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Shutting Down

I see them everywhere 
When in reality it is all over
It feels like it is happening over and over again
I can still feel them on me
I can still feel them inside of me
My dad & his buddies
I don’t think they knew any boundaries
If they did they didn’t care 
Because to them I was just 
My dad’s little whore

The voices are so loud 
They tell me to do this 
Then they tell me to do something else
Either way it would all have one result 
Me six feet under

That is why 
I thought getting away for a few days would help
I thought that this girl was a friend
So many times we have talked about the people we date
She never said he or she when she talked about hers 
I never noticed til now 
I guess hind sight really is 20/20
But I did go 
I fell asleep on the couch 
Watching a movie 
The Sound Of Music 
Is not for me anymore 
As that is what was playing when I woke up
With her on top of me 
Kissing me 
Trying to pull my pants down 
I told her no
I told her I don’t feel that way
She said that she couldn’t stop 
She was too excited and that I would have to deal with it
Let her get off just this once 
I screamed no 
It must have startled her as she loosened her grip
So I pushed her off and tried to get up and runaway
But she got her grounds and she came around 
She pushed I fell 
Hitting my shoulder and my head
The pain was excruciating
But not as painful as what happened next
She took advantage of my immobility
Tearing my pants off 
Then ripping my shirt and undergarments 
She had her way with me 
Then she told me that she has had a crush on me since
High school and she was sick of hearing about 
The boys I have dated 
She couldn’t stand it when she saw me falling 
For the most recent one 
So when I told her what was going on
A light went off in her head
What if she got me away from it all
With the promise of some rest 
She could get her way
I would chalk it up to a bad dream
Then maybe get curious and decide to swing her way
I told her I could take what she told me to the police
She said she would deny it 
My best friend looked into it and this gal is right
My word against hers 
And with my mental state my word would be questioned
And she would most likely get away with it
I am left feeling so humiliated 
Defeated & Ashamed 
How did I now see? 
How could I have been so blind?
When looking back I see it all
The signs were always right in front of me
I am so furious with myself 
For being so naïve
As to put myself in this situation
I got myself into trouble
I have sworn every time it won’t happen again
That I won’t let myself get caught up
That I will make sure I see the signs 
Yet here I am again 
And while I really do want to break down and cry
I did it to myself 
So tears are a luxury I don’t deserve 
So I guess I better start

Shutting Down
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