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The Great Pretender

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In less than 12 hours I will be starting a new job. The first job I've had other than working for myself doing remodeling for years. Ever since I fell off a roof breaking my hip in two places and hyper extending my right shoulder. I tell you this not because I want sympathy. A prayer might be nice though. Yes a prayer would be great. I tell you this because I am absolutely terrified. Afraid I'll fail. I won't be able to cut it. Yet I went through the entire application process and drug screen and every thing else involved. And it took until right now for the doubt and fear to set in. This writing is different than anything I've ever done and I doubt there's anything poetic about it. But I needed to tell someone. And I hoped it could be you. The Great Pretender I pretend that I am strong when weak is what I am. I pretend I have no fear when fear is all I know. I pretend that I am laughing when I only want to cry. I pretend I'm having fun when I wish there was someplace to hide. I pretend that you don't know when I can sense you do. But still I don't pretend for me I pretend so you don't feel bad for me. I am the great pretender! I don't want to be alone but I don't want you in my pain. I may need your help but that doesn't make me want it. I pretend I am proud and dignified when both of those things left me long ago. I pretend that I'm not broken but I can't or maybe I won't hide it from me. I am the great pretender! I pretend everything is going to work out and that I am holding it together. I pretend that you can't see But I don't believe it. I pretend I'm not withdrawn while I hide in the shadows. I pretend that I'm not frightened but I am. I am afraid. I am the great pretender! I pretend I know I can tell you anything but I can't tell you everything. Because what if I did? What if I told you everything? Then you would know and you would be like me. You would confuse what I told you with what you think you know and then. And then we'd both be pretending. And then maybe someday you would pretend better than me but then you would be the great pretender and I would be lost again. Left to only pretend I'm pretending. No. I think it best if we just keep it real and let me go on pretending. Because I am the great pretender. ECH

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Carrie Richards

Date: 5/29/2015 6:00:00 PM

Who can't relate to this heartfelt poem? You wear your heart on your sleeve, and that is the most courageous act of all. Harder I suppose, for men than for women.There is no one among us, who hasn't been the 'great pretender'some time in our lives.Pretending we are strong, when afraid,..pretending to fit in, when shy, pretending to be happy, when we are not. I know how hard each step might be..but you have leaped a hurdle by sharing this. It may even help someone else:) Good luck Edwin !!

Edwin Hofert
Date: 5/30/2015 8:52:00 AM

I agree it's more relate able than many might admit. And I'm also happy to say it was a passing moment and everything worked out wonderful. Now to stay on course. I think I got this. Thank you Carrie! And God bless! Ed

Andrea Dietrich

Date: 5/29/2015 5:09:00 PM

I am sorry to hear of your plight and that you broke your hips. It must be terrifying for you to go back to work. My husband suffers from depression and panic attacks so I well understand what you are going through. Prayers for you, Edwin!!! (Judy's poem drew me to this one, have you seen it?)

Edwin Hofert
Date: 5/30/2015 8:58:00 AM

It is a mixed bag of emotions for sure. I am encouraged to say that they welcomed me with open arms. I am excited and I admit still a little anxious at my own ability to perform. But I am determined. And now only time will tell. I am sorry to hear about your husband I've been there without a doubt. God bless you and yours and thank you! Now to read Judy's poem :)

Jan Allison

Date: 5/29/2015 3:40:00 PM

Oh Edwin i wish I had read this earlier - firstly congrats on the new job and the promotion. What a deep emotional write my friend - the only thing that has been holding you back is doubts about yourself - but now you have can rid of some of the ghosts of the past and can and will make positive steps - just one step at a time but your life will change for the better and your self confidence will fly :-) Am delighted for you:-) Hugs jan xx

Edwin Hofert
Date: 5/30/2015 8:49:00 AM

Thank you Jan. I'm happy to say it all worked out even better than I had imagined! Woohoo!

Richard Lamoureux

Date: 5/29/2015 9:56:00 AM

I can relate, even having a successful career there is a part of me that says I don't deserve it and "If the knew, it would fall like a house of cards" it is natural for us to have doubts, the important thing is to put one foot in front of the other. I have no doubt you will be fine. The fact you care puts you miles ahead of many employees. I said a prayer for you.

Edwin Hofert
Date: 5/29/2015 1:23:00 PM

Thank you Richard. I cannot begin to explain what these comments of encouragement and support mean to me. But I know they will be what gets me through it. Thank you my friend.

Nirode Ray

Date: 5/28/2015 11:15:00 PM

Hi Edwin, we all hear your fear and listen to your worries. Salute to you for being so candid and courageous in telling your story. " It's like a storm That cuts a path It breaks your will It feels like that You think you're lost But you're not lost on your own you're not alone" We will stand by you. Good luck! P.S - I liked your poem.

Edwin Hofert
Date: 5/29/2015 5:30:00 AM

Nirode. Thank you. I doubt you can know how much that means to me. Thankyou thank you. God bless Ed

Judy Konos

Date: 5/28/2015 10:35:00 PM

One More Time! "GET IT TOGETHER!" You are NOT a Great Pretender! You are NOT even a Pretender! You CAN DO that job with both hands tied behind your back! You're intelligent. Probably the best looking guy I ever saw! You have humor, compassion, understanding and up until a couple of miserable days ago.YOU HAD CONFIDENCE! I think everybody on SOUP loves you and when you report for "duty" think about us.We need your support just like you need ours. I think you owe us that much consideration! Savvy?

Edwin Hofert
Date: 5/29/2015 5:33:00 AM

HI! I'm feeling more (together) this morning. I fully expected when I looked in the mirror this morning to see a large hairy boil had developed between my eyes overnight. Or to have a gout episode in the night. But nothing happened! I'm fine. LOL. Maybe my luck really is changing! Love to you Judy hugs and more hugs. Ed

Kp Nunez

Date: 5/28/2015 9:24:00 PM

I just told you good luck in my other comment, and here I see how you really feel. Instead, I pray for and declare immense blessings upon you as you have been such a blessing for me and others. May God always pour wisdom, knowledge and understanding upon you, a happy heart, may kindhearted people surround you, and all the things I failed to mention. A great soul-baring poem that took an enormous amount courage. Go for it, Ed! You're under HIS wings. Hugs! Kim

Edwin Hofert
Date: 5/29/2015 5:35:00 AM

You are so awesome. Where ever you are and where ever you go. Will never know how lucky they are to have you. :) God bless!! Hugs. I may be out of my comfort zone by quite a ways. But I'm still in my element. :) Thank you dear Kim

Tim Smith

Date: 5/28/2015 9:10:00 PM

You'll do fine my friend.... Don't try to do to much.

Edwin Hofert
Date: 5/29/2015 5:37:00 AM

Thank you Tim. I think today will be mostly paper work and watching videos on safety and sexual harassment. Probably so I'll know it when it happens to me LOL that's a joke BTW. I'llbe fine just like you said. Breathe in breathe out.. Ed