me
Rookie pirates make terrible singers
Can't really hit the HIGH SEAS
For plumbers a flush sure beats a FULL HOUSE
And I'm not talking poker here
Have you heard about that origami store
The damn thing FOLDED it appears
In a room where the curtains were DRAWN
The rest of the furniture was real
“Love” means ZERO to tennis players
That didn't have a lot appeal
The butcher backed into the meat grinder
And got a little BEHIND in his work
Heard it before but it's one of the good ones
Let's celebrate and pop the cork
Do you know the real definition of a will
It's a DEAD giveaway
Categories:
groaner, happy,
Form:
Rhyme
The funnies are stealing back into my soul
They've never really strayed very far
Both love and laughter make a great pair
It's the place I latch on to my star
Laughing they say is good for your ticker
Got a pretty strong heart this old man
From first light of day till the very last glimmer
Love and laughter go hand in hand
Makes the world spin, well certainly mine
Sometimes have a tendency to get down
With uncontrollable things that happen in life
Smile brightly and banish the frowns
Just tell yourself a silly old groaner
But try hard to keep a straight face
People around you will slowly back away
And quietly give you some space
The funnies are back but not all the way
But stay tuned and trust me I say
Has this old guy ever lied to you before
Let's not go there... just have a nice day!
© Jack Ellison 2013
Categories:
groaner, fun, life, love,
Form:
Quatrain
Balmore Eruv Verve!
Once there was a Rabbi Yonah,
Whose Shabbos Eruv made you wonder,
Does Yonah’s art belong in the Louvre?
Does our gratitude behoove yah?
This Detroit Tiger slams a Homah!
For Yonah is Balmore’s donor,
Mesiras Nefesh, never a groaner,
Keeping Jews in the groove,
It only goes to prove,
Huh? Giving generously makes one an owner!
Categories:
groaner, appreciation, birthday, friend, jewish,
Form:
Limerick
an economic an'a-list of things recorded
that t-rump-issed on the economic wall-street
....to play the orchestrated dis-chord movements
in 'bank-erupts foreclosure' symphonic music creations....
of a hollywood background moaner and groaner opera
sounding notes of a knotty volunteer financial fall guy
living off a billion dollar bank credit card
that's now been cancelled being that everything ends
stan sand
Categories:
groaner, 3rd grade, angst, music,
Form:
Free verse
I have become a moaner,
Huffing, puffing, growling, groaner
I find it hard to bend and stretch
My dog is too old to 'Go fetch'
'You fetch yourself.' my old pooch said.
As he snuggled up in his doggy bed.
I totter outside to get the paper,
That's lying on the lawn
It's poured with rain, the newspaper is wet,
Dirty, tattered and torn,
It was beyond redemption
Too far gone to read
Another bone of contention
Just what I need.
I can hear the telephone ringing,
From inside the house
My ears are stinging
Where is my spouse?
I try my best to hurry,
To answer the phone
If someone doesn't answer it,
They will think we are not home.
It is no use calling my husband,
Because he is stone deaf.
Not only is he deaf, he is losing his mind,
If truth be told, we are two of a kind.
I must try not to grumble, mutter and complain,
I must get more positive if I want to stay in the game.
Life is what you make it. I understand why that is so,
To look on the bright side is the best way to go.
Categories:
groaner, 10th grade,
Form:
Rhyme
I had financially fallen on very difficult times,
and had to sell many of my valued treasures,
including twenty rolls of uncirculated dimes.
To get the best bids, I'd taken great measures.
Most valuable was a glass sculpture of Earth,
but only be sold without taking it apart.
There had never been an estimate of its worth
and letting it go at auction was breaking my heart.
I had it very clearly stated in the contract deal
that once the gavel struck, it belonged to the buyer.
The status of my insurer signed it with his seal,
and that information was revealed in an auction flyer.
The bidding began and only one paddle was raised.
Four thousand dollars was insulting for this artwork,
although the Baccarat sculpture was not appraised.
I looked pleadingly at the patient auctioneer, Kirk.
What a calamity if I didn't receive a larger price.
My hopes suddenly began to plummet to a new low
I had no belongings left to sell, nothing to sacrifice.
I didn't know where to turn after this financial blow.
Then, a phone bid came in at ten thousand pounds
"Going once, twice.... SOLD! " Kirk had done his job.
But the buyer backed out. I asked, "On what grounds?"
They sent me to an office where I met a guy named Bob.
He said the bidder hadn't read all the terms of shipping
and that he was afraid the fragile sculpture would shatter.
Legally, the sale was binding. The buyer must be tripping
if he thought I'd let him out of the purchase, it didn't matter.
A deal was a deal, and he was now the brand-new owner
of A Baccarat global sculpture that weighed nearly a ton.
He didn't read the fine print, and now he was a groaner.
Finding a way to move that gigantic piece that he'd won.
Later that day, I received a cashier's check for the money.
The eccentric buyer wanted it for his wife, and to be gifted
to her on her next birthday. Turned out, he thought it funny
and would install it in their greenhouse if they got it lifted.
Categories:
groaner, humor,
Form:
Rhyme
Was going to look for my missing watch
But just couldn't find the time
Simply no telling where my mind is going
This very strange mind of mine
Here's an ultimate groaner, my friends
I used to be a good tap dancer
But then one sad day I fell in the sink
Asked how I was, couldn't answer
D'ya hear about the crime that happened
In a downtown parking garage?
It was so damn wrong on so many levels
Heard it was a case of sabotage
With the scary approach of the apocalypse
Armageddon out of here
That's silly, whoever's coming up with these
Is more than just a little bit weird
A man had a difficult time bouncing back
From a serious bungee cord accident
Been to the dentist and I know the drill
Tells me toothaches you can prevent
Reading a great book about anti-gravity
Find it almost impossible to put down
It's floating around the living room all day
One time it bonked me on my crown
Dead batteries are sometimes given away
Free of charge I've heard
Think someones's trying to brighten my day
Now that is downright absurd
Categories:
groaner, fun,
Form:
Rhyme