Thaw and Tenderize - Happy Holiday Special

I just bought a turkey In dire need of tenderize Also a quick summer thaw As this chick's as cold as ice Must have froze it in the tundra as I dive deep into the internet Where it's got me wondering Why I myself didn't think of this It says to tie up both its legs With a nylon stringy thingy Hey! Get that out your head! This ain't nothing kinky! Hook the turkey to the bumper And take it for a ride I watched it from my rear view And mirror on the side I watched it twirl and tumble I watched it twist and shout I watched it as it changed its shape From inside into out I thought I heard it gobble As it bounced itself along Checking progress at every red light Tenderized...yes, but not yet thawed The roads must be colder this year Then at first, I thought I hop back into my jalopy For a few more jaunts around the block I make it back to my place Thinking all is perfect all is well Untie the turkey, if that's what it is It's a little hard to tell Now with that part of the preparation done With the turkey and I safe back home I plop it into the waiting oven And gently turn it on Here we are a few hours later As the conversations and good times begin Sitting around the dinner table My guests all marvel at my hen There's only one slight question And they asked me if I knew I reply...why yes that is white meat It's just a tad bit bruised