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Star Trek - The Necessary Things

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*My first mini script


The Starship Enterprise has just entered an unexplored region of space.  Before long two alien ships engage the Enterprise; shields up, weapons powered.
 
Kirk: "Lieutenant Uhura, open hailing frequencies."
Uhura: "Hailing frequencies open, captain."
Kirk: "This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.  We are on a peaceful mission of exploration. Please acknowledge."
(Incoming message from lead ship) "Blthenn shpllf dtipfh"
Kirk: "Dang it lieutenant, can't you auto-tune that stinking universal translator!"
Uhura: "Auto-tune engaged, captain."
Kirk: "I repeat, this is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise..."
(Message interrupted by incoming transmission) "Blthenn shpllf dtipfh!"
Kirk: "Hailing frequencies closed, lieutenant."
Uhura: "Hailing frequencies closed, captain."
Kirk: "Bones, Spock, I need a plan of action - now!  Suggestions?"
Spock: "Logic would dictate that we leave this region of space immediately without further adieu."
Bones: "Logic would dictate, logic would dictate.  Listen you green-blooded pointy-eared freak of nature, we've got guns pointed at us from every direction.  Just where would you suggest we go?  Oh, I know, you're gonna use some sort of projected telepathy to put 'em all in some kinda trance while we just 'skip to my lou' on outta here!  Logic my..."
Kirk intervenes: "Gentlemen, gentlemen, what I need are answers, not petty debates.  Spock, you recommended exiting.  How would we go about it?"
Spock: "Well Captain, uh, I was going to suggest using telepathy to..."
Bones jumps in: "See there, what'd I tell ya?  He's recommending a massive Vulcan mind-meld from hell.  By the time he's done we're all gonna be in some kinda trance and I for one have no intention of living out the rest of my life as some sort of space zombie frozen in some godforsaken nether region of space..."
Kirk: "Bones, Bones.  I'm afraid I must now confine you to sick bay.  Surely there are crew members suffering from various and sundry space-related ailments, hmmm?  I will keep you apprised of any decisions made.  And McCoy, try to smile, huh?  It's not the end of the world."
Chekhov chimes in (under his breath): "Not yet"
McCoy exits, mumbling: "Blthenn shpllf dtipfh."
Uhura (to herself): "Why does that sound familiar?"
Kirk: "Mr. Chekhov, do you have something you'd like to share with the rest of us?"
Chekhov: "No sir, captain sir!  I vas just imagining how good a shot of wodka vould taste right about now, sir."
Kirk: "I share your sentiments ensign.  We all share them.  Don't we Mr. Spock?"
Spock: "Wodka, captain?"
Kirk: "Enough!  Mr. Scott, give me warp nine, on the double!  Get us out of here Scotty."
Scotty: "I canna obey yer order, captain.  If we try n' take Enterprise from full stop to warp nine, she'll shake apart."
Kirk: "I'm not looking for excuses mister!  Now get us out of here, before I lose my temper."
Scotty: "Aye aye captain, I'll give her all she's got, and maybe just a wee bit more."

Three additional alien ships have suddenly arrived on the scene, bringing the total to five.  Enterprise now has no way out.  Exit appears impossible.  And yet...

Kirk: "Answers gentlemen, I said I want answers!"
Spock: "The only logical course at this point would be to surrender, captain.  I, for one, have no desire to be blown to bits by a hundred photon torpedoes as it would logically interfere with my future scientific research endeavors..."
Kirk: "I said I need real answers, not wimpy ones.  No offense Mr. Spock, perhaps a human point of view..."
Uhura: "Captain, There was something odd about Dr. McCoy's behavior as he was leaving the bridge..."
Kirk: "Spock, did you hear that strange buzzing noise?  It sounded as though it was coming from the communications station."
Spock: "Well, Captain, er..."
Uhura (stands up and stomps to the center of the bridge):  "That's it!  I will no longer be ignored, treated as sub-rate or likened to an anomalous noise.  Now get this straight buster!  When Dr. McCoy left the bridge he mumbled something.  That something was picked up by the computer and recorded.  Now everyone listen carefully as I play the recording back (returns to station), 'Blthenn shpllf dtipfh.'  Sound familiar?"
(Entire bridge crew afraid to move, including Kirk, whose jaw has dropped and is now sweating profusely, though he has to admit that Uhura is really hot when she's angry)
Uhura: "Hellooo?  It's the exact same message that we received from the lead alien ship when we first found ourselves in this mess."

Kirk: "Spock, is it possible McCoy is somehow being controlled by an alien presence?" Spock: "Curiously, I have long believed that McCoy was..." Kirk: "Not now Spock! Sheesh. Sulu, get McCoy up here - on the double!" Sulu: (snore) Kirk: "I said on the double, mister!" Sulu: "On the double, captain." (under his breath) "Been flying this lousy ship for 36 hours straight but does anyone care about the token Asian-American on board? Star Fleet's gonna hear about this..." Kirk: "Spock, I'm hearing that buzzing noise again..." (After a bit McCoy enters the bridge, in traditional zombie style) Kirk: "Spock, just look at him! He's obviously under the influence." Spock: (mumbling) "He's under the influence all right..." Kirk: "Did you say something, Mr. Spock?" Spock: "Ahem. As I was saying Captain, logic would seem to suggest that Dr. McCoy is under some sort of alien mind-control. There is only one logical explanation." Kirk: "And that is...?" Spock: "Um, that the aliens are controlling his mind, captain, sir." Kirk: (sighs) "Well that's somewhat obvious now isn't it Mr. Spock. Is there anything you can do?" Spock: "A Vulcan mind-meld should reveal what the aliens want from us, captain. However, may I point out that doing so would require me to put my hands all over Dr. McCoy's face and..." Kirk: "Spock, Spock. Just do it!" (Spock engages McCoy in a Vulcan mind-meld while secretly considering how easy it would be to switch from mind-meld to the Vulcan death-grip. Nevertheless, his Star Fleet sensibilities keep him focused on the task at hand. After a few minutes the mind-meld is over. Spock quietly returns to his station. McCoy is unconscious.) Kirk: "Well Spock? What do they want?" Spock: "I'd rather not say, captain." Kirk: "Mr. Spock, I order you to reveal the results of the mind-meld, now!" Spock: "Well captain, um... er..." Kirk: "Spock!" Spock: "It would appear that the aliens are on a long-term mission and have run out of (ahem) toilet tissue and were wondering if we might spare a thousand rolls or so. Seems their inventory control officer forgot to add this item to his itinerary. After securing such we are free to pass through their space, unhindered." (Bridge crew is silent, then all bust out laughing. McCoy wakes up.) McCoy: "Wha, what happened? Where am I? And what's so danged funny?" (Bridge crew laughs all the harder) Kirk: "Scotty, can you make sure that our new friends receive their request? Transporter two has been made available, at your discretion." Scotty: "Aye, captain, and I'll send the load with a red ribbon attached as well." (Bridge crew laughing again) McCoy: "Will someone please tell me what all the laughing is about? Spock, if you had anything to do with this..." Kirk: "Bones, why not join me in my ready-room. I've got a little story to tell you..." (Spock smiles, discreetly)

Copyright © | Year Posted 2024




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Date: 1/24/2025 11:52:00 AM
Did they really talk this way to each other? I watched some of their show. Sadly they didn't usually have your humor. I still want to know what Bithen ..... Means!
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Tom Woody
Date: 1/24/2025 12:11:00 PM
Oh and in case you missed it, the alien request can loosely be translated: "Hey fellas, uh, you wouldn't happen to have a few hundred spare rolls of t.p. would ya? Heh"
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Tom Woody
Date: 1/24/2025 12:08:00 PM
The personality traits have been steroided (is that a word?). Humor was scattered throughout the series with the most humorous episode being The trouble with Tribbles
Date: 1/24/2025 11:46:00 AM
Hmmm looks like I am forced to read this one. Haha. I have seen all your other poems. (I think) Here goes
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Date: 11/27/2024 11:21:00 AM
Captain Kirk and Spock would have been proud of you Tom. This was an incredible effort in writing. You are truly an amazing writer Tom. Your intellect and detailed creativeness in this writing of yours with all the humor and script is a reflection of your abilities as a writer. As a big fan of the series, I can really appreciate your humor and relate so well with what you so skillfully have written thanks for the smile and it is very deserving of a favorite for me. I have really enjoyed all
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Tom Woody
Date: 11/27/2024 11:23:00 AM
Thx Michael. I've always been proud of this little achievement
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Michael Tor
Date: 11/27/2024 11:22:00 AM
of the Poetry I have read from you. You are one of my favorite writers. I really appreciate your talent. God bless you my friend, and this is another favorite for me...
Date: 9/3/2024 9:04:00 PM
Haha this is so funny , so after all that it was toilet paper to the rescue. The red ribbon attached was a good touch. Thanks for the laughs and memories Mr Master Storyteller ...Hugs
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Tom Woody
Date: 9/4/2024 5:57:00 AM
Scotty, he's such a jokester. Thx for patiently reading my rather long post
Date: 8/28/2024 3:25:00 PM
What a funny and witty dialog. Nicely written.
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/28/2024 3:40:00 PM
Live long and prosper
Date: 8/28/2024 11:49:00 AM
There's no such thing as the Vulcan death grip! You should know this. It was in an episode to confuse the poppy cock. Other than that, Good script.
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/28/2024 12:42:00 PM
Thx for the tip. I looked it up and you're right. Still, it adds a bit of spice to the story. Thx much
Date: 8/28/2024 2:06:00 AM
Aliens use toilet paper? :)) I thought they had the three seashells(wink wink). I am a trekkie but TNG...never got round to watching TOS. Your story is hilarious
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/28/2024 5:40:00 AM
Someday ya gotta binge on TOS, it really sets the tone for every thing that came after. Glad you liked my story
Date: 8/21/2024 3:55:00 AM
you're not a trekkie are ya? it gets worse...
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/21/2024 5:02:00 AM
Yes for decades
Date: 8/19/2024 7:20:00 PM
Oooo... love this, love when you tell a story! I'm not a trekkie so don't know characters well but I still enjoyed reading this very much. Would love to hear you read it! Xo
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/20/2024 6:10:00 AM
Thx for visiting my really long post. I've been fascinated with Star Trek since I was a kid
Date: 8/16/2024 3:14:00 PM
You are a Star Trek Fan, I can see that, my son in law is too, this is well done, very creative work here, !
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/16/2024 3:51:00 PM
Thx Rosie
Date: 8/15/2024 2:38:00 AM
Oh this is very interesting and creatively written dear tomsz, you are good at storytelling in so many different ways. Im not a fan of star trek but i see you are! And you did one that not just star trek fans but everyone can enjoy! Brilliant! Fun and cool write! Pleasure reading this!
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/15/2024 6:00:00 AM
Thx Inky. Yes, if you're not familiar with Star Trek or the characters this might be hard to relate to
Date: 8/14/2024 7:29:00 PM
Did Kirk ever make a pass at Kalessi, Mother of Dragons?
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/15/2024 6:02:00 AM
Well, he once fell in love with an android so I suppose anything's possible
Date: 8/14/2024 6:18:00 PM
Umm, running out of tissue is definitely an issue. :) Especially in space. Your thoughts bring a smile, Tommy. :)
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/15/2024 6:00:00 AM
:)
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Brandy Nicole
Date: 8/14/2024 7:20:00 PM
You always make me smile, Tommy. Thank you for being you. :)
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/14/2024 6:48:00 PM
Not exactly a love sonnet but glad it at least made you smile
Date: 8/14/2024 5:13:00 PM
a shining galaxy of witty lines and dialogues wc you could turn into a long TV series...script writing becomes you, tom! you need a talent manager? * grinning*...much enjoyed!
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/14/2024 5:19:00 PM
Thx Nette. Maybe if I was 30 instead of 63 I might consider it ;)
Date: 8/14/2024 12:35:00 PM
I enjoyed reading your wonderful/fun "Star Trek" write/story. Will you turn this into a book???  It is amazing how long "Star Trek" has been around. Have a blessed day.............................
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/14/2024 12:52:00 PM
Glad you liked it Paula. I'd love to write a Star Trek novel
Date: 8/14/2024 5:45:00 AM
An enjoyable read Tom, even aliens need to clean up after themselves. A sure way of getting rid of the klingons lol. Live long and prosper. Tom
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/14/2024 5:50:00 AM
Indeed. Star Trek could benefit from an occasional dose of "All in the Family" realism. I mean, we all have to go, right?
Date: 8/13/2024 3:10:00 PM
You never see anyone walking with toilet tissue to refill, also spare light bulbs, always find it amusing when someone gives Kirk a clipboard and pen to sign something by hand. Great mini episode here Tom, enjoyed the read, spot on with the characters!
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/14/2024 5:29:00 AM
Much thx for taking in this rather lengthy post
Date: 8/13/2024 3:02:00 PM
Have enjoyed the read Tom, a very entertaining story… Beryl
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/14/2024 5:28:00 AM
Thx much
Date: 8/13/2024 12:19:00 PM
Creative--"sundry space-related ailments" ha I don't why this stood out to me. Wunderbar! An original screen play in the works...great job. Das clickenzy ya! So you could be a writer for Star Trekkkkk! Have you contacted them? lol. Writers are needed too many are passing AI work.
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/13/2024 1:23:00 PM
Truthfully I could come up with all kinds of cool story ideas. Thx for visit
Date: 8/13/2024 12:00:00 PM
I wonder if the tp is “pandemic” strength. I got such a kick out of your episode. You captured the characters perfectly. My favorite Star Trek was the New Generation. Yes, the scifi, but the relationships within the confines…fun!
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Tom Woody
Date: 8/13/2024 1:23:00 PM
Thx Kim. A bit of cliched emoting here but it was fun to write

Book: Reflection on the Important Things