Shutting Down

Shutting Down I see them everywhere When in reality it is all over It feels like it is happening over and over again I can still feel them on me I can still feel them inside of me My dad & his buddies I don’t think they knew any boundaries If they did they didn’t care Because to them I was just My dad’s little whore The voices are so loud They tell me to do this Then they tell me to do something else Either way it would all have one result Me six feet under That is why I thought getting away for a few days would help I thought that this girl was a friend So many times we have talked about the people we date She never said he or she when she talked about hers I never noticed til now I guess hind sight really is 20/20 But I did go I fell asleep on the couch Watching a movie The Sound Of Music Is not for me anymore As that is what was playing when I woke up With her on top of me Kissing me Trying to pull my pants down I told her no I told her I don’t feel that way She said that she couldn’t stop She was too excited and that I would have to deal with it Let her get off just this once I screamed no It must have startled her as she loosened her grip So I pushed her off and tried to get up and runaway But she got her grounds and she came around She pushed I fell Hitting my shoulder and my head The pain was excruciating But not as painful as what happened next She took advantage of my immobility Tearing my pants off Then ripping my shirt and undergarments She had her way with me Then she told me that she has had a crush on me since High school and she was sick of hearing about The boys I have dated She couldn’t stand it when she saw me falling For the most recent one So when I told her what was going on A light went off in her head What if she got me away from it all With the promise of some rest She could get her way I would chalk it up to a bad dream Then maybe get curious and decide to swing her way I told her I could take what she told me to the police She said she would deny it My best friend looked into it and this gal is right My word against hers And with my mental state my word would be questioned And she would most likely get away with it I am left feeling so humiliated Defeated & Ashamed How did I now see? How could I have been so blind? When looking back I see it all The signs were always right in front of me I am so furious with myself For being so naïve As to put myself in this situation I got myself into trouble I have sworn every time it won’t happen again That I won’t let myself get caught up That I will make sure I see the signs Yet here I am again And while I really do want to break down and cry I did it to myself So tears are a luxury I don’t deserve So I guess I better start Shutting Down