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Redneck Santa

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T'were the night after Christmas, 'n' the house was all dark.
Not much money for 'lectric in the ol' trailer park.
Ma waitin' tables at the club on the base,
jist me and my sisters alone in the place.

A big ol' blue norther, t'were a hard winter storm.
We's all snuggled up close, jist tryin' ta stay warm.
The trailer's as cold as a well digger's ***,
cause they come out that mornin' and turnt off the gas.

I shore kinda hated to git out of that bed,
but ol' Mother Nature made me git up, instead.
I'd gotta go out if I wanted a leak,
'cause the toilet had bin all plugged up fer a week.

Outside it 'peered warmer, which was a suprise.
As I peed on the tree, sumpin lit up the skies.
Them lights shined down on the yard, and I froze.
Shore prayed it warn't one of them weird UFO's.

As I stood thar turnin' round and around
there was white stuff fallin' and coatin' the ground.
I grabbed a big buncha it up in my mitts.
I thought it was snow, but turnt out it were grits.

I heared a big motor runnin' up overhead
and down come a monster truck painted all red.
It bounced on the front 'n' bounced on the back,
then the driver clumb down 'n' grabbed a tow sack.

He was white-haired 'n' husky, with red overalls,
long ZZ Top whiskers 'n' blood-shot eyeballs.
A red John Deere work cap was perched on his nut
and a WalMart white T-shirt half-covered his gut.

He look like he just come off'n the farm,
'cept fer them tattoos of elves on his arm.
As I stood around there jist like a complete dick,
he says, “Boy ain't you gonna say crap to St. Nick?”

“Yes siree Bob”, says I, “I got sumpin to say.
I'd shore like ta know where you was yesterday.
The toilet's stopped up and we's all out of heat,
ain't got no money and they's nuthin' to eat.”

“I was fixin' ta make it on time”, he then said.
He look kinda sheepish, and hung down his head.
“But I stopped at a bar when I finished my rounds.
And run inna St. Paddy at the Hare 'n' the Hounds."

"Ya know that he's the very best pal of St. Nick.
But there's none who can put 'em away like that Mick.
And the next thing ya know, we's over at Chances
Where that Tooth Fairy is doin' ten-dollar lap dances.”

“The Tooth Fairy a stripper? That done give me the chills!”
“Yessir”, says he, “Where ya think she gits all them bills?”
“Jist a minute”, I goes. “Where's the reindeer and sleigh?”
He turnt even redder, and then looked away.

“Well, we had a poker game goin', I thought I would win.
I was holdin' four aces and bet everthang in.”
There was a palpable silence, a terrible hush.
“Then that damn Easter Bunny laid down a straight flush.”

“Well, I cut cards with a redneck and won me that truck
But as for the reindeer, they was squat outta luck
They throwed a big barbeque, and cooked 'em up slow
But I must say them reindeer's good eatin', ya know?”

No Dasher, no Dancer, no Prancer and Vixen!
No Comet, no Cupid, no Donner and Blitzen!
For hung on that red-painted monster truck's nose
was eight pairs of antlers, lined up in two rows.

“Anyway, I brung vittles for you and the girls.”
And out of the sack he pulled seven skint squirrels.
“I jist bagged 'em thar in yer neighbor's back yard
Fry 'em up well, boy, with plenty of lard.”

I goes, “Them squirrels is rilly fine eatin' fer shore,
But ta git past tomorrow, we's gonna need more.”
says he,“Well, I's a bit short on cash fer today.”
And he give me six lottery numbers to play.

Then up drives my ma with bad blood in her eye
Draws out her six-shooter, jist primed to let fly.
Then lowers her arm down and commences to bawl
says, “I love you, you bastard, you tol' me you'd call!”

He says, “Boy, looks like it's not healthy to linger
Sticks his mitt out 'n' goes “Just pull on my finger.
The truck is fer you, son. I bid ya goodnight.”
And on a column of wind, he plumb riz out of sight.

I feels fevered and flushed as I stands there in awe
And I reckons this redneck St. Nick was my paw.
A voice far-off hollers, “Merry Christmas, now, y'all!
Then adds, “Don't fret none baby, jist wait fer my call!”

P.S. Them lottery numbers worked out good. We
bought a double-wide on our own lot 'n' a giant
TV and had still had lots of money left over fer
me to go to big rig truck driving school and Ma
to that there beauty college. And on top of that
a Nigerian guy is going to deposit over a million
dollars in my bank account. 

Copyright © | Year Posted 2013




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Date: 12/27/2018 12:46:00 PM
I love it so much!
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Date: 3/3/2015 12:18:00 AM
Crikey Roy... This is the poetry I really enjoy with rhythm and rhyme that keeps me completely interested. A believable story with almost unbelievable acts that had me cackling... in fact I think I laid an egg. I've read a couple of your poems elsewhere and I'm gunna go back and read 'em again. Bloody great this poem - Lindsay
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Roy Jerden
Date: 3/3/2015 12:44:00 PM
Thanks, Lindsay. Sometimes, I use a joke as the basis for a humorous poem, but this one was all original ideas. I'll comment on some of yours when I have a few minutes. I've read a few already.
Date: 12/13/2014 2:17:00 PM
OMG! Roy, I could not stop laughing! Congratulations on your well-deserved top First Place! Your poem was awesome, 7+Fav. Sandra
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Date: 12/12/2014 10:36:00 PM
Congratulations, Roy, on your win, this is so funny. Blessing
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Date: 12/11/2014 11:02:00 PM
wow I loved it Roy, didn't want it to stop, congrats...Seren
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Date: 12/11/2014 11:30:00 AM
You did an amazing job Roy. This was so funny and as far fetched as it was we could relate to it so well. Every verse was as hilarious as the one before it. Congratulations on your well deserved top of the podium first place win.
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Date: 12/9/2014 9:09:00 PM
If I had read this first, I would not have bothered to enter. You had it sewed up. Congratulations Ray. Joyce
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Date: 12/9/2014 8:06:00 PM
I'm just a thinkin', you are the feller I seen down at the Lazy Dazy Diner, ordering a squirrel burger?? You done made me roll out of my recliner with a laughin' so dern hard, I done lost my dentures !!! >>>LOL!
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Carrie Richards
Date: 12/9/2014 8:08:00 PM
Oops.....I should revise that comment ! Someone might really believe I wear dentures !!
Date: 12/9/2014 6:49:00 PM
this had me laughing from start to finish - congrats:-) Hugs jan xx
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Date: 6/10/2014 3:53:00 PM
haha that had me rollin from start to finish. I love it, I know you put a lot of thought into it and kept it going strong start to finish. Well done :)
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Date: 6/10/2014 3:50:00 PM
OMG..that is just wonderful.. Im faving it. BG oh, congrats. BG
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Date: 6/10/2014 3:30:00 PM
Roy, , Congratulations....... Love this, poem. amazing.... Love <3 LINDA
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Date: 6/10/2014 1:28:00 PM
hahahahahah!!!!!!!!!! I am giggling all through out your write.. :D i love the accent how wonderful this is when it is put into lil skit.. :D and how funny is this more.. :D i love the pictures and how you done it.. :D!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations.. :D!!!!! this one of the few writes I ever read in Soup that made really giggle.. :D thanks God there are humorous people around.. :D and your one of it witty clever one.. :D!!!!
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Date: 6/10/2014 9:56:00 AM
What a wonderful, witty, clever, write - making me laugh out loud all day! It's now on my list of favorites. Congratulations on a well-deserved win!!!!
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Date: 5/22/2014 8:32:00 PM
Roy this is the funny frickin' poem I have every read, and I've written a few. Nice work, you should get a medal----or at least----some cookies and milk
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Date: 2/20/2014 4:23:00 AM
Hilarious!! What an imagination you've got my friend!----I los dem toof da udder day...You tink dad tooth faree gon leave sumpin under dem piller? (An I ain talkin no dollah, sha!)
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Roy Jerden
Date: 2/20/2014 6:16:00 PM
You leev ten, nine dollah under dem pillar instead. Dad toof faree mebbe leev you more happier.
Date: 1/12/2014 11:04:00 AM
This was THE MOST TREMENDOUS write that I've read in a long time! Going into my favorites...
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Roy Jerden
Date: 1/12/2014 12:28:00 PM
Thank you so much, Carol! Glad you got a kick out of it. I had a lot of fun writing it, too! Cheers, Roy
Date: 1/11/2014 2:40:00 PM
I've been away because of the holidays so I missed this one. You did a fantastic job of this especially with the "redneck dialect". I thought his was so funny. I'm putting it in my favs. Happy New Year! Love, Kim
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Roy Jerden
Date: 1/11/2014 5:49:00 PM
Thanks so much, Kim. It took me a while to get all the dialect right. It's kind of of funny to have problems like that.
Date: 12/23/2013 12:39:00 AM
oh my gosh, SO original, Roy. And eating the poor reindeer, that was a great touch!! You put a lot of work into this one and did great work with that red neck accent. Love it!!! (I gave Debs my old one from last year of a Santa that ruined a couple's honeymoon)
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Roy Jerden
Date: 12/23/2013 6:29:00 AM
THAT set-up sounds like a great theme. Gotta read it.