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Up In Smoke

My father waits at his table
                                        for my delivery
a carton of cigarettes, some booze
                                        to patch places of laceration
his health waning, piecemeal, like a trail of crumbs
       dismantled independence 
       the coldest solitude of age

he lifts the cigarette carton I bring, crashes it to the table
"I told you regular smokes, not King size!"

flawed purchase on my part, 
                                     catching his smoky torch of rage
my father, no longer a full self of goodness
                   his prostate cancer, a derailment
                   our scripts dysfunctional that divide us
                                                                 like broken cement
still, I shop for him, a life alone in a gray wasteland
my duty, a quest for inner peace

the familiar charity in my father drifts from him
                                   like cigarette ash, up in smoke

I kiss his cheek before I go
                 unguarded moment
                 to heal battlefield wounds
                 to open barricades between us

                 the battered stumble of hope







Poem composed: January 23/2022
Copyright © | Year Posted 2022

Poem

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Messina Avatar
March 19, 2026 at 2:19 AM
Brian, first of all...I'm so sorry for your loss. My parents were both smokers, mom passed 35 years ago from cancer, dad about 15 years gone now. It's a horrible disease. This May will make 2 years cigarette free for me. Touching write... Hope all is well...Charlie
Sambourne Avatar
March 19, 2026 at 8:10 PM
Greetings Charles. Thanks very much for you thoughtful message. I haven't written poems for some time now. I care for some seniors since my mother died in late August 2024. Perhaps I will write again. I hope all is well with you. Congratulations on being cigarette free. Cheers. Brian
Woodrow Avatar
December 24, 2022 at 4:38 PM
Such a great write …. I’ve known a few who were similar in their reaction to pain, and it is hard to remain patient or stay tolerant…love the dysfunctional divide likened to broken cement lines .. best wishes to you and happy holidays:)
Sambourne Avatar
December 24, 2022 at 4:43 PM
Greetings Susan, Your stop by + affirmative take on my poem is much appreciated. All the best of the Holiday Season to you + your family. Be well. Sincerely, Brian
George Avatar
February 7, 2022 at 8:55 PM
I feel your grief and your agitation over the reactions of your father.... a man suffering from terminal cancer ! His inner agony comes out in the form of anger even to his children. Still you understand him and try your best to mend the broken relationship. This poem is so beautifully crafted that it pulls hard at the heart strings !
Sambourne Avatar
February 7, 2022 at 9:40 PM
Thank you, Valsa. You are right that my father was at war with his pain. My father's prostate cancer metastasis to his bones took him soon after an evening fall. Your message to me is most thoughtful. Best wishes. Brian
Staton Avatar
February 6, 2022 at 5:57 AM
Your poetry has wonderful imagery. I could so clearly see the scene as if I was sitting before my television screen. Heartfelt condolence for your loss. Take care and God bless you and those you adore.
Sambourne Avatar
February 6, 2022 at 6:12 AM
I appreciate your positive response to my poem, Valerie. It's very kind of your to drop by. My mother is currently still with us in her 100th year. My poem "Quest" is a tribute to her fortitude. Best wishes always. Brian
Seeker Avatar
January 31, 2022 at 9:39 PM
Tragic and yet the touch of love displayed, so endearing!
Sambourne Avatar
February 1, 2022 at 6:05 AM
Thank you for your stop by Seeker, + noting that love persists in a difficult relationship. Best wishes, Brian
Peck Avatar
January 31, 2022 at 9:17 PM
Oh, Brian, this is so sad. So difficult the relationships between parent and child... it's a beautiful poem.
Sambourne Avatar
January 31, 2022 at 9:26 PM
Thank you Ann. I did have a troubled relationship with my dad. Booze often alters disposition + that was so with my father. Still, his work ethic was commendable. My appreciation for your stop by. Sincerely, Brian
Deslippe Avatar
January 31, 2022 at 4:24 PM
I feel like I visualize your poem as I read it. You're a really good writer.
Sambourne Avatar
January 31, 2022 at 6:46 PM
Your kind remarks, Catherine, note one of my objectives - to pull the reader into my narrative. Most thoughtful of you to stop by. All the best, Brian
Brown Avatar
January 31, 2022 at 1:33 PM
Great work Brian. You are an excellent word craftman.
Sambourne Avatar
January 31, 2022 at 6:41 PM
Hello Douglas, Most appreciative of your stop by + uplifting take on my poem. Sincerest regards, Brian
Kiser Avatar
January 30, 2022 at 5:08 PM
So sad, it's a problem when someone has cancer from smoking. Well done.
Sambourne Avatar
January 30, 2022 at 6:16 PM
Hello ML. Thank you for your note. My dad avoided lung cancer from smoking but developed prostate cancer, something which I now have. Be well. Sincerely, Brian
Radice Avatar
January 30, 2022 at 12:28 PM
I feel the anger in your father battling against the cancer and the transferring of his misplaced anger. We humans are complex creatures. Another great write Brian. Cheers - Gary
Sambourne Avatar
January 30, 2022 at 12:56 PM
Thank you, Gary. You are correct - my father was a very complex man who struggled with addictions to thwart decades of physical pain. Here the cancer rages in him. Much appreciate your stop by + thoughts. Brian
Ibeh Avatar
January 28, 2022 at 7:51 AM
Truly amazing, poignant work here, Brian:-) Your poetry packs a wallop! Heartiest congratulations on your win in my contest. I'm sorry for your loss.
Sambourne Avatar
January 28, 2022 at 8:03 AM
Thanks very much for your thoughtful assessment of my poem. Your contests, Edward, consistently include intriguing titles to prompt verse. My appreciation for your sympathy on the loss of my dad. I lost him some years ago. Be well. Brian
Baker Avatar
January 26, 2022 at 11:59 PM
Sorry for your loss, Brian. The process of passing, and the way it affects relationships is different for each relationship. The kiss was a great start to healing the wounds. I pray that your Creator will bless and keep you. A poet friend, Bill
Sambourne Avatar
January 27, 2022 at 5:25 AM
Hello Bill, I appreciate your thoughtful remarks on my piece + sympathy. To me, making peace with one's parents is paramount no matter past conflict. My dad was a very troubled soul. Sincerest regards, Brian
Alex Avatar
January 25, 2022 at 7:56 PM
Your writings are very interesting to read. This is one of them. Beautiful. Congratulations!
Sambourne Avatar
January 25, 2022 at 8:26 PM
Thank you, Christuraj. Much of my work is narrative rooted in autobiography or from images I see in an urban to forest landscape. Be well. Sincerely, Brian
Kavanagh  Avatar
January 23, 2022 at 11:56 AM
Wonderful sincere and raw Brian, you tell it as you see it, no glossing over the broken cement if indeed it’s broken at all, us males can have strange complex relationships with our fathers I know I certainly did, we loved each other without saying it, your doing your best, don’t ever doubt it, cheers David
Kavanagh  Avatar
January 23, 2022 at 12:46 PM
Sorry to hear your Dad passed Brian, I think I read this in the present tense, perhaps that fiestiness helped him deal with such an unforgiving disease, cheers
Sambourne Avatar
January 23, 2022 at 12:02 PM
Hello David, Thank you for your kind words. I lost my dad about a year later after this episode, to prostate cancer that metastasized to his bones. He made it to age 81, feisty to the end. My appreciation for your insightful comments. Be well. Brian (Thank you, David. My dad lived a full life but much of his anger in the last months was from the loss of a functioning self, a body betrayed. Take care of yourself. Brian)
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