Reflections of the Past, Visions of the Future

In my life, all pain has been like appendicitis. I decided to avoid Dad when newborn and crib laid; I'd heard his authoritative voice as aimed towards my toddler Brother, noted the noise ended with smack sounds and crying. By the time I was seven, Dad and Bro had a healthy bond. I still practiced avoidance and had developed insecurities from our relationship. Dinnertime was fright-time. My refusal to eat some foods caused criticism that Dad directed at me in spotlight-intense fashion. Sad, I prayed and felt God say, "You are perfect." I wasn't as easily eased over another dinner-misery: Dad would ask me scholastic questions, I'd turn pressure-paralyzed, then ashamed for not responding and Bro would answer. I'd feel stupid, watch the meat being passed ... later, crying, I would pray and hear, "Your mind is perfect." When nine, a pain began in my gut during church. Years later, I wondered if it started there, where we rarely went, because God wished to say, "pain is from Me, do not fear -trust." Once home, I was put to bed where pain worsened. When Dad decided to take me to the Army hospital I got scared - even sick I was sure I'd be inadequate company. Dad carried me to the car, tucked me in blankets and spoke soothing words the entire drive. Once parked, he scooped me up, ran to the entrance, declined a wheelchair, carried me everywhere and held me during tests and results. Through pain, I registered Dad's emotional behaviors and realized, HE LOVES ME. Once diagnosed, I said, "thank you, appendicitis." I've been a numb-puddle countless times, I've even experienced suicide ideology. Walking through pain, holding God's hand, has always been my attempted plan. Only facing my Dad-pain made me alert to the joy revealed in the hospital. That pain is also the reason I'd turned to God and realized many spiritual truths in childhood. I pray to faith-stay through future heartaches. It's hard, but does lead to blessings of growth, prayer manifestations or both. At eleven, my son became epileptic, meds failed, months passed and the seizures increased in severity. One night, I entered my bedroom, shut the door, screamed, "F U, God", and waited for lightening. None came and neither did anymore seizures. He reinforced that He listens. Ultimately, I kept my appendix and it's healthy, ready and steady.