The Reason Why I Flinch

You ask me- why it is, that I flinch ? With every sudden movement , that I don't see coming. Like I expect to be hit . It's a leftover reaction . Like a residual tic. A predetermined mechanism physically attempting to defend my physical self. For at the hands of another, my body has been beaten , been broken , and battered . My heart has been shattered . My spirit through and through has had it. Now ,I have to , sit here and explain to you Why I sit with my back to the wall Of every room , and why I'm afraid of my own shadow. . Because the ptsd that envelopes me, Is like an unseen deformity Of my brain , when I'm triggered , my mind gets stuck In the moment of my trauma ,and I'm reliving them again. So when I hide my face And tuck in my chin Shudder as your fingertips brush against my skin , It comes from someplace deep within. Someplace between the past , And , how long until it happens again? I know you say, how could I think this of you? But, he said he would never too ! And each and every time his fist Or open hand Made contact with my bare skin, I felt all at once the total shock and disbelief, Immediate denial that this broken girl was me. I guess I had to learn this lesson repeatedly. So when you ask me why I'm a jumpy ball of nervous energy ,and why I'm always flinching? Because ,my ptsd has crippled me . This is what is left of me. Existing in the fear that is my reality. And, there is no more room for Empty I love yous . Only final goodbyes , Permanent and absolute. As is the pain I try so hard in vain to disguise But the truth is, I cannot hide, Or wish to deny.. The truth, that is such a sad truth. But a truth nonetheless that is mine. And I don't have it in me even one single inch of doubtful benefit, so the reality is ,this is the answer to your question, the reason why I flinch.