Best Funnyhome Poems
A magic mirror told the queen that Snow White was the fairest in the land!
This put Her Majesty in a terrible snit and to the woods she had her banned!
She hired a hit man to have Snow White slain but he'd have none of that!
He let her go and she trudged along a path and came upon this run-down flat.
She rapped upon the door and hearing no answer stealthily crept inside.
Snow White had never seen such clutter - such a mess she could not abide!
She grabbed a broom, mop and pail and began to swab and dust and sweep.
Weary from her labors she climbed the stairs, found a bed and fell asleep!
The unlikely denizens of the little shack worked in the local diamond mine.
'Twas a 'Grimm' looking lot wending their way home through towering pine.
Dopey the younger, Doc the intellectual, Bashful, he with the coy pose,
Drousy Sleepy, crabby Grumpy, pudgy Happy and Sneezy with finger to his nose!
The little munchkins arrived home to find this beautiful creature in their bed!
She awoke rubbing sleep from her eyes, stared in disbelief and nearly fled!
Eventually, Snow White became a mother figure to that chaotic, motley crew!
She tucked them in bed, cooked their grub and settled beefs when fisticuffs flew!
Each morn the dorks shouldered tools heading for the pit to earn their dough,
Singing a quaint song they made famous, "Hi ho! Hi ho! Its off to work we go!"
Mister Disney made this classic film in 1937 when I was but a mere child!
Even today in my dotage, watching it with my grandkids, I'm still beguiled!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Tied for First Place in Linda Marie's "Disney" Contest - August 2011
I was really having trouble deciding on a pet
Exactly what I wanted I wasn’t sure just yet
I pondered and I pondered until I couldn’t bear it
Then it finally came to me, I’ll get a baby carrot
Now I did not expect to have just any orange sprout
It took a lot of looking to pick the right one out
By the time I picked one out, my head was in a whirl
But he was sure a cutie and I quickly named him Earl
Earl can be a character and he is quite a riot
But when I’m watching TV, he’s always very quiet
Earl won’t watch the Gourmet Chef, in fact he really hates him
It’s because one day he cooked some carrots and he ate them
Earl always keeps a tidy room and never makes a mess
He never gives me trouble and I really must confess
The few times he’s been naughty and had to have a whack
He took it well and never even thought of talking back
I recently brought home for Earl a little carrot friend
I think it was a big mistake that bit me in the end
When I got home from work today I caught him kissing Earl
And then it finally dawned on me, my carrot is a girl
Well here we are the last day of school
Let's hit the beach the park and even the pool
The kids are home for the summer
As I start to think I begin to wonder
They going to be home with me hey that's not cool
Always at the end of his jokes
She heads off to visit her folks
Being a blonde is no fun
So off she does run
For sometime away from her bloke
So into the country she heads
This blonde who is now a brunette
But on the road she does meet
A woolly flock off nice sheep
As she slams on the anchors in sweat
To the shepherd she offers to ask
How many you have is my task
If I guess it dead right
I take one home tonight
As she hopes to lose this blonde mask
She counts as she guesses bang on
There is one hundred and seventy one
Slowly looking around
She takes the one sitting down
Feeling shes on a home run
Now the shepherds been left so agog
Amazed at this brunette road hog
Her shade of hair he has guessed
Birth blonde you are blessed
It's not a sheep you have, it's my dog
You just don’t appreciate me
And all the things I do
When I don’t come home until late
I do it all for you
I treat you like a movie star
After two days I call you on the phone
Actually I treat you like Greta Garbo
She wanted to be alone
You don’t understand the sacrifices
That I make each day of the year
Instead of wonderful quality time at home
I spend lousy time drinking beer
Sometimes I stay up all night with a friend
Because she’s, I mean he’s feeling down
You want me to be a more caring person
So it’s for you I’m on that side of town
I hope this will help you understand
Why I do all the things I do
So you know when I’m not home for a week
That I’m doing it all for you.
Just fun and fiction!!!!!
I was a vampire that night.
My fangs were red and orange with candy corn.
My face was smeared white with sweat and paste
Causing a ghoulishly acrid taste to drip into my mouth.
My plan and curfew were quite clear, quite simple:
I needed to suck the mortality out of 4-7 9-year-old female virgins
And be back home in bed by 9:45. (It could be done.)
The week prior I had heard of an un-dead 3rd grader in Transylvania...
Sucked the blood of 100 10-year-old ex-girlfriends
And still made it home for apples and cheese.
Yet my own path of hallow'd terror
Could not commence unless I fixed the strap of my candy bucket.
I discarded the flimsy plastic strap for some frightfull-looking bungee cords,
For you see, I was not only the Ruler of the Night, winged and blood-thirsty,
I was also a genius! (I knew where the tiny bungees were kept.)
With deadened grace I floated slowly out the front door
And into the tar-colored world of shrieks and cries and moms.
I would show no mercy!
Vanquish all Truth and Light!
And always look both ways
Before crossing the Streets Of the Dead!
(And the Danged!)