Up the Creek Without a Paddle

I kept all of my money in my mattress instead of a bank. It was stolen last week and I only have myself to thank. I have never trusted banks, that's why my mattress was stuffed. I want to buy a hot dog but I'm so poor that I don't have enough. I'd like to strangle the thief, he's a dirty crook and a rotten louse. I can't pay my mortgage and the bank is going to take my house. I had three million bucks stuffed in my mattress. My wife left me today and now I'm so depressed. Now I'm up the creek without a paddle and my boat just sank. Don't make the same mistake that I did, keep your money in a bank. (Even though this fictional poem is intended to be funny, it's not a good idea for people to keep large sums of money in their homes.)